My ex-husband is about to marry his new girlfriend and I feel like I’m dying inside!
Let me give you a little background first. My ex and I began dating when I was 19 years old. He was my first real boyfriend. We fell for each other hard and fast. But, after 2 years of dating we broke up. I was young and needed to be free. I just couldn’t do the relationship thing. He was hurt, but he remained my friend despite everything.
After 3 years of the single life, which was whack by the way, I realized I made a huge mistake and went to get my man back. Luckily, for me, he was just playing the field and was onboard with us getting back together. We got pregnant shortly after and I had my sweet little baby girl. We were both in bliss, and on her first birthday we got married. It was the happiest day of my life. Here I was 26 years old, married, with a kid and one on the way. Life couldn’t have been better.
After our son’s birth, our sex life took a dive. My hormones were in overdrive and I wanted it all the time. My ex, not so much. Between work, school, and 2 kids under 5, my poor husband was done. Frustrated with our sex life and home life (I became bored), I started cheating. I met a guy at the gym, and without getting into detail, you know what happened.
My affair lasted for several months before my ex found out. He surprisingly wasn’t too angry. He admitted that he had cheated as well, but wanted to make it work. We agreed on going to therapy because neither one of us wanted to divorce. Therapy did wonders. We were having sex regularly and getting along. However, that didn’t last very long though.
My ex was on the verge of getting his degree and had little time for me and our children. This made me very resentful toward him. We fought often and were right back where we started. It all came to an end after I cheated again. I’m embarrassed to say, but I fell in love with the other guy. He was everything my ex wasn’t. And, yes, he sold me a dream of happiness that I bought.
I told my husband that it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. Being the man that he was, he laughed and told me to leave and leave his kids, and that I could have my new man. Eventually, though, he left. We were fighting too much and it just wasn’t a healthy environment for our kids. Once he was gone, I felt relieved. I could finally have the relationship I wanted. But, that was short lived.
My new guy and I broke up a few months after and I was devastated. In addition to going through a break up, my parents were pissed, his family hated me and my children missed having their dad at home. We hadn’t yet divorced and I felt like if I tried really hard he’d take me back. He seemed open to the idea, but refused to move back in.
We co-parented with ease and occasionally did things as a family. But, as the months passed, he didn’t seem interested in coming home. We even started having sex again. But, something was missing. He didn’t seem in love anymore. So, eventually I just asked. He said he was, and that he just didn’t wanna move too fast, which I didn’t like, but understood.
After a few months he told me he wanted a divorce. I was floored. I couldn’t believe this was happening! How could I have been so stupid? I didn’t try to stop him though. I told him that if that’s what he wanted then so be it. I was destroyed inside, but felt like maybe it was for the best.
We remained cool friends and great parents to our kids. Things seemed good between us as time went on, that is until SHE came along. I first learned of her when one day he butt-dialed me and I heard their entire conversation. They were laughing and seemed very happy. I hadn’t heard him laugh like that in years. I was beyond hurt, but played cool. Before I could ask who he was dating he came out and told me. He said they were getting pretty serious and he wanted her to meet the kids soon. Despite my annoyance, I appreciated him letting me know and I gave him my blessing (sarcasm).
So, to wrap this all up, it’s been 4 years since our divorce. They’ve been together for 2 years, and just purchased a home together. And, my daughter found a ring box! What do I do Terrance!?! I can’t let him marry this woman. Yes, I know it’s my fault! And, I probably should have fought harder, but I didn’t think it would come to this! I thought we would do what we always did, break up and get back. Now, it’s really over. What should I do? – I Don’t Want It To Be Over
Dear Ms. I Don’t Want It To Be Over,
So, you cheated on your husband on two different occasions, and the last time you cheated you actually left your husband because you fell in love with the other man, and because it didn’t work out as you had hoped, you wanted to go back to your husband, but he had already moved on, then, he asked you for a divorce, yet, you were shocked when he asked for a divorce, and, now he is happy and in a new relationship with another woman and planning marriage, and you feel that you should have fought harder to get him back, and now you’re crushed that there is a real possibility that this is really over and you’ve lost him for good. Hmmm, okay. Now you’re asking me what should you do.
Well, wish him happiness, and you move on, get into therapy and work on you, and when you’re healed, then, you can find you someone that you can love and be faithful too.
But, I want you to notice your pattern with this man. When you initially met and dated, YOU felt you were too young to be serious, and YOU decided YOU didn’t want to be in a relationship. So, you went your separate ways and you discovered the single life wasn’t for you. YOU went running back to him, and he took you back. You had two children, and got married. Then, when YOU felt your marriage wasn’t what YOU wanted, particularly, he wasn’t sexually active enough for YOU, then, you cheated. He learned of your infidelity, and confessed that he had also cheated. You both got into therapy to work and save your marriage. Then, lo and behold, YOU cheat again because YOU were resentful of him not being there for you and the kids as he was working, and getting his degree. Please, ma’am, I ask that you notice the many YOUs and how YOU were never satisfied with him. He was never enough for you. I’m sure you may have loved him, but were you in love with him. Did you love who he would become, or the ideal of being married, or even the concept of hopefully falling in love and being the family you dreamed about?
So, I ask do you really want him back or is it that this time he’s moved on and he isn’t waiting on you any longer and you feel threatened that the new woman is going to replace you and take your always-on-hold husband?
And, did you ever consider the outcome and what your cheating would do to your family? Did you ever think of your children and how this would affect them? Did you really consider what cheating would do to your husband? What were you hoping to gain by cheating? You had full-fledge relationships with other men, so there was something you were seeking and if you hadn’t been caught the first time there is the possibility you would still be cheating, and you did cheat again with another man. But, the second time you actually left your husband for the other man. Now, do you think that was fair to your husband, especially after you announced you were leaving him for the other guy? Should he had sat around and waited on you?
From reading your letter it doesn’t seem that you were happy, and that you really wanted to be with him. It appears that he is the fall back guy when things doesn’t work out with the other men you tend to leave him for. Or, perhaps, maybe, you’re just not happy with your life and you are seeking something more. Whatever it is, you should be in therapy, and get to the root of your issues. Your ex has always been available for you, and, he’s always been there when you left and wanted to return. And, perhaps this final episode of you leaving him was enough for him to say he’s tired, and he wants to move on and not wait on you any longer. Maybe he wants his happiness, and he’s found a woman who gives him what he desires. And, as hard as it may feel, you’re going to have to recognize that he’s moving forward and moving on.
If he’s ready to introduce his new girlfriend to your children, and they are living in bliss, then, I’m sure he is not interested in reconciling with you. He’s had the time to think about your relationship when he moved out of the home when you last cheated. He didn’t move back in immediately, but he was willing to work on your marriage, yet, he decided to take things slowly and during that time he thought about everything, considered his options, and he told you that he wanted a divorce. You say you were devastated, but what would you expect after everything you and he had gone through, especially when you cheated on him and left him for another man?
He was fed up. He had time to think. He wanted out of this up and down rollercoaster. He no longer wants to invest in the relationship, or your marriage. You’re divorced. He’s found another woman and he’s happy. Let him be happy.
Get into therapy and work on you. Get to the root of your issues, especially around your infidelity, and your happiness. Something keeps you seeking and searching for something else, and you do a lot of looking outside yourself instead of inside yourself, and you have to reconcile that before you move into another relationship and repeat the same pattern. – Terrance Dean
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