Dear Bossip: He Got Her Pregnant & Says He’s Torn Between Me & His Child

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

Me and this guy dated for about 5 years.

The relationship was great for the most part, but we started arguing about any and everything. We went through getting mad and making up again for about 6 months until finally we mutually agreed to take a break. It was clear that we both needed space.

During this time he met someone and guess what? Less than 3 months she is pregnant. I was absolutely devastated! I eventually decided to move on. Soon as I did, well, guess who pops back in the picture confessing his undying love for me. Reluctantly, I took him back. I understood that if we are going to have a future together I would have to accept the child as well. We had planned on actively being a part of the kid’s life. I even imagined how things would be with a little one in the picture.

Things were going great. We were both excited about the birth. Well, the baby is here and now things have changed. Now, his only focus is the kid and what is best for him. He even went on to say that he is torn between being happy with me or doing what is best for the child. I’m trying to be considerate of his feelings, but I can’t help but to feel manipulated and played! – Feeling Betrayed

Dear Ms. Feeling Betrayed,

Well, help him with his choice of being torn between being happy with you or doing what’s best for the child and you leave him. That will help him resolve his issue, and, as a result, you won’t feel manipulated and played. Save yourself, and do what’s best for you and not worry about being considerate of his feelings. He wasn’t thinking of you when he moved on after you broke up and in less than 3 months he got another woman pregnant. He wasn’t being considerate of your feelings.

And, why are you attempting to take on the caring of a child that is not yours when the child’s mother is in the picture? I don’t understand how you are fantasizing and romanticizing a life with the child, and, even being active in the child’s life when the child’s mother is in the picture. You say you image how things would be with a little one in the picture, but the child is not yours. The child has a mother. Why are you romanticizing this life? Then, you’re talking about how you both were excited about the birth. You sound crazy. Acting as if the mother is a surrogate and you and your boyfriend were going to take the child and raise him as your own. The child is not yours. The child your boyfriend created with another woman is theirs.

Now, he’s telling you that he is torn between being happy with you or doing what’s best for the child. How does this create any type of dissension? What is he torn about? Not unless he is planning on getting back with the child’s mother. Not unless they have discussed them being a family and raising the child together. So, it leads me to believe that he is not being forthright and honest with you. He is not telling you the truth and he led you to believe something else when he already had plans of what he was going to do when the child arrived.

You dated for 5 years, and decided to take a break. During that time, when you were to be reflecting on your relationship and giving considerable thought as to whether or not you should be together, he obviously found someone else and she got pregnant. Then, he came running back to you confessing his undying love, and you took him back, even knowing he had another woman pregnant. So, I am curious as to why? Why take him back? Yes, I understand you were on break and people do things while on break. But, he got another woman pregnant which means she and the child will be in his life for the rest of their lives. You can’t say that you are going to be in the child’s life without the mother being present. You can’t dismiss her or ignore her. She is not going anywhere. Obviously you didn’t think this through clearly. Now, he’s wondering if he wants to be with you or be more involved with his child.

Technically, he’s made a choice. He’s decided on what he’s going to do. He is waiting on you to either accept all that is going on with him, or you walk away. I recommend you walk away. If he’s giving you ultimatums now, he will give them later. He will always put his child’s needs and well-being over yours. He will always choose the child over you. He will throw it up in your face that you don’t understand because you don’t have kids, and that you can’t make him choose between you and the child. Then, the mother will get involved. And, unless they have a court ordered ruling on custody and child support, then she will be constantly calling, asking, and needing him. Hell, even with a court order she will call, ask and need him.

You moved on before, then, I suggest you make it permanent this time. Save yourself the future headaches, and drama that will ensue with this child. Save yourself the torture of fighting with him and the child’s mother over their child. You can’t be active in a child’s life especially when the mother is present, and she may not want you active in her child’s life. She may not want you around her child. I guess you didn’t think of that either. End it, and let him know that you love him, but you love yourself more, and if he is torn over being with you and doing what’s best for his child, then he should always choose his child. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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