I have been married for the past four years, and I truly love my wife. I would actually die for her.
I pray for her every time she leaves the house for God to protect her and guide her through the day, so that I can just be around her in the evening and enjoy her company. I consider her more than my wife, because she’s my best friend. We don’t have kids, so it’s just me and her, and I love that, though, we plan on having kids soon.
I am writing to you as I was away on business and I saw a Skype conversation that she was having with one of her colleagues who is based in a different country. The Skype conversation shocked and crushed me. She was using the phone that I’m currently using and I guess she never signed out from her Skype I.D. That is how I found out that she was actually contemplating on sleeping with him.
I have been having a lot on my mind and I agree that the sex has really reduced, and I do take the blame for that. She even went as far as talking about our bedroom matters to this guy. What hurts the most is that a month ago he was in town and she asked to take him around and I was all for it because I trusted her and that’s how we operate, with trust.
Her messages were so hurtful, talking about how she wants to make love to him and she even told him that on her next work assignment out of the country she would spend her time at his house making love to him.
I have not confronted her about it, but I have tried to change by being kind to her and also rebuilding our marriage and going back to the days when we used to not only love each other’s company but also have regular sex.
Do you think I should confront her, given that she is liking the new me? – My Wife’s Secret
Dear Mr. My Wife’s Secret,
You have to confront your wife. The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. Otherwise, if you don’t, your marriage won’t last much longer.
First, if you decide not to say anything then just know that the thought of her traveling for work, or being gone, and even staying late for work and her other outings will always leave you wondering if she is with him, or some other man. Your trust will fade, and you will start wondering what she’s doing, with whom, and when you question her you’ll wonder if she is telling you the truth. You’ll begin to start snooping through her phone and emails. You’ll begin to follow her and question her whereabouts. You won’t believe anything she says or does. That trust you once had will be gone forever and your marriage will never be the same.
Second, she is communicating with a colleague about sleeping with him, and making plans to stay at his home and make love to him the next time she is out of the country and she visits him. Bruh, your wife is ready to sleep with another man, and you’re deciding on whether or not to confront her. She’s already confided in him about your bedroom and sex life. She’s found comfort in him and is ready to spread her legs for him. Sir, you wife is mentally, emotionally, and physically gone from your marriage. SHE IS PLANNING TO CHEAT ON YOU!
Why are you willing to sit with this information and not say anything? I’m glad you made the necessary adjustments in you, and you recognized that you’ve not been attentive to your wife, especially in the bedroom. However, you are putting a band-aid on a major wound in your marriage. She likes the attention you are giving her now, and she is enjoying the upgrade in your sex life. But, mentally and emotionally she has been confiding in another man, and he has been her shoulder to cry on and tend to her needs. She’s obviously missing more than just sex with you, and your company, she is desiring something more.
Look, what happens when you stop giving her the attention she wants, or the sex isn’t enough? What happens when you become busy or preoccupied with your work, or you have more issues on your mind? See, man, she has a created a backup plan. She has created an alternative to you. If you don’t rectify this situation, confront her and work on the real underlying issues, then you will fall victim to a cheating and unfaithful wife. Take off the band-aid and address the wound.
Third, your wife didn’t come to you and express that something was wrong in the marriage. Your wife never came to you and shared how she needed more from you – more attention, more time, and more sex. She never once felt the need to let you know that something wasn’t right, and that she wasn’t being fulfilled in the marriage. Instead, she reached out to another man, and she confided in him. Now, I just want you to let that marinate for a minute because this means your wife has been communicating with him for a while now. She has been contemplating on sleeping with him longer than you think. Therefore, the issues in your marriage have been occurring for a while, and you are just getting whiff of it.
Lastly, get into marriage counseling. Talk with a professional who can help you and your wife address the major issues in your marriage. You also have to work on your communication skills. You had a lot on your mind, and the sex lapsed in your marriage. You probably didn’t talk with your wife about the things going on with you, and you tried to work on them on your own. Now, for you to claim your wife is your best friend and you enjoy one another’s company, then you should have been upfront with her about what was going on with you, and how you didn’t feel sexually active. I know that you noticed you were not having as much sex with your wife as well.
Now, compound your inability to talk with your wife about your problems, and her inability to come to you and let you know that something was wrong is a clear indicator that you two do not talk with one another. Instead of confiding in one another as best friends do, and instead of talking with one another about your problems you both neglected the other and became independent partners in a relationship. Now, you’re trying to resolve the situation without talking with her again. Stop this –ish, man up, grow up, and talk with your wife. You’re supposed to be able to go to her, as well as she come to you about anything. Yet, you’re both hiding from each other.
If you don’t say anything, and she continues to not say anything to you, then just know that your marriage is a fraud. It is a sham. You are pretending your marriage is okay when it is in trouble. Fix this problem and go to her today with what you know. Be upfront and honest about how you discovered the messages on Skype, and how it made you feel. Tell her how hurt, angry, sad, and upset you are. Let her know that she has destroyed the trust in your marriage. Let her know that her infidelity has changed the dynamics of your marriage, and as a partner she needs to do her part in working to rectify the situation. You can’t take all the blame. She has some ownership in this as well. Don’t let her off so easily. I hope you find the courage and strength to confront her and work on this. You seem to love your wife and want to save your marriage, but it can’t be a one-way street with you doing all the changes. She has to change as well. She has created the element of distrust. She wants to sleep with another man, and is making plans to do so. She is cheating right now and still hasn’t said anything to you. She is not being faithful to her vows.
You better confront her and begin the work on this now. Yes, it will be painful, hard, and difficult, but the longer you wait it will only get worse. It won’t be easy, and this is going to be a trying and difficult time, but you’ve got to work this out, and address it. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Pretending your wife is not cheating on you, and ready to sleep with another man is not going to make her stop. Your vows are for the good and the bad, and this is your bad. Get to work on your marriage, and saving it, or you will be in divorce court very soon. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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