Dear Bossip: He Said If I Didn't Like How He Treated Me, Then I Can Leave

Dear Bossip,

I am a twenty-three year old graduate student. About six months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of five months after he got a job offer in another state.

I was sad to see him go and felt a bit angry, but never voiced my opinion on the issue. I understood his decision to advance his career and he would have still chosen the job despite my opposition. Also, I was entering graduate school so I thought it would be the perfect way to distract me from the heart-break.

Fast-forward three months, and all my friends were talking about their boyfriends and some even spoke about wedding plans. Feeling lonely, I decided to try on-line dating where I met a man twelve-years my senior. We went on two dates before becoming intimate. I know this may sound like taboo to some, but I took the proper precautions and used protection. In retrospect it is not something that I would do again, but it is not worth crying over split milk.

The relationships, or at-least what felt like a relationships started to progress pretty quickly. On our third date we went on a cruise to Mexico and I thought things were going well. However, one day out the blue my mother decided to pull me to the side for a talk. She told me that I was moving too fast, and that a man would never want to marry a woman, “who gave the milk away for free.”

Disturbed by this realization, I called up my on-line lover and asked questions regarding our relationship status. He stated that he was not looking for a monogamous relationship and would still be talking to other women. I was completely caught off-guard. I have never been in situation like this before and just assumed if we were talking he would not talk to other women.

Not wanting to end the relationship and hoping that he would change his mind, I stayed for a couple more weeks. I live in the south end of the city and stay with my parents so whenever we went out I would always drive up to his place.

One day, to test where his head was, I decided to attempt to switch up the plans. I noticed that he never texted or called me throughout the week to ask how my day was, but only to set up our next meeting. It became clear to me that I was more interested in him than he was in me. So, when he called me on a Wednesday to see if I would like to hang out on a Friday, I stated, “Yes, but only if you are willing to drive to me.” He told me he would think about it.

Long story short he stated that he would not make the drive all the way down to see me if we were not going to have any alone time. In other words, SEX. I was shocked, but understood that people will only treat me the way that I allow. I told him that I did not understand why he would say such a disrespectful thing and was unwilling to compromise. He never allowed me to stay the night at his house, and I grew tired of driving back home at late hours of the night so I refused to go. Not to mention, I felt slighted each time I left his place.

He stated that it felt like we wanted different things, and he was not interested in a relationship. To make matters worse, he told me that if I did not like the way that I was being treated then I should leave. So, I did. However, now I feel as if I jumped the gun! Maybe I did not give the relationship time to develop and now I am contemplating whether or not to reach out. He works at a job that grants him a lot of flexibility and I’ll admit I liked being able to travel. Do you think this is a foolish thing to do? – Young and Lonely

Dear Ms. Young and Lonely,

That is your problem right there. You’re young. And, you’re lonely. Why the hell would you allow someone to talk to you the way he did, and treat you the way he did and think it’s okay to call them back up and get back into the same situation hoping for a relationship? You sure you’re in graduate school? Chile, I didn’t know DeVry had a graduate program. Wait, does TCI have a graduate school?

Your mom was accurate. She was spot on. She peeped his game, and pulled you to the side and gave you some motherly insight. Your dumba** don’t want to listen, and you want to stay stuck on stupid.

He told you that he was not interested in a relationship. Which means he does not want a relationship. There is nothing to develop or give time to grow. He didn’t see you as someone he wanted a relationship with. He told you that he was seeing other women. You were in rotation. So, therefore, stay in your lane, play your role, and don’t get out of pocket. You have your day when he wants to see you. And, then, this player had you driving to his house for sex and he did not have the decency or gentlemen etiquette in allowing you to stay the night. He blew out your back and sent you back home to your momma’s house. Bwahahahahahahaha! And, you’re wondering if you should call him up and pursue what again?

He never called you or texted. He never inquired about your day, your week, or about school. He only called when he wanted to hook up and you happily obliged. So, yes, people will treat you how you let them treat you. You were a jump-off, whom he met online. You had sex with him after two dates. Girl, you’re another one of his freaks, a number in his black book, a chick on speed dial, and an easy lay. By the third date you’re on a cruise in Mexico with a man you barely know, and you seriously thought you and he were starting a relationship? Really? Really!

You never asked him any pertinent questions regarding his life, his sex life, other women, his family, friends, or loved ones. Therefore, he treated you like the young and lonely little girl you are who was nothing more to him but some good time, good fun, and available sex. How the hell can you assume you’re in a relationship and you’ve never met his family, friends, or loved ones? He never allowed you to stay the night at his home, and he never called you. You were pursuing him. He was not pursuing you. You had the game f****d up! He just sat back and let you move, and he watched every move you did.

But, he’s a cold and hard playa, and you gotta love his gangsta. He told you that if you didn’t like the way you were being treated, then you should leave. DAMN!!! That’s a pimp right there. He told you that you either get in line and play your position, or you bounce. He is not going to treat you any better. He is not going to do any more than he should to keep you. He is not going to change his routine, his lifestyle, or stop sleeping with other women. And, he does not see you as someone he wants a relationship with. So, he told you that you either keep letting him hit, you keep letting him blow your back out, and letting him freak you down, or you can leave because he has other women who have no problem with his arrangements. And, if you decide to stay, then, yes, you will always be driving to his house, doing all the calling and texting, and you will never stay the night.

Girl, it’s time for you to grow up and recognize game. He’s twelve years your senior. You can’t play that adult game he’s playing. He had you whipped on some d**k and a cruise to Mexico. You’re not the only woman he’s taken on a trip, bought gifts, and made feel special. He’s a player, and you’re not ready for the game he’s playing. You were too easily impressed by the fact that he was wining and dining you, and taking you on trips. Uhm, sweetie, you have to learn your worth and that you can’t be bought, or easily impressed. You were so strung out on the material that you failed to pay attention to the mental, and emotional. You failed to recognize how he was treating you, and it was not until your mother stepped in. Listen to her. She’s wise and knows better, and she’s been down that road. Don’t call him. Don’t hook back up with him. Don’t text him. It was a lesson learned. You are not ready for what he wants, or what he’s offering. There are plenty of young eligible smart, and intelligent men whom you can date, and plenty are at your school. Date, have fun, and go out. Enjoy your college years. Focus on your education. Get your degree, and don’t get hooked on this man or what he has to offer. He’s not interested in what you are looking for. It will never work between you and him. Focus on you, and getting yourself together, and the right guy will show up at the right time. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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