I’m married to my first love, whom I met at the age of 12.
We dated all throughout high school and I got pregnant in my senior year. We were crazy young, but we worked together to be good parents, and we have supported each other in our careers and in life.
We decided (or rather I decided) that it was time to live right, go to church, etc. And, I didn’t want to keep having sex and “living in sin,” so I brought up the issue of marriage at the age of 22. He agreed that we should and I asked if maybe we should get marital counseling so that we know what we’re getting into. He was against that, and said that he knew that we loved each other and that God would sort out the rest.
Fast forward to now 6 years later, and we are (I thought) happily married with 3 children. I’ve found evidence of his infidelity not once but several times over the years. Each time I go through the same process: anger, sadness, acceptance, forgiveness, and finally trying to move on. He knows how much he has hurt me, promises to not do it again, and then he does it again. I’ve tried everything I could to be a good wife – keep myself up, have sex (kinky, good sex mind you not mummy sex) and have fun with my husband.
I asked him what else is missing that I am not fulfilling, and he says nothing. I just don’t get it. I feel like he’s got it made! I’m always there for him – cooking/cleaning/caring for the children. But, I also work and bring home my own money. (I make more than he does at the moment). I let him take the lead role in the family because I believe as the man he is the head. I’m a pretty good looking woman. I’m trim, youthful, and get hit on by guys all the time and have never strayed. He is the only man I have ever loved. I have never had sex with anyone else nor do I want to. I’m very satisfied with him.
The problem is I think he knows that, and that’s why he takes me for granted. I’m so tired at this point and the only thing stopping me from packing my stuff is that I hate to break up our family. Other than this one issue, he’s a wonderful man and father. But, I can’t stay and risk my emotional well-being and my health. (There’s too much AIDS out there for me to be having unprotected sex with my husband if I know he’s cheating!).
I guess I’m asking you a question I already know the answer to, but what do you think? Should I call it quits? Should I stay and insist that if he wants me he has to go through counseling or whatever else until that trust is reestablished? Or, am I just letting him make a damn fool out of me? – Uncertain Marriage
Dear Ms. Uncertain Marriage,
You say that you would hate to break up your family because other than your husband’s infidelity over the years with several women he is a wonderful man and father. Really? Really, Ms. Honey? He is a wonderful man and father? He’s been cheating on you for several years with a number of women, and you feel he’s a wonderful man and father. Ma’am, he’s already destroyed your marriage. He’s destroyed your trust. And, as you said, you’ve experienced anger, sadness, and having to try to move on from his infidelities, so, instead of getting into counseling early on you’ve been trying to manage this on your own, and look what that’s gotten you. SMDH!
You’ve gone above and beyond for this man, and yet, he can’t give you a reason for why he is cheating. He can’t come clean and tell you what is going on, and why he feels the need to go outside of your marriage and seek sex with other women. He’s a coward and a piece of scum. He’s trifling. He continues to do the same thing over and over again and doesn’t know why he does it? You ask him a simple question and his dumbass can’t even give you a decent answer to why he feels he needs to stick his penis in every woman he meets. Girl, get a grip and a backbone.
He is not going to change. He is not going to stop. He can’t even give you a reason for why he is he doing what he is doing. Thus, what makes you think he wants to stop? He can’t even be sorry anymore. His apologies don’t mean a thing. He’s just doing it because he can, and because you won’t do anything about it either.
Yes, Ms. Honey, he keeps doing what he does because you allow it. You keep taking him back every time he steps outside of your marriage, sleeps with another woman, and comes back home to you. You take him back. No repercussions for his actions. No demands. No ultimatums. No nothing. So, because he knows you won’t do anything but get upset, mad, and angry, he knows he can get away with it and keep doing it. He doesn’t respect you, your marriage, or his own family. If you stopped letting him get away with this, and stopped accepting that bull-ish ass answer that he doesn’t know why he does it, then he will keep walking all over you, and treating you like his side piece at home.
He can only do to you what you allow him to do. He can keep cheating because you allow him to cheat with no repercussions or discourse for action for his actions. Pack his –ish, put him out, and get a divorce. Get you a good divorce lawyer, and take his measly little paycheck, and get alimony. Put him on child support, and maintain custody of your children. Take him for everything, and don’t regret any of it.
Yeah, I get it, he’s your teen crush, high school sweetheart, and love of your life. But, he is telling you to kiss his ass, and he’s going to keep sleeping around and you better accept it. And, you do!
Put an end to this. Stop giving in to your emotions. You know what he is doing is wrong. He even knows it. He has destroyed your marriage. He doesn’t think of you when he is laying up with other women. He is not thinking of his children and what this is going to do them in the long run. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. So, now it’s time to start caring about yourself and your children. Let him know that you are no longer going to accept his cheating, and lying. You will no longer accept him back into your arms, your home, and into your life. It’s over. You’ve been good to him. You’ve been a great wife. You’ve been a wonderful mother. And, you don’t deserve this. So, now, it’s time to do you, live for you, and live for your children. He can plead, beg, and ask for forgiveness all he wants, but they are fruitless and futile. He should have thought of all of this the first time he stepped out on your marriage. Therefore, tell him you don’t want to hear anymore apologies, and “I’m sorry.” It’s done. It’s over. And, you are now going to take him for everything he’s got, and will get. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!