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Dear Bossip,

I am 24 years old, and I have been in a relationship with an older man for two years.

I love him to death, but with that being said I have broken up with him five times over these past couple of years. But, I have gone back to him within two days each time.

The problem is he doesn’t meet the criteria of the man that I want to marry, but he does make me happy on a daily basis. We are best friends. He always has time for me, and he always gives me my way. He tolerates me being a bish, and he is completely selfless (I haven’t found this in any other man). And, we have a great sex life. Basically, we are totally compatible.

These are the disturbing characteristics that he has: He’s 38 years old, and he has never obtained his GED. He has never had a driver’s license. He has two low paying jobs with no benefits, and he has not started saving for his future. He pays close to $400 a month in child support, which leaves him with only enough disposable income to support his weed and cigarette habit.

On paper these things make him look like a loser, but in reality he’s a great person with a heart of gold. I know this seems like a no brainier, but my feelings are involved! I am emotionally attached to this man. He means so much to me and he is completely supportive and always has my back even when I hurt him.

Even though he’s broke he would be willing to give me his last and remain broke until his next pay date. He genuinely loves me which is why I have not been able to leave him permanently. My fear is that I won’t be able to find another man that loves me as much as he does and share the companionship that we share together. – Torn

Dear Ms. Torn,

So, basically, he has no motivation to improve his life. He’s 38 years old with no education. He’s living paycheck to paycheck. He is on the bus, and he is financially incompetent. But, he treats you like a queen, let’s you have your way, and tolerates your bull-ish.

Hmmmm, well, I guess since he has nothing else to bring to the table, and you are someone out  of his league as far as dating, then why wouldn’t he tolerate your bull-ish, let you have your way, and treat you like a queen. You’re the best thing he will ever get. So, why not make time for you, allow you to treat and make him feel like less than a man. You run all over him, and he knows that if he loses you he won’t ever meet another woman like you.

It’s sad because on the flip side, you feel that you won’t meet a man better than him. So, you two losers stay with each other for fear that you won’t be able to meet someone greater, better, or a total upgrade.

If you feel he is the best you can do, then stay. If having a piece of man is better than having no man at all, then remain in your relationship. If he doesn’t meet your criteria of a man you’d want to marry, then I want to know why are you still there? Why are you sacrificing, and settling when you don’t have to?

He will not be able to provide for you financially if you decide to get married. And, if you decide to have a family, then he definitely will not be able to take care of you and your children. His job options will forever be limited. He will be working two jobs for the rest of his life, simply to pay his child support, and to support his cigarette and weed habit. Since he doesn’t want to further his education, then, he will always be limited his life options. He doesn’t even have a driver’s license, so you will have to drive him where he needs to go, or he will be on the bus. And, all of this is because a 38 year old man refuses to take responsibility for his own life. A grown ass man who has settled into life and accepted that this is as far as he can go, and will go. He’s not motivated, inspired, or encouraged to change.

Now, ask yourself….is he someone you want remain in a relationship with? He is okay where he is, and obviously you are okay with where he is in life. So, if he is sexing you good, and giving you that “D,” and he allows you to have your way, and run over him, then, just know that if you meet another man who is educated, has some sense, a career, and his own –ish, well, he probably won’t put up with your –ish, and he probably will be more of a challenge than some servant, or some man who is just happy to have you.

You have to decide what it is you truly want, need and desire. If he doesn’t meet your criteria of a man you’d want to marry, then why stay? He is not going to change. He is not going to become the man of your dreams. Or, maybe your criteria is a tad bit high, and unrealistic. Maybe he is the best thing you’ll ever meet, and he is the only man, as you say, who will put up with you, and allow you to treat him how you want, and give you good sex. Now, you can encourage him to get his GED, and to get his driver’s license. You can support him and find out what are his dreams and hopes for himself. But, if he doesn’t make any attempts to make the necessary changes for his life, then, there is no need to stay. You’ll eventually become miserable and resentful of him. You’ll find another man and start cheating. But, just know that if he doesn’t grow, and he doesn’t do anything to make change, then this is as good as it gets with him. And, is that enough for you? – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!




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