My husband and I have been together for 2 years. We got married one year after being together.
My husband and I both have children from previous relationships and none together. My child is 13 and his child is 6 years old. My husband wasn’t the first guy I’d been with that had a child, so I was very accepting of his child in the beginning.
Over the course of time, my feelings toward the child have changed and I think it has a lot to do with the hate I have for the child’s mother. In the beginning, he warned me that his baby mother was very childish and has also played games with him regarding the child when she would find out he was in a relationship. I told him, if it would make her more comfortable, I was willing to meet her and introduce myself just so she can see and get a feel of who her child was around. He made mention of that and she declined.
She’s stalked my social network pages and saw pictures of me and the child together and expressed her dislike to my husband about the pictures. The last straw for me was when she asked my husband to stop bringing me along when he comes to pick up the little boy. That pissed me off and made absolutely no sense to me since the child would be in my company at my home. My husband denied her request and continued bringing me along instead of allowing an outsider to dictate how we operate.
When the child comes with us on the weekends, the child informed us that he’s not allowed to refer to me as his dad’s wife in the presence of his mother. Along with the issues with the child’s mother, the child has begun to work my nerves too. He’s very hyperactive and at times can be VERY annoying. Although I have a child, my child was never a hyperactive child at that age so I’ve never had to deal with constantly telling a child to sit down, or to stop doing this or stop doing that.
Another example of his annoying ways is the constant need to interrupt a conversation me and my husband may be engaged in. He’ll constantly call his dad’s name and when he finally gets a response he’ll say he forgot what he wanted. Between the childish baby mama and annoying kid, I now have a strong dislike for this child. My husband is not aware of my dislike.
I love my husband past death and I’ve prayed time and time again for the dislike for this child to go away. I’m not sure if I can go a lifetime being around a child that I genuinely dislike. I also don’t believe in my heart that the child belongs to my husband, as the child does not look like either parent, or either set of grandparents. I’ve made mention of a paternity test to my husband and he stated that he had one done at the time the child was born. I asked my husband if I could see the paperwork and he stated he no longer had it, which places doubt that a paternity test was ever done. I don’t want to leave my husband, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. – Annoyed and Confused
Dear Ms. Annoyed and Confused,
Your annoyance with the child is your annoyance with the child’s mother. And, the child is only reflecting and acting out what he has learned at home with his mother, and he is bringing it to your home. The child is seeking attention, and has not been disciplined properly by neither your husband or the child’s mother. Therefore, he keeps acting out, and insisting he be seen and heard because the confusion between the parents is confusing for the child.
It’s sad that the mother is silly and immature and doesn’t want to work with you. She is working against you, and now the child is working against you, the evil step-parent. The mother should be ashamed of herself for telling a 6-year old that he should not refer to his dad’s new wife as “dad’s wife.” He is probably confused and wondering what should he say, why can’t he refer to you as dad’s wife if you two live together and are married, and why his mother and father not together. This relationship is difficult for his young mind and brain to interrupt or decipher. So, he acts out, emulating the mother’s behavior, and since your husband doesn’t discipline he feels it’s okay. Put a stop to it, and your husband needs to become a disciplinarian.
Unfortunately, they have done piss poor parenting, and as a result this triangular relationship is a –ish pool of drama, BS, and resentment. Your husband needs to be a man, a father, and a husband and set the boundaries of this relationship and discipline between him and his child. He should be the one to step to his baby momma and put her in her place regarding your relationship and marriage, and to not involve his child in the middle of her insecurities, drama, and other issues she may have with him or you. The child should not be involved in adult conversations, adult business, and adult relationships.
But, my other issue is why marry a man with a child, and a deranged baby momma? You didn’t just start having these problems and issues with her. This has been ongoing for the two years you’ve been together, and especially the one year you dated. She’s always been like this, and causing havoc, especially with the child. This is not new. Before you committed to this you should have considered your marriage and what you were taking on. Sure, you love your husband, but didn’t you figure that if he didn’t handle this issue early on, then it will continue to be an issue throughout your marriage? If you had doubts about your husband’s paternity, then this should have been taken care of before you got married.
You need to communicate to your husband what is going on, how you feel, and what this is doing to your marriage. If you don’t, you will continue to resent and detest the child, which is displaced anger and hate for the child’s mother, and you and your husband will continue to have problems, and it’s all because you won’t speak up and address it. Address this issue today. Take care of it, and share with your husband your feelings. Your marriage deserves to be respected by her, and regardless of whatever issues she may have with your husband, she needs to work them out with him, and not take it out on you, and your relationship.
And, if you have doubts about the paternity of the child, then, again, tell your husband to do another DNA test to ease your doubts. Be honest and upfront. Otherwise, it will continue to fester and nag at you. You need this for your sanity, and for your sense of relief to save your marriage. He has to work with you, and act like a married man who loves his wife, and is willing to do what it takes to keep his wife. Otherwise, let him that if this is not handled or taken care of, then you will explore other options, and it may be a separation. – Terrance Dean
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