Dear Bossip: I Learned He’s Still Calling The Woman He Cheated On Me With

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been seeing my man for three years now. We were on and off for about a year and a half, but we’ve been in a “serious relationship” for a year now.

We’ve come a long way from where we were in the beginning, or so I thought until the other day.

He went to work and forgot his phone at home, so yes I’m guilty of “snooping.” So, I went through his phone and I saw recent calls to and from his ex-girlfriend. I was hesitant to confront him at first, but it was killing me. So, I asked him what was it all about and he said nothing is going on and they are just friends. He said he only called her to tell her his grandmother was sick, and he also threw in that she has a family (live-in boyfriend and new born baby). He told me that he loves only me and wants to be with me.

Now, let me give you the down low on the situation and why I’m so troubled by it. This ex-girlfriend of his is a woman I found him seeing behind my back last year, and it caused us to break up for 8 months. I took him back because I had believed he was genuinely apologetic and he would never do that again.

I don’t question that he loves me, but I do have suspicions that SOMETHING is going on with this ex-girlfriend. He has told me he’d change his number, but that doesn’t make him forget her number or her for that matter. I need outside advice on how I should handle the situation. Should I cut my losses and spare myself potential heartache again, or should I give him the benefit of the doubt like I would want him to give me? – One Foot Out the Door

Dear Ms. One Foot Out The Door,

Don’t trust him. Don’t trust him. Don’t trust him.

I don’t get it. I really don’t. Your boyfriend cheated on you before, and had another full-fledge relationship with another woman, and, yet, you took him back. You snoop through his phone and learn that he is still communicating with this woman, though he told you that he changed his number, and you’re asking me what you should do. Really? Really, ma’am! Girl, you get the evidence, produce the evidence, and you have doubts on whether you should stay or give him the benefit of the doubt. Stupid is as stupid does!

He cheated on you and had another relationship. Yeah, I peeped that you called her his ex-girlfriend. If she was just some chick on the side, then you wouldn’t be referring to her as his ex-girlfriend. So, this leads me to believe he was dating you and her at the same time, and she truly felt they were in a relationship.

Therefore, when it came down to it a choice had to be made between you and she. Trust and believe he was contemplating and playing his cards on which of the two of you would take him back. And, because you fell for his cries, boo-hoos, and apologies, you were the one who decided to get back into a relationship with him. The other woman was smart enough to leave well enough alone. However, guess who he’s still calling and checking in with? Yes, the other woman.

If he told you that he changed his number, and he was moving forward with you, then why is he still in communication with the ex? What do they have to talk about or discuss? They don’t have children together? They didn’t have any property or other items that tied them together. So, why is he still reaching out to her, especially if she has a live-in boyfriend and a newborn baby? Something is not right, and if I were you I wouldn’t trust your boyfriend. He is lying, sneaky, and keeping something from you.

Therefore, move both feet out of the door, and save yourself the headache, drama, and stress. Because this is what’s going to happen – The fact that he left his phone at your home and you decided to snoop through his phone is a sign that you don’t trust him. Obviously there are other reasons or other things about him that you don’t trust him, and you felt the need to snoop through his phone. If you have to go through your partner’s personal emails, phone, or stalk them on social media, then it’s time to leave the relationship. There is no trust, and you will forever snooping and stalking their personal emails, phone, and social media. Besides, you had no business going through his phone.

Next, you will always be thinking in the back of your head that when he is out, or on his phone, and you’re not around, if he is with her, or another woman. You already think it. You suspect SOMETHING else is going on with the ex-girlfriend that he supposedly moved on from, but, yet, even though he told you he changed his number he is still calling and keeping on contact with her. You don’t trust him. You don’t believe him. And, you surely don’t believe that he loves you because if he did he wouldn’t be calling his ex-girlfriend to tell her about his grandmother.

Now, you can stay. You can fool yourself into believing he has cut things off with her. You can tell yourself that he is not doing anything, and you are going to trust him. But, you will find a way, an opportunity to go through his phone again because you want to satisfy the small piece of doubt that you have that lingers and keeps nagging at you. You’re going to keep wondering, and thinking if he really did stop calling her, or if he is calling any other woman. You’ll begin to do things to test his love and loyalty to you, and, if he doesn’t respond the way you want then you will question his love and loyalty.

Stop this game. Stop the drama. Save yourself of the headache, wondering, and suspicions. He didn’t give her up then, and he didn’t give her up now. He’s still communicating with the woman that he cheated on you with. What does that tell you? See the situation for what it is and not what you hope it to be. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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