Dear Bossip: I Go Above & Beyond For My Friend, But She Doesn't Do It For Me

Dear Bossip,

My best friend and I are having serious issues that I’m not sure that I’m able to recover from.

We met several years ago through another friend (who neither of us are friends with any longer) and everything was great. We became fast friends almost immediately. We were thick as thieves for the longest time.

By trade, I am a life coach, and I specialize in cases like hers. She always has some sort of drama going on, so seeing an open door at the top of the friendship I explained that I’d be willing to assist her with advice to overcome many of her issues.

I’ve counseled her through countless relationships/men issues and breakups, nearly losing her house (she quit a full-time, great paying job abruptly to go do something part-time and eventually got fired from that), her issues with her mother and grandmother (grandmother raised her), her inability to behave as an adult (she’s several years older than I, but says she doesn’t know how to be an adult because everyone [her family] does everything for her and they always get her out of tight spots).  I’ve been with her through unemployment to helping her find a new job. I also helped her get her bills and budget in order.  And, I’ve sat with her while she cried about men trouble.

I’ve been by her side, giving advice and helping in any way that I’m able to. During all of this, I moved away to a new city for a new job (about an hour away) and not once did she come to see me or hang out with me. If I wanted to see her, I had to come back home. She barely called, texted, or Face-timed while I was away. I had to initiate everything. You’re probably thinking, “Well, she was unemployed.” Correct. But, she found money and time to travel TO THE CITY IN WHICH I WAS LIVING when she was dating a guy who lived near me. Even while she was dating him, she never came to visit or say hi. She never asks how I’m doing or what’s going on in my life. It’s all about her and her drama. And, there is ALWAYS drama.

I’ve talked to her about these issues before–twice. Once, face-to-face. The other time, I wrote her a 5-page letter so that she would able to refer back to it, and because she knew that I wanted to talk to her, she avoided having another face-to-face with me. She knows that I hold no punches and I tell the truth. So, anytime I tell her, “We need to talk…” she avoids me like the plague–not answering phone calls, not texting, won’t read e-mail, anything. But, I’ve told her she’s a selfish, inconsiderate, bad friend and she needs to change if she expects to keep me as her friend. And, she made a great effort for about 2 weeks before she went back to her old ways.

The job I moved for was not a good fit, so, after a couple of years I moved back home. She is also a singer and I sing as well. We are both fantastic singers. She’s been in several bands around this area; I do a lot of singing and performing in the theatre, but, I also do some solo stuff on the side. She recently got someone to put on a showcase for her–a night with her doing the music she loves.

Initially, she asked if I would be one of her background singers. I’m not too proud to do back-up, so I agreed. She went into this completely disorganized, not knowing which venue she would be playing, who her other background singers or musicians would be, if she or the singers or the band would get paid for this, etc. But, I said, “This is her show. I’m gonna be supportive.”

She and I agreed that I would help out by kind of being the manager of the show since this is her first time doing anything like this and I’ve done things like this before. After repeatedly asking her, she failed to get me the information to coordinate and line out things. She failed to get me rehearsal dates. She and I scheduled time for just she and I to have rehearsals (we were going to do a duet in the show) and I cleared two days off my hectic schedule for her on a weekend. She didn’t call, text, or show-up for any of the times we agreed upon.

I didn’t communicate with her because I wanted to see how serious she was about HER show.  As she kept saying, “I’ve been waiting 25 years to have a show of my own!” Okay.  Prove it. So, she was a no-show all weekend. Monday morning I told her, “You got this on your own. I am bowing out. I’m not going to be a part of any mess. You don’t know your band, singers, venue, or if you’re getting paid and you won’t give me the information and you’ve been a no show with me. I’m done.”

Well, she tells me that she still wants me to do the duet. I agree reluctantly. I texted her a few weeks ago to ask about rehearsal times, as I’ve been rehearsing the duet on my own, and she texts me back to tell me, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I had too many songs and something had to go, so there will be no duet. Maybe next time.”

She’s singing 23 songs from a set-list that I put together for her. I picked the songs and arranged the set-list order because she asked me to and she knows I enjoy doing that kind of thing.

When we would do karaoke or public singing together, she was never encouraging of me. She has to have all of the shine, spotlight, and attention. I’m completely supportive of her. I’m up there with her when she’s singing and videoing it, and I’m cheering her on. When I sing? She’s at the table on her phone or stepping outside to make phone calls, or rolling her eyes when people compliment me and ask for another song. If she doesn’t get compliments, she’s ready to leave.

I’ve been to all of her shows, even when I lived out of the city. She has yet to come to see ONE of my theatre productions. It’s always, “I don’t have money for gas.” Or, “My back is out, and I can’t go anywhere.” But, her Facebook statuses ALWAYS seem to differ from what she told me. She seems to find money at the last minute and her back always seems to miraculously heal.

In other words, it’s always all about her. Everything.

Am I wrong for not wanting to go to her showcase? Out of 23 songs, the duet has to be the one that was cut? Am I wrong for feeling some type of way about that?

I’m trying to not have a talk with her before her showcase and throw her off, but at this point I’m fed up and done with the bull and the drama overall. The show was just the icing. The friendship feels very one-sided. I’m tired of convincing others in my life what’s so good about her when I’m not even sure I know the answer to that myself. I honestly don’t feel like she wishes me well. – Mr. One-Sided Friendship

Dear Mr. One-Sided Friendship,

You know the answer to your questions. You already know what you need to do. Why are you reluctant to pull the plug on this friendship? Or, is it because you want to do the show with her and have your shine, and you’re upset she cut you out?

Sir, you can’t be a victim and you allow yourself to be abused by someone you know is an abuser.

Your biggest mistake was trying to fix her, and you changed the dynamics of your friendship to become her life coach. You knew she had problems, and her life was filled with drama, so, instead of referring her to a professional therapist, or counselor, you decided that you would take on that role. Once you became her counselor, her life coach, her go-to person to help her with her issues, problems, and drama, then she no longer saw you as a friend. You become her therapist, her fixer, her person to dump all her problems. You were her dumping field. And, you allowed it.

Let me say this: Your friendship is ALL about her, and she is ALL about herself.

The fact that you’re a life coach and recognized her issues and drama, and you still volunteered and remained in this toxic relationship shows your tolerance, yet, it also shows your inability to set boundaries in how you allowed her to continue to mistreat you, and once you recognized her patterns of not returning your calls, ignoring you, and not supporting you or even visiting you while she was in your city, so, you have to ask yourself why did you allow this to go on for so long?

You seem like a glutton for punishment. You continue to want to have these “talks” with your friend about how she treats you, doesn’t support you, or to call her out on her treatment toward you, but, each time you do this she ignores you. She only comes around when she needs you to cheer her up, or help her out of a situation, and when she needs you for something. And, you jump right back in and continue this pattern with her.

But, I’m curious as to why are you telling her that you “need to talk,” and you are writing her 5­-page letters? As her life coach and friend, there seems to be a blurred line of your role as friend or life coach. And, it comes across as if you’re in a relationship and not a friendship.

Yet, it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be her friend. You keep claiming her as your friend, and you go above and beyond to be there for her, and even helping her to fix her life, but she doesn’t reciprocate any of this with you. Once you’ve helped her, given her advice, given her a shoulder to lean on, and allowed her to dump her problems on your lap, she is out! She’s gotten what she needs and she leaves you holding all her –ish. And, you seem to be happy to do so.

Here’s my point: She has a show and invites you to join her. Seeing she isn’t organized or has her –ish together, which is the story of her life, you jump into savior mode. You, yet again, want to help her and fix her problem. Sir, you were the help. She asked you to be a background singer. Notice where she wanted you in her show – the background. Yet, you don’t do background and then realizing her show was a mess you stepped in to become her manager. SMDH! You see how you immediately fall into “fix her life” mode. But, again, you go in on her for not being organized and having her –ish together, and decided to walk away. To bring you back into her drama, and her mess, she lures you back by offering you a duet. Oh, that must have been enticing for you. So, you agree, however, the issue around her show, her work ethic, her drama, and her lack of putting things together is still unresolved.

Look, you already know that this friendship is one-sided. You already know that she is not your friend. She uses you, takes advantage of your friendship, and she abuses your friendship. Why are you holding on to her and trying to make her be a friend to you?

You’re talking about you wrote her a 5-page letter so that she can refer back to it and see how she treats you, then, I recommend that you take a page out of your own book and re-read this letter you wrote me so that you can refer back to it. You will see the patterns of your toxic relationship, your role in it, and hopefully you will be able to answer as to why you continue to remain in this friendship. She doesn’t see you as her friend. She doesn’t respect you as a person. She cut you out of her show. Yes, out of 23 songs she could choose from, she cut you out. Take that as a sign and a metaphor – she has already cut you out of her life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!