Dear Bossip: Online Dating Has Become Tragic, What Am I Doing Wrong?

Dear Bossip,

I’m a single mom who can’t seem to get it right. I am 27 years old with a 2 year old son.

I have not been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. I have made plenty of attempts to be in one, but it never seems to work out.

For starters, the last man I was talking to pursued me via social media. I didn’t make anything of it, but was flattered because we live in different states. Over the course of about 3 months we were texting frequently and really getting to know each other. We finally decided to go on a date since I said I would be coming into town (I’m from the area, but had since moved).

We had a wonderful date and ended up sleeping together. I was so elated off of the last date that I came to see him the following weekend. Again, we slept together and that was that. I haven’t seen him since, but we’ve loosely kept in contact since then. When I recently mentioned I wanted to see him again he agreed, but no plans were made to do so.

I think about before we got together and how interested he was in me. Now, every time I try strike up a conversation he only wants to make it about sex. I really like this guy, but he doesn’t seem all that interested in me anymore and I’m disappointed.

My attempt at a serious relationship before this was with a man I met through a dating website. He was very sweet and actively pursued me. We would talk for hours on FaceTime, and we really got to know each other. When we started sleeping together everything that he said, who he was, and what he did all started to change. He dipped out of my life without much explanation.

Lastly, there was another man who I also met from a dating website. I made the conscious decision not to sleep with right away if at all (we never did). Again, in typical fashion of myself we spoke for weeks. We went on quite a few dates. Eventually, we ended up parting as well. My question is what am I doing wrong? I love my child and would never put a man over him. Am I rushing the process? Should I just look for love when I can really make a serious effort? This consistently keeps happening and I am left feeling totally rejected. Is it that I am falling for the game? Is my expectation level to high? I just don’t get it and it hurts my self esteem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – Online Dating Horror

Dear Ms. Online Dating Horror,

I wish you folks would stop believing those commercials about their dating services and how folks met, fell in love and got married. Honey, it is just like winning the lottery – you have about a one in a million shot. Most of the men on those dating sites and apps are looking for one thing, and one thing only – bedding women.

Social media, and the internet have made it easier and more accessible for men to prowl, play, and take advantage of women, like you. The vulnerable, desperate, hopeless, and looking for love types. You’re so tired of the dating scene, and you’re fed up with men and their player ways that you resort to online dating because, well, in this huge world there are a billion men, and your prince charming has got to be one of them. SMDH!

No, you should not be looking for love online. Yes, you are rushing the process. And, yes, you are falling for game. If this consistently happens to you where you sleep with men that you meet online and they distance themselves from you afterward, then….in your common sense what do you really think that means? Come on now. I know you’re not that slow. I truly believe that some of you women like drama, pain, and rejection. It gives you the ability to live in your story about how men ain’t –ish, and how you can’t seem to meet the right man. Uhm, no! You just keep going back to the same garbage dumpster to pick from the same bin of men. DUH!

By the way, if you sleep with a man on the first date, especially after only knowing him online, just know you won’t be taken serious by any man.

Now, Sweetie, let’s break down the game and rules of this –ish, so that you and other women will know how this works:

• Most men are not looking for anything serious online, or on any dating app. They only want to hook up because they are horny, just like you (Though you won’t say it, or admit to it, but they can sense it). They prowl through the profiles seeking out the women who are not getting a lot of attention, and BAM! They hit you up, and begin telling you everything you want and need to hear. Honey, it’s the internet and they can tell you anything. They are probably watching the game, some adult videos, and at the same time chatting with you.

• Face Time, SKYPE and all them other online face-to-face technologies does nothing. It just makes it easier to have video conversation, which will lead to some more lies, and how they really want a woman like you. Then, he starts asking, “Let me see you naked.” And, then, they want to meet up because he can’t wait to see you, and he knows you can’t wait to see him. However, he’s in his momma’s basement because he doesn’t live on his own. And, when it’s time to meet notice how it’s at a hotel, or his boy’s crib, or while his momma is gone. SMDH!

• Never, ever, ever, ever travel to go see a man. I don’t care if you are from that state, city, town, community, suburb, or whatever. Don’t make it that easy and accessible for him to meet you on his terms. Yes, I know the curiosity will get to you and you will want to see him and go out and meet up. DON’T! If a man is interested in you, and he really wants to see you, then he will travel to you. The hell you look like spending your money to go see a man, and you’re staying in a hotel room, and he comes over to smash, and then bounces. He doesn’t take you out, or if he does, he takes you to places far out so that no one will see you two together. SMDH! If he is not spending any money to come see you, and he is not making any effort to really get to you and know you, then know he’s after one thing. (But, I digress, some men will travel. So, you still got to be careful.)

• Why are you chatting and talking with men online who are not even in the same state you live in? Where the hell do you think this is going to lead? You’re not moving, and he’s not moving. So, what are you going to do? Is it that you really were horny, and all you wanted was some man love? Trust me, if a man is talking to you online and he is in another state he is thinking that you only want to be smashed. You are not serious about a relationship, and he can convince you to travel to him and he will take care of your needs.

• If you’re talking to a man online and he’s in another state, then he will also think, “Hmmm, if there are no dudes in her hometown or city smashing, and her last relationship was five years ago, then maybe she is not that attractive, or she’s trouble, maybe she’s damaged, or something is wrong.” Thus, he places you in the, I’ll-Hit-It category, but, I’m-Not-Going-To-Make-Her-My-Girlfriend, and I’m definitely not traveling and spending my money to go see her.

Look, Ma’am, I can go on and on and on. But, the plain and simple matter of this situation is that being online, and meeting dudes on social media translates to, “She’s easy. She’s thirsty. She knows what this is about.” The moment some man hits you up and says, “Hey beautiful,” or, “Hey gorgeous,” and you respond, it’s just like walking down the street and stopping for some man who is catcalling you, and he’s trying to talk to you on the street. You know he is full of games. He ain’t –ish. He just wants to play games, and you know that he does this all the time. So, you keep stepping in your heels and pumping down the block and give him no attention. Therefore, you do the same thing online. You keep going, bypass him, delete and block him, and keep it moving.

Dating apps, and websites are ultimately hook-up sites for men. They get to sit at home and scroll through the numerous profiles of women who have put themselves on display for men to rate, judge, access, and randomly pick because ultimately that’s what your profile says, “Pick me, pick me. I’m available. I’m free. I’m fun. I’m looking for a great guy and someone to hang out with, and laugh, and talk with.” Yeah, sure. LOL!!!

Honey, I don’t know when you will learn your lesson, but after the horrible disaster you experienced from your first online dating, that should have been enough. But, you went back a second time, and then a third. And, you slept with both men and they both dipped on you, and you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong. SMDH! How about not meeting men online, and regardless how long you’ve been communicating with them ONLINE, and doing Face Time, or SKYPE, please know they are only telling you what you want to hear. It’s a game. It’s not serious. He only wants to sleep with you. He is not looking for a woman. He just wants some on the side easy coochie. Just take the time to get to know you, love you, empower yourself, and enjoy being with you. The right man will show up. Trying to force love, and make it happen will continue to lead to heartache, heartbreak, and a line of men you’ve slept with and nothing real.

Start today by deleting your dating accounts, and take stop wearing that cheap perfume, “I’m single, available, desperate, and want love.” It only attracts low-life horny trifling men who ain’t about –ish. And, you can take off that cheap dress that reveals your low self-esteem and no self-worth. Men can see the tag and you become an easy target. Embrace and love yourself. Only you can make you happy. On you can bring peace, joy, and love into your life. A man can add to it, but not give it to you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!