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Dear Bossip,

I have been on and off with my current ex-partner for over six years.

We both have children from different relationships, but both of our kids are close and we are almost like a family. Over the past two years I have caught him in 3 different incidences with his child’s mother. One time they had sex, and, the other two times he was sending inappropriate text messages.

His child’s mother sent me all the text messages and screenshots that he sent her all three times. Now in a perfect world, the average woman would say, “F**k him!” and move on. But, unfortunately, my emotional attachment to him makes that very hard. I have had a few spats with his child’s mother, but nothing too serious. I do believe that she still desires a relationship with him, but that does not excuse his behavior when it comes to having sex with her.

He always talks about how “sorry” she is (his daughter had to live with us for a while because of the difficulty of caring for their daughter) but, yet, he asks her to have sex with him. We have had instances where we don’t have the normal “average” sex for a young couple, and that is a reoccurring issue in our relationship. I believe this is when he runs to her.

The last time I caught him he gave me a BS excuse and then apologized and cried and promised he would never do it again. He proclaims that he loves me, but it makes me nervous and insecure because of his inability to leave her alone sexually. I admit I’m not a porn star in the bedroom, but I think I hold my own. LOL!

I have invested a lot of time into our relationship and it is hard losing someone you’re attached to. I’m not an idiot, nor am I oblivious to this situation, but I prefer a man’s perspective who is biased towards the two of us. I understand sex is important in a relationship, especially to a man, but I don’t think it should be that important when you love someone.

I am about to go back to nursing school soon and I really do not need extra stress in my life. So, I’m torn between giving him another chance and just letting him go completely. We currently just re-signed a lease at our complex, so, me moving out would take time and money, and I am not financially able to do it. But, if necessary I would. Other than that, he’s a great man and I truly would marry him in the future. However, I’m scared to put myself out there again in fear of being hurt. In your opinion, what should I do? – Stay or Go

Dear Ms. Stay or Go,

Uhm, I’m giving you a blank stare right now. The elevator is not going to the top for you, and, you claim you’re not an idiot or oblivious to this situation. However, when you had the chance to end this relationship, move on, and focus on you and your child, you re-signed a lease in your apartment complex to live another year with a man who has cheated on you with his baby momma, and because you’re not having “porn” sex you feel this is the reason he is running back to her. SMDH!

No, you’re not just an idiot or oblivious. You’re an idiot with a gluttony for punishment. You’re oblivious because when the opportunity presented itself for you to end this relationship, and move on you signed on to commit yourself to another year of his bull-ish, lies, and cheating. You clearly don’t value yourself. Who signs up for another year having all the information you have and will stay with a man who is cheating on them? Please explain this brilliancy and intelligence you have for rationalizing this choice?

You claim because he’s going to her because of the sex you two are not having, and what she can offer him in the bedroom. That is only part of it. He is emotionally tied to her. If he is texting her, communicating with her, and still having sex with her, then, it is more than sex. They have a relationship and you are the side chick. You are the woman he’s living with, but he is in a relationship with her!

Sex will not save your relationship. If you’re not having the average amount of sex for a young couple, then having more of it will not change anything. Besides, what is the ‘average amount’ of sex for a young couple? And, no, all relationships do not rely upon sex as a measure for staying together. But, if you’re not compatible sexually, then you’re not compatible. And, if he is not satisfied with you and he cheated with his baby momma, then, I’m certain there are other women he’s cheated on you with and you just don’t know about it.

You claim she is holding on for the hopes of having a relationship with him, but sweetie, he must be telling her something to believe they will have a future together. Something he is saying to her leads her to believe that they will end up together. Just like the lies he is telling you to keep you around. He is filling your head with some story, some hopeful future you two will have in order to keep you around. Girl, he is lying to you both. He is using the both of you. And, you’re the fool who moved him in, and you’re pretending you’re a happy family. You are not a family. He lives with you, and is sleeping with his baby momma.

You’re at home cooking for him. Cleaning behind him. Having sex with him. Giving him everything, yet, he is still not satisfied with just you. He still wants his baby momma. His heart is with her. His body may be in your home, but his head is with her. Ma’am, please wake up and know that he is does not care about either of you. He only cares about himself. He is not invested in your relationship. He is only invested in himself.

He can apologize, and tell you how sorry he is for cheating on you each time you catch him, but if he were to be really honest with you it would hurt your feelings. You would be destroyed to know that he doesn’t really love you and that he is just with you to pass the time. So, you need to know why is really with you? Why is he there? You’ve been on and off for six years, but he hasn’t asked you to marry him. Your relationship hasn’t moved forward. You’re still shacking up and playing house….six years later. Girl, you need to figure out a way to get out of that lease, move into your own home, and focus on school and your child. End this emotional back and forth with him. Remaining tied to him will only make you miserable and question yourself. You will continue to question what more you can do, what more you can offer, and how you can change, and you can do better and be better. You are not the problem. He is. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!




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