Dear Bossip: My Husband Has Gained Weight & I'm No Longer Attracted To Him

Dear Bossip,

I love my husband dearly, but his growing belly is making me less attracted to him every day.

He was always husky, but was filled with promises of getting in shape. I fell in love with him because of who he is as a person, but I’ve always been weary of his size. I’ve always dated men who took their physique seriously, but this man stole my heart because he truly was a wonderful man.

But, now that we are married, his weight has gotten worse and it hurts me to say that I am growing less physically attracted to him as his stomach continues to expand. He is no longer husky, but grossly obese. He now waddles when he walks and he has broken toilet seats, our bed, and the couch. Every week is a promise of a new start, but every week it’s the same thing. I’ve tried controlling his food and getting him to work out with me, but my efforts are in vain because he eats whatever when I am not around and lies about working out. Frankly, I think any advice or suggestion has made me out to be a nag and that’s not what I want for us.

I am not asking for him to be a muscle man. And, as much as I would want us to be that fit couple together, I have come realize that it’s a pipe dream. After all, he was not that person to begin with so who am I to ask that of him now. But, I would like him to take his health seriously. His whole family is large which has resulted in a short lifespan. I don’t want that for him or us. I want to grow old with him, but I only see it going downhill.

He now waddles when he walks. Going up and down stairs has become a chore for him, and getting up from seated positions seem uncomfortable (not to mention he just plops down when he sits). My question to you, and the men at Bossip, is how do I approach this situation without hurting him? Without appearing to be a nag and controlling? Without making it appear that I am disgusted by his body? It has gotten to the point where we have argued about this problem and I am left to feel like the bad guy. I love him and I will never leave him even at his worst, but just as much as I work to make sure that I am always attractive to him, I feel as if I deserve the same in return. And, just as much as I try to take care of myself so that we can have a long life, I want the same from him. – My Overweight Husband

Dear Ms. My Overweight Husband,

All you can do is be honest with him about his weight and how it makes you feel as his wife, and the woman who has to sleep with him. If he is no longer physically attractive to you, and you feel yourself disgusted by his weight, then all you can do is tell him the truth, and let him know that you want to desire him, and you want to be attracted to him, but his weight is making him less and less desirable. If the shoe were on the other foot, trust and believe, he would be telling you to lose weight, and mentioning your shape and figure. So, don’t be afraid to say what you truly feel to him.

Also, since he doesn’t seem to be motivated by you to workout with you, or to eat healthy, then why not find him a group of guys he can workout with? How about getting his boys in on the action for some motivational support? Maybe they can get together and play basketball, or football, or some outdoor physical activity, and, maybe even some indoor gym sports such as racquetball, and swimming. Hell, he can start walking around the block, or at the local high school track. Walking burns lots of calories, and the pounds will shed if he just puts one foot in front of the other. Even making small changes such as drinking water and eliminating soda will cause him to lose some pounds. I even bet that if you stocked the house with fruits and vegetables, and filled the pantry with pretzels and nuts, he will either begin eating what’s in the house, or he will leave the house and go get his sugary treats. Either way, if you make the changes in the home, and stick with them, he will begin to eat what’s there, or he will complain and go get his own treats.

And, unfortunately, if he is not motivated to lose weight, and he has no desire to want to, then it will be an uphill battle, and his waistline and stomach will continue to grow. Something in him has to want to make him get healthy and fit. He has to want it for himself. If you keep pushing him and he does get on board with your program, he may resort back to his eating habits and pattern because he is not doing for himself but for you and others. And, as you said, he comes from a large family, so there is no motivation from his own family to get fit and healthy.

You can recommend your husband see a doctor, and the doctor can give him the real diagnosis of his health, and what his weight is doing to his body. This may be a wake-up call for him, especially if you have children. He should want to be healthy so that he can live, and to be around for your children and even to play with them in sports activities.

Last, since you mentioned your husband comes from a large family, then, perhaps his eating is psychological, and behavioral. You mentioned he has always been husky, thus, his size is genetic, but he can manage and maintain a healthy and fit husky weight. If you can talk with him about seeing a therapist to get to the root of his eating, it may very well be that he is an emotional eater. Or, his eating habits may be behavioral and he doesn’t know how to choose healthy foods that can be good for him and taste good. All he knows how to do is choose foods he’s learned over the years from his family. He only eats what he is accustomed to eating. If he combines therapy with a dietician, then, they can devise some healthy food options and choices he can snack on and eat. If he is truly committed to this, then he will do it for himself and for you. But, more so for himself.

If none of these work, then let your husband know that you are going on a sex strike. If he doesn’t get his weight under control, and seriously consider doing some things to change his lifestyle, then you will not give up on the goodies. Yes, it’s a drastic move, but if you want your husband back, and he realizes that you love him and want a better life for the both of you, then he will do what he needs to do to save his marriage which is in trouble. He may think you’re tripping or acting irrational, but if you stick to your guns, and dress sexy and wear lingerie at night he will see what he is missing, and hopefully will get into action about his weight. – Terrance Dean

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