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Dear Bossip,

I was in a long term relationship/marriage for 18 years (married for 13 of those years).

We met when I was 16 and he was the first guy I ever dated. We have 2 kids together and after many complications with my body I am no longer able to have kids. Well, we got divorced a couple of years ago due to his many infidelities. I was very hurt after this, but I prayed about it and received peace.

Six months later in December, I prayed for a certain type of man and I asked God to let me know who this man would be by a specific saying that only God and I knew about. And, wouldn’t you know it I was blessed with the presence of this man in my life. He was EVERYTHING I prayed for….AND he said the magic phrase! I was in heaven!

But, the down side of this is that he was already in a relationship for three months, in which he told me that he didn’t see himself being in for long. However, they were living together. He gave me so much of his time, attention, and affection. We had so many things in common and we just fit together. We really loved each other (still do), and aside from loving him, I stayed because he said that he didn’t want to be where he was. He actually told me that if it wasn’t for his situation with her, he would have asked me to marry him!

We would talk about any and everything. We talked about our past and the future…we both saw each other in our lives forever. We both believed that we were answered prayers for each other and we talked extensively about that. He once asked how I felt about having more kids (he doesn’t have any) and I was completely honest with him and told him that I couldn’t have any more kids. His reply to that was that it was okay because he wasn’t sure that he wanted or could even have kids. And, that was big for me because I feared that I would fall in love with someone that wanted kids and I wouldn’t be able to have them.

About 9 months into our relationship-which was 1 year into theirs, he told me that she wanted to start a family and get married. I asked him what was it that he wanted and he said that he wasn’t sure and that his dad was pushing for grandkids. Then about six months later he told me that he was going to go ahead and get married because he wanted a family too. He said that he was choosing to have a family over having the person he loved. I already had kids so I understood him wanting kids. But, I didn’t understand how he could still be in a relationship that he didn’t see himself being in for long and on top of that he was about to marry her!

Well, they got married and he still tells me that I’m his soul mate and the woman that he has always prayed for….someone like his mom! But, I have never met his mom or his dad. I must admit that over the course of this relationship I have tried leaving several times. Each time he would tell me that he can’t see his life without me in it, but that he understood why I wanted to leave. But, he never let me leave…he would still call and come by. And, each time I stayed because I loved him and I believed that he was “the one.”

Fast forward to today, although I love him, I love myself more. I told him that I wasn’t going to be anyone’s side piece. And, after being away from him it feels like a piece of me is gone because we were that much in tune with each other. We connected on all levels…sexually, mentally, emotionally, and more important, spiritually. Knowing what I prayed for, and believing that my prayers were answered, I feel that maybe this is a time that God may be showing him that that’s not where he needs to be. He answered both of our prayers by putting us in each other’s life. For now we are friends, but I still feel guilty for being his friend. I am working on me now and giving my heart time to heal, but I still feel in my heart and my soul that he is the one for me! But, the big question is AM I TRULY THE ONE FOR HIM? – Ms. Naïve Or Naw

Dear Ms. Naïve or Naw,

You can’t be that damn dumb! You really have brought God and spirituality into this, and you really do believe that God sent you someone else’s man. I can’t and I won’t!

Let me get this straight! You prayed and asked God to send you a man, and then made a pact with God that the man would know of a magic phrase that only you and God knew about. Chile, people are giving out magic phrases now that only they and God know, so when someone shows up and speak these magic words, then it means God sent this person into your life? Okay, boo boo!

Well, lo and behold, you meet a man and he repeats the magic words. So, of course this man had to be the one because no one knows the magic phrase but you and God. Yet, there is one caveat. This man is already in a relationship with another woman, and they have been together for three months. Now, this is where you should have questioned and asked yourself, why would God send you a man who is already in a relationship? Why would God bring you someone else’s man?

Let me go ahead and say this now: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN. GOD DID NOT SEND THIS MAN TO YOU. He is not your soul mate. He is not your life partner. Girl, he married another woman. What don’t you get? What don’t you understand? You are sitting up here talking about, “Knowing what I prayed for, and believing that my prayers were answered, I feel that maybe this is a time that God may be showing him that that’s not where he needs to be.” HUH? You sound stupid as hell! He is married to another woman. When he had the chance to choose you, the so-called love of his life, his soul mate, he chose another woman. If God sent you into his life and you were supposed to be together, then don’t you think he would have left the other woman, and he would be with you right now?

And, this is why I know you are not that bright. You left your husband of 18 years because of his infidelities. Yet, you get into a relationship with another man who was cheating on his girlfriend with you, and he’s still telling you that he wants to continue seeing you despite him being married. However, you don’t find it ironic that you are yet in another relationship with a man who has infidelity issues? Girl, goodbye!

You have got to be the most naïve and slowest person yet. You claim God sent this man into your life, but please know that God had nothing to do with this. Do not put this on God. That man played you, and he went along with your story about God sending him into your life and he only told you what you wanted to hear. He’s been playing on your naïve sensibilities, and telling you that he feels the same thing you. It’s a lie!  He told you that he loves you, and you’re his soul mate, and he wants to be with you, but he couldn’t because he’s with another woman. Everything he told you was a lie. He doesn’t love you. You are not his soul mate. He does not want to be with you. Why would he marry another woman he doesn’t want to be with if he has the chance to be with the woman of his dreams, or the woman he truly loves? Yet, when it came down for him to decide and to choose between you, the love of his life, his soul mate, the woman he really wants to be with, and the other woman that he doesn’t want to be with, and he doesn’t feel as connected with, he chose her! He chose to marry her. He chose to be with her and to start a family.

Please open your damn eyes and get out of this fantastical hopefulness and dream that is not a reality! The magical words were not magical words. God would never send you a man who is already in a relationship with another woman. The moment he told you that he was in a relationship you should have made your exit. Why stick around? Why date and get involved with a man who is already in a relationship? It just goes to show your desperation for a man. You divorce one man for his infidelities only to end up with another man who is doing the very same thing, and you can’t see this! Girl, goodbye! That man is not your man, will never be your man, and will never marry you or leave his wife for you. He has access to you and to your heart because you want him to. You can’t leave him, or walk away from him because you don’t want to. You want him to be in your life. Well, let him go. He is not your man. He is married. Move on. You and this man will never work out. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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