Dear Bossip: He's Separated From His Wife, But He's Been Distant With Me

Dear Bossip,

I am in a 9 month relationship with a separated man.  They have been separated over 2 years.

His wife is dating his best friend.  My man has become more distant in the past couple of weeks saying he is busy and tired. I told him a couple weeks ago that I didn’t know if it was going to work because he is still married and I don’t feel like we can go anywhere because of the marriage.

He said he loved me and I mean the world to him, and I’m his glue. He said that he did need to move on with his life and that he did need to -ish or get off the pot. I love him, but ever since I said I didn’t know if it was going to work because he’s still married it’s like he has distanced himself from me. I used to hear from him a couple times a day at least, but now I will wait a day and then call him because he isn’t initiating contact.  He still says he loves me and misses me when we talk. What is going on? – Waiting On Him

Dear Ms. Waiting On Him,

You are not in a relationship. He is still married. Despite being separated from his wife for 2 years, he is still a married man. Therefore, you don’t have a relationship. You are sleeping with a married man.

He is grieving the fact that his wife is dating his best friend. Trust me, he is not well emotionally or mentally. He is just going through the motions in his life. He discovers that his wife is dating his best friend, and you think he’s ready to be move on and be in another relationship? Sorry, but he’s not. I’m sure, no, I’m positive that he is hurting. His is sad, angry, mad, and depressed. Two people he trusted and loved are in a relationship with each other. He is living with the thought and idea on a day-to-day basis that his wife and best friend are laid up, living life, and planning a life without him. He is not okay.

And, you’re absolutely right that it is not going to work between you and he because he is still married, probably still in love with his wife, and as a result you and he are not going to move forward or have anything serious. The fact that they have been separated for 2 years tells me that he is holding out and waiting for her to return. Don’t you find it odd that in 2 years he has not divorced his wife? His wife is sleeping with his best friend, and he hasn’t divorced her. Hmmm, wake up ma’am. Stop waiting on him, chasing after him, and stop forcing him to be with you. He does not want you. You are something to do in the meantime. You are someone to pass the time with. His body needs physical attention, but his mind and his emotions are with someone else – his wife.

You feel he’s distancing himself from you and not reaching out or maintaining contact. Well, trust your intuition. If he is pulling away after you gave him an ultimatum it’s because he is pulling away. You were his glue because he probably had no one else he could talk with about his wife and his best friend. You were a shoulder to lean on, and someone to lay in bed with and vent. You were not someone he was serious about, but someone who happened to give him an ear when he needed someone to listen to him. I mean come on, honey, the man told you that he knows he should move on, but, hell, it’s been 2 years! He’s still harping about his wife and best friend after 2 years? He’s not ready to be with someone else. He’s still in love with his wife. He’s still waiting on her to return. You are only a distraction for a few minutes, hours, or days. But, he goes home and is reminded of his wife each time he is alone. He is reminded of his best friend when he wants to pick up the phone and go chill, watch the game, or simply to hang out. He is grieving.

You need to move on. Find a man who is single, and one who is not pinning or still in love with an ex. This man is not for you. Wish him well and let him go. You are chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be held or in a relationship, well, not in a relationship with you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!