Dear Bossip: My Boyfriend’s Child Has Lied About Me To His Ex-Wife

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’m going to try and make a LONG story short. I met my boyfriend through a friend while he was married.

I had no interest in him whatsoever! I mentioned that he was cute to my friend and her husband at the time, and I made a comment about his wife being not so cute and rude. That was the end of that until he called me one day. At first, I kept ignoring him, but for whatever reason I started talking to him. I know I was in the wrong on so many levels.

We started seeing each other which, led to him leaving his wife and getting a divorce. He said he wasn’t happy with her at all. I know he may up and leave me one day and do the same, but that’s the chance I took when we decided to be together.

He has a 5 year old daughter and they share custody. We got pregnant after their divorce and we have a 7-month old son. So, I try to be civil with her for our kid’s sake, but she is a lunatic!  She’s told her lawyer that I abuse her daughter and that I kicked her off the bed. I was so sick of her allegations that I called her and said we don’t have to like each other, but we should try and make it easy for our kids and she agreed.

She asked me to stop bathing with her daughter because she found it weird. I told her that she only finds it weird because I’m with her ex-husband because had it been someone else it would be okay. Then, she asked that I stay out of her and ex-husband’s business. I agreed at the time that I would stay out as long as it didn’t pertain to their daughter and me. I also asked her to discuss anything that her daughter said about me with me and she agreed.

Well, her daughter lied about me kicking her off the bed. I tried to talk to her about it and tell her she really needed to speak to their daughter and find out why she is lying about certain things.  Mind you, she is only 5 years old. So, I truly believe that his ex-wife puts things in her mouth.  That girl barely speaks, let alone tells her mom I kicked her off the bed.  She also started talking negative about me in front of their daughter and I’m just so tired of it.

I know what we did was wrong, but we have to move on and live our lives. I have a son now and if she keeps telling lies I’m not going to allow their daughter to come over. I have to take care of my son and I’ll be damned if they call DCF and say things that aren’t true. I could go on and on about the things she has said and done, but it would be too long of a letter.

I just want to knock the crap out of her, but I know I will be in the wrong. I’m not going to eat this all my life. And, I know you’re going to go in and call me all kind of names, but truth be told I believe our love story is different. I’ve asked God for forgiveness and He is the only one that can judge us. I would like some advice on what to do about their daughter lying? – Sick and Tired

Dear Ms. Sick and Tired,

You started talking to a man while he was married. Mistake number one. You started seeing this man while he was married. Mistake number two. He leaves his wife, gets a divorce, and he lives with you. Mistake number three.

You say that you’re aware that there is a chance he may do the same thing he’s done to his wife, but you’re okay with this and are willing to take that chance. You say that you prayed to God and asked for forgiveness, as it is only God who can judge you. So, do you honestly believe that God will send you someone else’s husband? Do you honestly believe that God will bring a married man into your life? Do not bring God into this. You made the choice to pursue a relationship with a married man. You made the choice to sleep with him, and then procreate with him and create a child. And, now you’re upset with his ex-wife because she is upset and angry that her husband left her, was sleeping with you, and you want her to get over it and move on as if nothing has happened.

Your boyfriend is the catalyst for all this drama. He is the reason all of this is going on with you, her, and their daughter. Not once in your email did you state that he had intervened or even addressed this matter. This situation is between you and his ex-wife. Why is he allowing you to communicate with his ex-wife, and especially with things related to their daughter? Why are you even involved or engaged with his ex-wife? You’re his girlfriend. He should be handling this situation, and he should be the one addressing his ex-wife, and taking care of all things related to their daughter.

And, quite frankly, I agree with her about taking a bath with their daughter. Why are you bathing with a 5 year old? It is weird. No grown adult should be bathing with a 5 year old child. You can give the child a bath, but to bathe with the child is bizarre. How would you feel if a grown man was bathing with your 5 years old son? Regardless of who it is, or who the adult is, grown adults in bath tubs with children is questionable.

Also, she is right that you should stay out of her and her ex-husband’s business. You don’t have a say in what’s going on between them. You only know what he is telling you, and his side of the story. Therefore, let them hash out their drama, and let them work out things related to their daughter. And, you agreed to this.

As far as asking her to tell you what their daughter says about you sounds really childish. You’re asking a grown woman to tell you what a 5 year old says about you. Why do you care what a 5 year old says about you? That is childish and immature.

But, I gather you asked her to do this because you claim the child lied and said you kicked her off the bed. Why is the child lying about you kicking her off the bed? You say the child barely talks. Well, maybe the child barely talks around you. And, it doesn’t take much of a conversation for a child to say you kicked them off the bed. Now, you say it didn’t happen, and that the child is lying. I would ask the child’s father to talk to his daughter and maybe she will tell him it didn’t happen, or she made up the story. Maybe you were playing, or maybe she made the entire story up. Let the father intervene and get to the bottom of it. Between you two women the child is probably frightened, and doesn’t know what to say, or what to do.

It’s sad that you’re grown adults acting like this in front of a child. You all don’t know how to be civil with one another, and you keep pointing the finger at one another. Take the high road and be the bigger person. You don’t have to engage her, and you shouldn’t be arguing with her. Why is your boyfriend so silent in all this? He has to be the one who creates the common ground and discourse between all of you. He should be communicating with his ex-wife. He should be handling all things related to his daughter. He should be the one telling you not to talk to his ex-wife, and not to handle their child. I get that he lives with you, and the daughter comes to your home, but until he has spoken with the child, and their mother about the dynamics of your home, you should not be interacting or engaging either. Let him explain to his daughter what is going on, and how she is to behave at your home. He should explain to her your role and how she is to interact with you, as an adult. She is a 5 year old little girl. She doesn’t know what is going on. She can’t make sense of all your grown ass –ish.

So, my advice is not in regards to why their daughter is lying. That is not the problem. The problem is your boyfriend who is standing by and not actively involved in this situation. He is the one who can put an end to all of this. Therefore, you address him, tell him to handle this, and let him work it out between his ex-wife and his daughter. You’re the girlfriend. In the meantime you defer to him. His ex-wife calls, you tell her to speak with him. He brings up his ex-wife, you tell him you don’t want to hear it. Anything related to the child, you tell him to talk to his ex-wife about it. Your focus is on you and your child. Until you get married, if he marries you, then, you are the girlfriend he lives with. – Terrance Dean 

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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