Dear Bossip: My Fiance's Sister Lives With Us & It's Been 3 Months Too Long

Dear Bossip,

My fiancé and I are currently expecting a child. I am now 6 months along. My hormones are out of control right now. Every little thing is bothering me.

Right now, my fiancé’s 22-year old sister is living with us at the house. When she first moved in about three months ago I was unaware that I was pregnant (due to a health condition I found out about 2 months ago that I was pregnant). When I found out I was pregnant I knew that I would need room for the baby.

My fiancé stated that his sister would only live with us temporarily until she can get a job. In the meantime she would help us around the house, and besides, he doesn’t want to leave his sister and her young child out with nowhere to live because she keeps getting kicked out of every house she has lived at.

Well, 3 months later she has yet to lift a finger at the house. My house is always such a HUGE mess and the only person who cleans is me and my fiancé, and that’s when I get upset and ask him to help me around the house. She also has not looked for a job. She argues with my fiancé if he tells her she needs to find a job. Not only does she not work, she doesn’t help pay with bills, and her young daughter lives with us. And, now her boyfriend is staying the night every night. So, needless to say, I have an additional family living with me and I am stressed out.

My fiancé recently got laid off and is about to start his new job in a few weeks, so I had to pay a majority of the bills recently. So, not only am I the only one working, I am also the only one cleaning, and the only one doing anything at the house. I am extremely frustrated! I feel like all I do now is nag. I can hear myself always being upset and I don’t want to be vilified for being frustrated.

I have utilized all of my resources. I tried having an adult, mature, and civil conversation at least 4 times in the past two weeks with his sister for her to help me around the house. She keeps saying she will help me, yet, only for me to come home and everything is still the same. I have asked my fiancé to tell her to help me out around the house because she isn’t listening to me either, and nothing has changed. I have had conversations with him telling me that even though everyone is acting nice towards me, not helping me around the house after I ask is disrespectful towards me.

His mom went to my doctor’s appointment recently and I told her I don’t want to be raising her children; this is her child, not mine. Her mother told me that she does not want her daughter living with her because she is lazy, and I need to kick her out of my house.

It frustrates me that I am the only one currently working, paying a majority of the bills, and these people get to reap the benefits of living in my house with no care in the world. Originally, I did this to help my fiancé’s family out, and I am getting taken advantage of. I don’t know which other way to do this. I feel like the only option I have now is to scream and yell at everyone and kick them out.

I am writing you to see if you think this is all my hormones acting up from my pregnancy? Do you think yelling at everyone and kicking them out is the route to go? I just want to live by myself and get my nursery ready for my baby, with or without anyone’s help, but I don’t want his family to hate me thinking I’ some evil person. I love my fiancé but I feel like my frustrations are falling upon deaf ears.  Please help me. – Pregnant Lady

Dear Ms. Pregnant Lady,

Chile, your fiancé’s mother already told you to kick his sister out of your house. Now, what are you waiting for? She should have been gone by now! And, she stated that she doesn’t want her living at her house because she is lazy. Her own mother doesn’t want her at her house, which means her mother is tired, done, and over it. So, I doubt if any of his family members would be mad, upset, or angry with you for kicking her out of your house. They don’t want her in their homes, so why are you inheriting their problem? And, you don’t owe your fiancé’s sister anything. She is a grown ass woman. If she has burned the bridges of other people she has stayed with, then at some point she has to take full responsibility for her own actions.

Therefore, tell her she has until the end of the week to find someplace to live. She’s lived with you for the three months, and has had ample amount of time to find a job, and to secure housing. Your home is not a shelter. You can’t take care of a grown ass woman who obviously doesn’t feel she needs to contribute around the house. You’ve spoken to her on several occasions to help out, and yet, she has not stepped up to the plate. She doesn’t pay any bills. She has her boyfriend staying the night. And, that is absolute no-no! The hell is wrong with her inviting her boyfriend to come and stay at someone else’s home but she doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of!!! She has crossed the line. That would have been the end of it right there!

Your fiancé’s sister is trifling, and she needs a hard life lesson of hitting rock bottom. Everyone keeps trying to save her, and your fiancé is trying to help out because I’m sure he doesn’t want to see his sister and her child homeless, but she has brought this onto herself. If she is too trifling to find a job, and look out for herself and her child, and then she takes advantage of people by laying up in their homes and not contributing, then, it’s not your responsibility to take care of her. You are not her mother, her sister, or even related to her. You don’t owe her anything.

See, you and your fiancé should have set some ground rules before she moved in. You should have set some boundaries, and house rules from day one. All of this should have been squared away from the jump. No visitors to the home. No visitors staying the night. She must clean, and help out around the house, and you should have provided her with a list of the rooms and duties she will need to clean and take care of. She must contribute by cooking, doing laundry, or cleaning if she can’t pay any bills. She has three months to find a job and an apartment. After the three months and she’s shown she has looked for a job and apartment, and wants to revisit the terms of her staying, then you and your fiancé would consider it. No guarantees, but a consideration. So, since you didn’t work all this out from the beginning, now you are dealing with an unwanted guest. All of this should have been discussed early on, and you wouldn’t have this problem today.

Now, talk with your fiancé today. Tell him that you are tired, fed up, and don’t need this stress. You love him, and you want to support him and his family, but his sister has worn out her welcome. She has until the end of the week to find someplace else to go. That is it. Do not give her an extra day, hour, or minute. The end of the week by 5pm she has to be gone! Hell, why can’t she go to her boyfriend’s house and lay up with him and his momma? He’s that comfortable to come and lay up and your house, so take his girlfriend to his house. Her boyfriend is sad and pathetic.

And, if she doesn’t have any place to go and wants to start crying, then you pull out the yellow pages, or tell her to go the library and research shelters in the area. I am sure there are plenty of shelters, and other resources she can tap into, but she has to work this out on her own. You are no longer running a free boarding home. She has got to go!

Let your fiancé know that you’re done talking, you’re done waiting on her to contribute, you’re done negotiating with her to do her part, and it is extremely rude and disrespectful to have her boyfriend staying the night at your home where you pay the bills. Hell to the no! And, why does your fiancé allow this to happen and go on? Where is his backbone?

Again, she has obviously burned the bridges with other family members, including her own mother. Therefore, you do not have to bear the burden of taking care of someone else’s child or looking out for someone who doesn’t want to look out for themselves. For the sanity of yourself, your relationship with your fiancé, and the health of your child you need a stress free, drama free, and loving, peaceful, happy, and joyous home. And, right now you don’t have that. This stress and anxiety can do damage to your pregnancy, so I recommend you look out for you and your child first. Get that woman out of your house as soon as possible so that you and your fiancé can move on with your lives and relationship in peace. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!