About 4 months ago I met a guy whom I became pretty into. We had lots of things in common.
We had some mutual interests, including our chemistry, and the communication was amazing although part of me was always kind of skeptical and guarded from the jump because he told me he didn’t want a relationship. I personally wasn’t just looking to be someone’s permanent friends with benefits or bed buddy because that never ends well.
I still continued on with things thinking I could handle things appropriately without getting caught up or attached. But, as time went on things began to naturally progress. We started to get serious with more calls, texts, and hooking up on weekends. The more we would talk and hang out the more I was slowly falling for him.
Then, one day out of the blue he told me that I was so perfect for him and that he caught feelings too and he wasn’t expecting too. This was followed by him telling me that he loves me and him showing so much concern for me my life and even my son. He told me that he sees us together in the future raising our kids together. So, naturally hearing him talk like this made me believe we were headed toward a serious relationship.
But, now I think I was wrong. I had a conversation with him basically to ask him what’s up and are we becoming more serious or not? I told him I feel like I’m getting mixed messages because he says one thing but his actions usually tend to say another. And, then he hit me with, “Well, you knew I didn’t want a relationship from the jump! But, I still want you in my life and I don’t want to lose you.”
He says it’s just complicated with him and his baby momma. He told me he feels obligated to somewhat try to make it work with her at some point because of their son they have together. He said his baby momma wants a relationship with him too and he told her the same thing that he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to focus on med school. But, my question is “WHY?! What are you telling her that makes her want to be with you?” He says he’s not telling her anything and that she just wants a relationship because they have a child and history because they were high school sweethearts, which I find to be bullshit.
He tells me it’s just complicated and it’s like a 50% chance they could end up together in the end and he doesn’t want to hurt me. So, he thinks I should date other people (which I don’t know if he really means) because once I’m gone, I’m gone. But, I don’t really want to date other people because now I’m already in it. I told him that I guess it really doesn’t matter how perfect he says I am for him if he’s always going to run back to her just because it’s what’s familiar.
He says he has feelings for me but knows how to keep them in check. But, my thing is why should you even have too? Because when I asked him, “Are you happy with her?” He couldn’t really answer. I understand him trying to do right by his son, but that shouldn’t mean forfeiting his own happiness with someone that could be amazing for him for something he’s only used too.
I guess what kills me the most is that me and this guy have such an amazing connection with each other. I don’t want him out of my life. It’s clear neither one of us want to let this go. I absolutely love what we have so far, but I don’t want to sit around and play some waiting game or allow him to continue to go back and forth between the both of us. I’m so confused because I done messed around and did the worst thing you can do in this situation – fall in love. Help! – Ms Love Me or Love Me Not
Dear Ms. Love Me or Love Me Not,
He doesn’t want a relationship.
He doesn’t want a relationship.
He doesn’t want a relationship.
Please let that sink in. He is not interested in having a relationship with you. And, despite your protests and not wanting to be his friends with benefits and his bed buddy – sweetie, you are! SMDH!
And, I want you to explain to me what type of relationship you have if in the very beginning he tells you that he does not want a relationship, but, you continue to hook up, and meet up with someone and have sex, and, it is explicitly clear he does not want a relationship? What do you think you are to him? (I’ll wait)
Dating men who are confused about what they want from you, but, he’s told you that he doesn’t want a relationship, and he’s seeing another woman, especially his child’s mother, and he’s telling you that there is a possibility they will get back together, then, you should run, and run fast.
Yes, he was wrong for telling you that he loves you, and saying he had caught feelings for you. But, he led you down a rabbit hole chasing him, then, he hits you with that he feels obligated to make it work with his baby momma, and it’s a fifty percent chance they may end up together. Girl, please tell me what is a fifty percent chance of getting with someone? Either you are or you’re not. How do you measure fifty percent?
But, I get it. You want him because you claim you’ve fallen in love with him, and he shows concern for you and your son. You’re looking for a man who connects with your child. You’re looking for a man for the long haul. You want a family, a husband, and all the fixings that come with it. And, he’s in med school, so why not invest in a future doctor, right? WRONG!
He has a child with another woman, and nine times out of ten they are still seeing one another, especially if she is his high school sweetheart. He’s right that they have history, and they have a child together, so he will always be a part of their lives, despite what you think. As a mother you would and should know that the father of your child will always be a part of your lives, not unless you and your child’s father don’t speak, or you/he opted that he wouldn’t be involved. Regardless, he is not going to leave them for you. He’s made that clear and you should take heed.
He’s also told you that you should date other people. Ma’am, that is a clear sign that he is not interested in a relationship with you. All that –ish he’s telling you about he loves you, and he sees you and him together in the future is nothing but lies. He’s telling you what you want to hear, and he wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning with you being his friends with benefits, and bed buddy. He wants you to date other people because if you are seeing someone else then you wouldn’t focus all your energy on him, and in trying to have a relationship.
And, you’re sitting up here talking about once you’re gone then you’re gone because you’re already all in. Uhm, it’s been all of four months. What are you all into? It’s only been four months. You don’t really know him. You’re still meeting his representative, and now he’s showing you who he really he is. Stop obsessing over what you want with him and stop trying to decipher what he really means and what he doesn’t.
When you confronted him and asked him what’s going on with you two he hit you with the very line he told you from the beginning – he is not interested in a relationship. Then, he told you about the possibility of reconciling with his baby momma, and wanting to make it work with her. Then, he tells you that he wants to focus on med school, and that you should date other people. Girl, I don’t know what other way tell you yet once again that he does not want a relationship with you. You are his bed buddy and friends with benefits and he doesn’t want to lose that with you! Be very clear. So, you either move on, stop waiting on him, and stop trying to convince yourself he will want to be with you and have a family, or, you keep pestering him about you and he and eventually he will stop calling, texting, and you won’t see him anymore because he feels that he made himself clear. He does not want a relationship with you. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!