Dear Bossip: He Works Nights & His Schedule Affects Our Relationship

Dear Bossip,

My boyfriend has been working nights for 3 years. We’ve been dating for 2 years, and we live together now.

Recently, I just got a new job and the hours are 7:30a to 4:30p. He works 11:30p to 8:30a. I’m realizing we’re never going to see each other during the week. The good thing is that we’ll have weekends together, but I feel like there’s going to be a lot of pent-up resentment from not seeing each other.

We’ve had problems with this schedule before when I used to work weekends and he would sleep all weekend. So, even on his days off we wouldn’t spend time together. Another problem is that I have to wake him up for everything including work and it gets on my nerves. Without me waking him up he’d be 30-45minutes late to work. Now, that I work this new schedule there’s no way I will be waking him up because I will be in bed.

Anyway, he doesn’t want to change his schedule because the company that he works for does not have his position on day shift and he would have to take a pay cut. I understand that, but his company is prone to letting people work for them and then firing them once they make too much money or are near retirement.

How long should I have to wait until he gets a normal schedule? I can’t see myself having kids or getting married as long as he works these hours. There have been times I want to initiate an ultimatum. What should I do? – Happy Connecting

Dear Ms. Happy Connecting,

So, your complaint is that your man works nights. But, he’s been working nights for the past 3 years. And, as a matter of fact, he was working nights when you met him. So, because you got a new job you want him to change and adjust his schedule in order that you and he can see one another and spend time together. You want him to change his life and rearrange his job because that’s what you want him to do. Oh, okay! (Smirks)

You don’t want the burden of having to wake him up for work at night. You don’t want him working nights because on the weekend he spends more time sleeping rather than spending it with you. However, he can’t change his schedule because the company doesn’t have his position on the day shift, and if he does move to days then he will take a pay cut. Oh, okay! (Smirks)

Now, let me get this straight. If his position is not available during the day, and he’s been working nights for the past 3 years making good money, you want him to change his schedule and take the pay cut because you work days and you’d rather he worked days so that you and he could spend more time together, and have the weekends together? You want him to take the pay cut, and risk losing his job, in order for him to be home with you. Oh, okay! (Smirks)

So, if this scenario was to work, and he changed his schedule, then he would make less money. He would be unhappy and miserable. He wouldn’t be able to spend his money on outings with you because he’d be making less. His money would go toward the bills, rent, electricity, cell phone, cable, groceries, gas, car insurance, and other expenses. But, that’s all cool if he is making less money than before because you and he are together. You will have what you want, but will he will be happy? Is that what he wants?

I don’t think you’ve clearly thought this through, and neither have you really considered the consequences of him changing his hours in order to appease and make you happy. You have a man who works and comes home to you every day. You have a man who is making good money and taking care of the bills and helping with everything around the house. You obviously have a man who is good to you because you didn’t complain he was out spending his money, running around, chasing other women, or he’s spending the weekends with his boys or doing other things. He is home. He is home with you! Though, he sleeps on the weekends – he is home. He is working. He is making money. He is happy.

How about you plan special evenings at home on the weekends? How about planning things to do on Saturday nights or Sunday afternoons? You and he can work this out and you can coordinate and come to some agreement about the weekends. But, you have to talk with one another and not demand he change his hours. He didn’t ask you to change your hours, or ask you to stop working. Things will change and you will have to adjust, but you’ve got to be willing to make it work.

Doing things on the weekends doesn’t take much, and it can be when you and he look forward to spending time together. You can do dinner, dancing, movies, museums, picnics, or weekend excursions. What are his interests? What is he into and what things he’d be happy to get out of the house to do? How can you incorporate his interests with yours? How about attending a game, or concert? What about a comedy club, or Jazz club? There are plenty of things to do on the weekends, but you and he will have to communicate and agree on making the weekends special, or making sure that once a week you have a date night.

Don’t ask or demand he change his schedule, and take a pay cut just to appease your work schedule. That isn’t fair. You don’t have children. Therefore, what is he changing for? How would you feel if he asked you to stop working or to change your schedule to coordinate with his? I’m sure you wouldn’t do it. And, if he has a problem waking up for work, uhm, how about investing in an alarm clock? Hello! If you don’t want the burden of waking him up, then get him an alarm clock. Also, on his cell phone he has an alarm clock, therefore, you can synchronize his phone to go off five minutes after the alarm clock. He will have two devices to wake him since you’ll be in bed by 10:30 at night. What I’m saying to you – Girl, make it work and stop complaining! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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