Dear Bossip: I'm Trying To Get A Divorce, But He's On The Run From The Law

Dear Bossip,

The past two years have been life changing. I’ve never been in drama until I met my husband.

So, my soon-to-be ex-husband came home from jail and right off the back it was drama. He was cheating and lying and I found out every time. I searched his phone, and I know that is wrong, but when a man constantly accuses me of cheating I wonder what are you doing that you keeping pointing fingers at me.

Now, we broke up got back together each time. He would beg for me to come back and I was stupid of course because I felt because we were married. It’s not so easy to just walk away. So, the real drama happens when I actually catch him cheating. She asks who am I and I respond that I’m his pregnant wife. He then says she’s not my wife and she’s not pregnant, and if she is pregnant it’s not mines. Then they both tried to jump me. Thank God I can fight because I held my own and made sure I protected my son.

Now, I wasn’t shocked he denied me. I could care less. I had already asked him for a divorce. My issue is how can you deny your son for a woman you don’t know? Fast forward, my dumb ass took him back because he kept talking about raising our son together because that’s something neither one of us had growing up. So, I took him back.

Two weeks pass and I wasn’t really feeling it so we split on a mutual terms. I asked him to move out my house and he was taking his sweet time. I didn’t care, but once I saw the photo up on Valentine’s Day with the same woman he tried to jump me while I was pregnant, I cut up all his clothes and put it down stairs. He called the police and had me locked me up. Which I felt was a sucker move because I paid for all those clothes anyways. He admitted to using me so I destroyed everything I brought him. Hell, let that chick you’re with buy you clothes.

It was very childish I know, but I was 5 months pregnant and done with him. Two weeks after he locks me up he begs me to come back home. Things got really ugly. I was furious. This man used to beat on me and I never did even act like I was going to call the police. But, you locked me up while I’m 5 months pregnant with your son. Okay cool.

My whole pregnancy he threatened to kill me. Him and that woman would try to terrorize me, but the truth is they not built like me. They are all bark, but me I bite. But, I kept my cool because that’s not what I want my son to see. So, I let them talk. I gave birth and now he is trying to get back with me again. Yet, again, I’m a sucker so I take him back. But, now I find out he is doing credit card fraud and he’s on the run for a domestic violence charge from another woman, not the same woman we have been beefing about.

I tired to convince him to turn himself in and he cursed me out. The way I see it is if he is on the run he can’t help me with my son and I’m not willing to risk my child’s safety and have him around a fugitive. He calls and gets angry with me because I refuse to let him take my son. I explained to him that if you get stopped by the cops with my son they taking my son and I’m not putting him through that. And, another issue is you’re stealing people credit information and that’s wrong. I don’t want to raise my son around a criminal. I told him if you turn yourself in and get back on the right path you can be in your son’s life, but me and you are done.

I played the fool for too long and I won’t have my son thinking this is how women should be treated. I will never take him back. The last straw was when the same woman that we beef about started sending threatening emails to me. She was threatening my son. Now, I know this punk is not built like that she is just trying to get me upset so I can come see her. She is trying to get me locked up because the first time I bust that ass. She told me that I’m lucky my husband calmed her down because she was going to call the cops. Whatever!

The point is she shouldn’t be sending me those things. I forward him the emails showing him this is what she is doing. He admitted that he could never be with her because she would try to hurt our son to get back at him. He even witnessed her throw her dog by the neck across the room because she was mad at him. So, despite all this, once he realized I wouldn’t take him back and do a second bid with him and I refuse to go check on him in jail and pay his lawyer fees, he decides to go back with this woman. I don’t care what woman he decides to be with, but why would you want to be with a woman who threatens to harm your son?

So, after that I washed my hands. It’s been 7 months and he doesn’t see my son and we have no communication. We spoke last week for the first time and he called me a bad mother. I provide for my child. I work hard and I keep a roof over my son’s head, and food on the table. And, most important, I’m the one spending quality time with him and educating him. My son is 10 months and he has a six word vocabulary already because I take the time and I make sure education is first in my household.

Meanwhile, my husband is running around with two warrants out for his arrest, stealing people’s credit information to get fly, and running around with some woman who’s doing it with him. And, I’m supposed to be okay with it and trusting my son’s future in his hands. Am I wrong for keeping my son away from his dad? My worst fear is my son becoming like his father. I want more for him. I’m already in court working on full custody and also working on getting a divorce, but it’s difficult when you can’t locate the other spouse. Please give me advice. – So Over Him

Dear Ms. So Over Him,

This hot ghetto mess is truly a hot ghetto mess!

You were pregnant and fighting with some random woman that your husband is having an affair with. You were going through all this drama with him including many other women he’s been stepping out with. You and he were fighting and separating and getting back together, despite you knowing what he was doing. Then, you and he were fighting and you cut up his clothes. And, now he’s doing credit card fraud and has warrants out for his arrest, but won’t turn himself in and he is a fugitive of the law. And, on top of it all he had you locked up while you were five months pregnant. SMDH! I’m surprised you didn’t have a hard pregnancy.

I find it shocking and saddening that you are able to have a moral and ethical reasoning regarding him doing credit card fraud and you don’t want him around your son because of his fraudulent behavior and the risks he puts your son in by wanting to spend time with him. And, you want him to turn himself in and to turn his life around. Also, you don’t want your child around him and his behavior. Which I completely understand why you don’t want him around your son.

But, let me get this straight. You were fighting with another woman while you were pregnant. You constantly fought with your husband. He’s treated you like crap. How he treats you and the things he continues to do you, yet, you allow him to come back into your life every time. Uhm, ma’am, your behavior, and your actions are just as complicit in this drama. So, where is your moral and ethical reasoning regarding yourself?

Why do you allow him to treat you the way that you do? He’s philandering and sleeping around, and you know about it! The other woman is contacting you, and you’re fighting with her instead of putting your husband in check. But, this whole ghetto bird drama of him and his mistress wanting to jump you is just too much! Why didn’t you call the police? Why didn’t you get restraining orders against your husband and his mistress? Since they were terrorizing you, and making threats toward you, then you could have gone to the police. But, instead, you wanted to take matters in your own hands. What the hell? I don’t understand this.

Look, you’re doing right by going to court and working toward gaining full custody of your child. Also, the fact that you are working on getting a divorce. But, why are you stressing over when and how to find him? If he has warrants out for his arrest, and they are looking for him, trust and believe that he will eventually be caught. All his crimes will catch up with him, and the police will find him. So, sit back and let him run his course. Stop stressing over it. Stop worrying about it. He is going to slip up and he will be back behind bars.

Once he is locked up, then he will be sitting in jail for a while, and you can proceed with family court, and divorce court. In the meantime, you should gather all your documents to present in court against him. The letter that his mistress/girlfriend sent you, you should present it in court. Also, I recommend going to the police and getting a restraining order against her. You have proof that she made threats against you and your son.

Once you’re divorced, let him be out of your life for good. Don’t visit him. Don’t write him. Don’t help with any legal fees. Don’t take his calls. Let him go! He will try everything to get back with you, and plead, even cry. Don’t fall for it. Re-read this letter and think of everything he has put you through. All the drama. All the stress. All the aggravation. He is not worth it, or you.

In regards to your child, he will be in jail for a while, so spending time and being part of your child’s life won’t happen. He didn’t think about his behavior and how this would impact him being a part of his son’s life. He wasn’t thinking of his child while he was running the streets, and now caught up in credit card fraud. Now, he wants to be a father and be part of his child’s life. Obviously, he doesn’t have a lot of intelligence and smarts. How the hell can he call you up and ask to spend time with his child, but he has warrants out for his arrest? He is truly not the brightest. And, to think you married him. (Sips tea)

Take this time to focus on you. Worry about you and your son. Continue to provide for him, care for him, and keep him in a positive learning environment. Work on learning how to love yourself, and be good to yourself. Take the time to heal from this relationship so that you don’t choose another man like the one you’re leaving. Learn from this relationship in order that you can grow and become a better woman, and a better person. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!