Dear Bossip: I Was Cheating & Now The Other Guy Is Trying To Kill Me

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend for the last 6 years with a man who’s 20 years older than me, and he’s my sugar daddy.

I’m 27 years old and my boyfriend is 31 years old. We have 4 kids together – 12, 9, 8 and 6 years old. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 13 years. We met when I was 14 years old and he was 18 years old. I lied about my age and he ended up getting in trouble because my mom called the cops once she found out I was pregnant. He ended up getting probation and now has to be on the sex offender registry for 20 years.

He moved across country with his dad and I ended up dropping out of high school and running away a couple years after that to be with him. Our life has been nothing but hell. He beats me, spits on me, threw my down the stairs while I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and he blames me for his life’s failures.

It got worse when he lost his job 8 years ago. He began to drink. He’s nothing but a lazy bum who sits on his ass all day and smokes weed and sells dope. Sometimes I hate him, but then I realize I love him. I had to pick up the slack and start stripping to keep food on the table. He got arrested and sentenced to 3 years when my youngest child was 2 months old.

My girl at the club told me how she has sex with older men for money and since I was struggling she hooked me up with “Mark.” Mark has been married for 20 years and has 6 grown kids. He told me he wanted sex in exchange for cash and gifts, but I had to be discreet. I told him, “Hell, yes,” and that began our affair.

During the first 3 years I got pregnant 4 times. He doesn’t like using condoms. So, I had 4 abortions upon his request and he paid me $5,000 all 4 times for my troubles. I didn’t mind because I didn’t want any more kids anyways. Besides, how the hell was I going to explain 4 kids to my boyfriend? LOL!

I also got 2 STDs, but to be honest I don’t know if he gave it to me or not because I also was messing around with 3 other guys for money. But, he paid me $1,000 both times for my “troubles.” He’s bought me a car and a 4 bedroom house and told me to stop stripping. My boyfriend ended up getting out of prison after 3 years, but I continued my affair with Mark.

Things started to get crazy and Mark started confessing his love for me. He would show up at my house uninvited when my boyfriend was home. Mark threatened to tell him the truth. I told him I would tell his wife, but he said he didn’t care because he loved me and he was leaving her for me.

He said now that my boyfriend is out of jail then me and him “only” could leave and get away and start a life in NOLA. I felt that I loved him and I agreed. He didn’t want me to take my kids because he didn’t want to deal with the burden. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t take the stress anymore, so I left to New Orleans with Mark.

I didn’t 3 months until I returned home. I felt guilty and I realized I loved my boyfriend and kids more than Mark and his money. I think my mind was twisted with all the drugs I was using during that time. I don’t know, but I was petty to do that to my kids. My boyfriend ended up taking me back with open arms, probably because raising 4 kids is hard. LOL!

I also found out that my boyfriend got a job, so I know that I wanted to be with him and things are looking up. Plus, he finally stopped hitting me. So, right there proves he’s changed and he loves me again. I cut Mark off, but he wasn’t happy and began to stalk me. He would wait in front of my house, at my kid’s school, and at grocery stores. One time he ran up to me and punched me in my eye. I told my boyfriend I ran into a door.

He would call and hang up. Like, I don’t understand this man. He’s absolutely loony. He’s not acting like a 47 year old CEO. He texted me one day saying that he would leave me alone if I did a porn tape with him and his 4 friends for $15,000. I reluctantly agreed because I just wanted this fool out of my life. When I got to his hotel he pulled a gun out on me and threatened to kill me. Then, for 6 hours he tormented and beat me. I went to a friend’s house for 5 days because how was I supposed to explain the bruises to my boyfriend or cops.

He still won’t leave me alone after a year. I’m scared he could kill me or my family. Why doesn’t he understand I don’t love him and all I loved was his money? I want my family and I’m happy. I just found out that me and my boyfriend are expecting out 5th child. So, he needs to butt out and go back to his wife or find somebody else. I even told him I would help him find another girl, but he said no. What did I do to deserve this? I made mistakes in life but damn. What should I do? – Ms. Crazy Life

Dear Ms. Crazy Life,

Chile, this story got me pouring vodka in my coffee!

If my nerves are bad, then I know your nerves are shook!

Who lives this type of life? Who goes through all of this and feels this is what life is about?

The amount of damage and harm you’ve done to your mind and body is beyond comprehending. Ma’am, you’ve had four abortions, and two STDs. That is a huge toll on your body, and I haven’t included the mental and emotional stress you are adding to your body. Then, you are in an abusive relationship with your boyfriend. You have four children you have to take care of and provide for. Thus, you started stripping to feed your family because your boyfriend didn’t have a job.  And, then you engage in a sexual relationship with one of the customers in order to make more easy money, but your relationship with him turned volatile.

I need more vodka.

Your life is a big huge mess. It is one drama after another. You ran away from home after you got pregnant at 14 years old by your 18 year old boyfriend. Your mother did the right thing in telling the authorities. Thus, he was put on a sex offender registry, but because you were too fast and too damn grown, you felt you knew better than your mother, and you left home to be with him. Now, after 13 years  you reflect back over your life. I bet hindsight is your friend now.

All of your actions, and all of your decisions are based on your inept ability to make rationale choices for the betterment of your life, or your children’s lives. Notice this is a pattern which began at 14 years of age. You lied to your 18 year old boyfriend, and as a result it sent your life into a tailspin. You made the choice of an immature teenager, and you still continue to make immature teenage choices.

It’s obvious you have poor decision-making skills, and you clearly do not know how to effectively think things through before acting on them. Thus, it explains your choice to run away from home at 14, and then produce several children out of wedlock. It explains your hasty decision to become a stripper to make fast money instead of getting a job, and going back to school to better yourself. Then, to make even more fast money you feel it is okay to prostitute yourself to a man 20 years your senior. The relationship with Mark, like the relationship with your boyfriend, has proven to be toxic, dangerous, and volatile.

Mark will not leave you alone because you and he had an arrangement. You had an agreement of services to provide, and you continued to do so at the cost of the damage to your body. He didn’t care about you, nor did he or does he love you. He wants to control you, and he is doing it with money and other material things.

You are the lost 14 year little girl still trying to find her way, and you have predator men who see the damaged little girl trapped in a grown woman’s body. The fact that you were able to up and leave your children for 3 months and go to another state proves you are mentally and emotionally underdeveloped. You left your children because money was more important to you. You left your children because you felt you would have a better life with a man who cared nothing about you, but to control you. Notice that you did the very same thing you did when you were 14 years old, you ran away.

You haven’t changed. You are still that little girl. Running and trying to find herself, and running to men to be saved.

You need intense counseling and psychological care. You do not need to be in a relationship, but, instead you need to be working on yourself and working to save your children from the potential mental and emotional damage you have passed on to them. The cycle will repeat with your children if you do not begin the process of healing, and working on your own potential psychological issues.

Your boyfriend is an abuser. Though, he may have a job now, and things may seem to be okay in the home, it does not exclude him from the abuse he’s done to you. He’s still an abuser. Things are good now. But, not for long. He will return to the same behavior because he still blames you for his life’s failures, and everything else that has prevented him from the life he feels he deserve. You are the catalyst and blame for it, and he will continue to beat you, and mistreat you. Get out of this relationship. It’s not healthy, and it’s toxic. You are both co-dependent on each other, and because he’s all you know, and you’re all that he knows you remain because you’re both hurt and damaged and feel no one else will want you.

In regards to Mark, you have to tell someone. I recommend telling the police. You have to get this man out of your life, or else he will kill you. You need to get a restraining order, and you need to call the police every time this man shows up at your home, or wherever you are. He is doing this because he knows you’re afraid, and he is intimidating you. Though, you have been in a 6 year consensual relationship, and you have benefitted from it financially, it will be hard to prove in court or with the police. Therefore, you have to keep a record, and journal of his stalking, texts, emails, or other forms of communication.  Document all his threats. I’m sure you have photos of yourself on your cell phone when he beat you. Save them and use them. You have to tell your boyfriend what is going on, and you have to also tell a good friend. The more people you tell, and you let them know how afraid you are, the more witnesses you have created to help your story.

So, this means you have to start being honest. You have to be honest with yourself, and your boyfriend. You’ve been lying to him, and part of your toxic relationship is due to your behavior and what you’ve done in this relationship. You are partially to blame, and you have to own up to your part of this. You’re pregnant with your fifth child, and at some point you’re going to have to start living a life of an adult and not some little girl. It’s time to grow up, be honest, and start telling the truth.

You have to build strong support systems and surround yourself with positive people. And, you have to be willing to want to change. Know it’s going to take some time, and it will not happen overnight. You’ve been doing what you’ve been doing for 13 years, so it is a hard habit to break. But, you have to or else you will continue to repeat these patterns in your life. Your children will grow up and repeat these patterns as well. If you don’t make any significant changes in your life, and get out of these toxic relationship, even the toxic relationship you have with yourself, then you will destroy yourself, and your children. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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