I have known my ex since I was 15 years old. We were friends for years.
He always tried to turn it into something more, but we lived in different towns so I always kept it as a friendship. We started dating about 3 years ago and everything was great. Things quickly began to change after a few months in.
I was informed that I had developed an ovarian cyst that put a toll on our intimacy. He was very understanding and even looked up information on this just to gain a better understanding of what I was going through. He took me on vacations, and he was there for me whenever I needed him, even supporting and motivating me throughout college.
Fast-forward, and I begin dealing with more health issues and again he was supportive until I started noticing a few issues of his own. He would drink and become very mean. He would voice how he felt about his friends, family, and me only when he was drunk. During one of these drunken episodes he broke up with me and I decided to take some time to myself.
I met a guy and we dated for a little while (3 months). Things didn’t work out and my ex and I tried to work on our relationship. We were at a bar one night and he asked me if I did anything with the guy whom I was involved with briefly. I answered honestly and told him that the guy gave me oral pleasure. He immediately stormed out of the bar and left me. He cried about it for days, need I mind you he admitted to sleeping with someone while we were on our break.
We decided to let the past go and move on together, or so I thought. After Easter, he stopped talking to me for a few weeks. He said he needed to know if he wanted to be with me or not (I admitted to him that I had really liked the other guy and could have saw myself being with him if I wasn’t still stuck on him). I tried to give him space and be understanding, but during this time I had a miscarriage three weeks before my graduation. I didn’t know I was even pregnant. I was told that It would be a slim to no chance I could have children because my ovarian cyst had scarred my insides. I was sad, scared, and felt alone.
When I told him he cried. He’s wanted a child for years and has wanted me to have a child for a while now. However, this didn’t change how he felt. He did not come to check up on me. I only received text messages and phones calls asking if I was okay. He still seemed standoffish for a while until my graduation. I allowed him to come, being as he helped me a lot throughout my semesters.
Fast forward, we got into an argument because I feel as though he doesn’t understand why I feel this way. I’m not stupid. I understand that I need to get help for this, but I just wanted him to feel the same way that I felt. During an argument he tried to get under my skin and me being very foolish I blamed him for being the reason why I miscarried. I told him that if he didn’t stress me out so badly I probably could have had our baby.
Now, we are not speaking and it is going on two months. I feel horrible. I start grad school in two weeks, and recently got a great job, so I already have a lot on my plate, but I feel horrible that this has happened to my body. I feel horrible to know that at 23 years of age it is a strong possibly that I may never have a child, and I feel horrible for hurting him ever in this type of way.
I guess my question for you is, is what I said that bad that it can never be forgiven? I miss him, but I do understand that he may never speak to me again. – Sad and Sorry
Dear Ms. Sad and Sorry,
So what if he doesn’t speak to you again. He’s childish, silly, and immature. Let him drown in his own misery. Don’t let him drag you down with him, and make you feel guilty over his antics and this emotional rollercoaster.
Besides, this break-up is a blessing in disguise, and you may not see it now, and you may feel horrible for how it happened, but it is saving you from this back and forth rollercoaster with him, and the emotional and mental stress he adds to your life. You don’t need it, and you don’t need him.
He has a problem with his drinking, and it’s obvious that he expresses his true feelings when he drinks, such as how he feels about his family, friends, and you. He may apologize and blame it on the alcohol, but that is a cop-out. Don’t allow him to use his drunken stupor as a way out of what he says, and does when he’s drinking. He needs help, and you shouldn’t bear the burden of his abuse when he drinks.
When you were on break you both saw other people, so, when he asked the question about the other guy, then, he should have known you would have been intimate with him even though you only received oral pleasure. But, the fact that he stormed out of the bar and left you there, (again, notice you were in a place where alcohol was present) is very telling that he is unstable. He could not handle the truth about what you were doing during your break, therefore, he should not have asked. But, because he had to know and he got the raw truth he couldn’t handle it. Then, he had the audacity to stop speaking to you for weeks because he had to figure things out and decide if he wanted to be with you. Uhm, ma’am, he is a grown ass man, yet, he’s acting like a big ass baby.
He is throwing temper tantrums, stomping his feet, and pouting because he is upset and does not know how to channel his anger. Girl, let him be a baby and give him a pacifier. Stop giving in to him and letting him mentally and emotionally abuse you. He doesn’t care about you or support you the way that you deserve. When you miscarried your child he wasn’t there for you physically, and he didn’t comfort you. He was calling and texting.
Now, if he truly and desperately wanted you to have his child and you miscarried, then, he would have been there with you. He would have been at your side to comfort you. He wasn’t. He doesn’t know how to be there for you because he needs help himself. He can’t help you when he can’t even help himself.
And, of course he is not speaking to you again because you expressed to him how you actually feel. You were honest with him just like he is honest about everyone else when he is in his drunken state and expects you to take it. So, when the tables turn he can’t handle his own medicine of honesty. Don’t be upset or sorry for how you feel and how you expressed yourself. He did stress you out while you were pregnant. Though, you didn’t know you were pregnant. But, his back and forth and being dramatic, on top of his indecisiveness on whether or not he wants to be in a relationship is for the birds. Either you want to be in a relationship or you don’t. You’ve been dealing with this for 3 years. Let him go, and let it go. This rollercoaster is on a constant downhill fall. Let it crash and move on.
Focus on your new job and starting grad school. Both are new journeys, and you don’t want to bring old and damaged baggage on this journey. Begin anew and enjoy this part of your life without him. You will meet another guy, and he will not be as dramatic and emotionally unstable as your ex. Also, you have to take care of yourself and your health. Find a doctor who can help you deal with your emotional, mental, and health issues. Focus on taking care of your mind and body. This part of your life should be all about you, and not worrying about some crying baby-acting grown ass man who is mentally and emotionally draining. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: email@example.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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