I am a 37 year old married woman. I’ve been married to my 40 year old husband for 13 years.
We’ve been together for 21 years. We have 5 children together (all boys). In July 2014 we moved from New York to South Carolina for a better life. I had our 4th son in May 2014. Right after moving to South Carolina all of a sudden I got depressed. I felt insecure and unattractive. I believe it was postpartum depression.
My husband obtained a job one day after we got to South Carolina. That following Monday he started the new job. When my husband arrived home from work I was crying and told him I was feeling insecure and unattractive and depressed. Me, being insecure, asked him if his supervisor was a woman. She was. I asked him was she pretty and he said yes she was attractive and made a smirk. I felt that was insensitive. I asked him if she had a nice body, big breasts, and a big butt. He said he didn’t know because he doesn’t look at other women. I asked him not to lie and said you’re a man that’s what men do. But, he insisted that he didn’t do that.
That same week on Thursday he had to go to another city for a job conference. It was about 2 hours away or more. On the way there we talked on the phone. I was telling him again how I was feeling down and I was thinking about the past when he cheated on me with his best friend’s children’s mother and girlfriend in 2005. The conversation got very heated because he down played his cheating stating it was only a kiss and sex talk with this woman. He also blamed me for the cheating stating I caused him to do it because we were fighting all the time. After arguing he apologized for blaming me.
That night I asked him how was the conference. He told me how it was. I asked him was his supervisor there. He said yes. I asked him did he look at her body. He said he saw it. I asked him again if she had nice breasts and butt. He said she was skinny, had small breasts and had a nice big butt. I asked him if he liked it and he said no. I asked him if it was nicer than mine and he said yes because it was big and round and mine is big and wide. This upset me so much because in 2007 my husband told me he thought his brother’s wife had a nice butt and it was nicer than mine. That’s when I also found out he didn’t like my butt and its shape. He said he doesn’t like that it is flat on the sides.
That Friday after he went to work I started to Google his supervisor to see how she looked. I found her on Facebook. That Friday night I was telling my husband how hurt I felt by him. However, he was very insensitive. I asked him if she drove a white 300 and he said yes and how did I know. I told him I remember seeing a lady getting into that kind of car on the day of his interview, but I thought she was one of the clients because she looked very disheveled and un-kept. I also told him that I saw her and the car on Facebook. He said he knew I was looking her up on Facebook because when he attempted to look her up on Facebook her profile popped up. I got so upset and I slapped him because he was going to look this woman up on Facebook. What was his reason? I felt betrayed.
It is now almost one year and a half since then and I am still feeling depressed. It has gotten worse. I have cried every single day since he told me her butt was nicer than mine. He did quit after 3 weeks because he wasn’t getting paid enough and he felt it would make me feel better. But, it hasn’t.
I have been constantly looking on her Facebook and Instagram pages almost daily. It has become an obsession. I ask him questions about it every day because of my insecurities and we fight every day because he doesn’t understand how I am feeling, and he is tired of the questioning. Every time I ask him a question pertaining to this he changes his answer or he beats around the bush. I feel like I can’t trust him because he continues to lie even though he says he will be honest with me. I love my husband, but at the same time I hate him.
My dream was to move to South Carolina for years and I feel he ruined it for me because I haven’t been happy since. My question for you is what should I do? I feel like I want a divorce because of the constant disrespect and insensitivity, but I want to stay for the kids. Also, I started seeing a therapist in September, but I stopped going after 4 weeks for no good reason. I would also like to add that 2 days ago he told me that I didn’t need to be insecure about my body because he likes big curvy women like myself. He also gave examples of shapes he likes and prefers and named 2 of my cousins that we see often, which I didn’t ask for. Now, my feelings are hurt about that because now I know he likes my cousin’s shapes and have been checking them out. I know this was a lot but I hope you can help. – My Husband’s Preference
Dear Ms. My Husband’s Preference,
Ma’am, if you are suffering from depression, and you feel it is postpartum depression, then why did you stop going to therapy? You said you were in therapy but stopped going after 4 weeks for no good reason. Why? You need serious help, and to stop going for no good reason is not a reason. You need to remain and continue in therapy to help you with your postpartum depression, especially after your fourth child, and moving to South Carolina. All of a sudden you became depressed after these major events.
Notice they are major events in your life. You moved your family from New York to South Carolina, and then had another child. Many women suffer from postpartum depression after having a child, and many seek therapy to help them through it. I strongly recommend you either go back to therapy, or, you find another therapist to help you. This is causing some serious issues in your marriage – such as your feelings of unattractiveness, and your obsession with your looks and your obsession with your husband’s ex-supervisor, whom he no longer works for. You stated that you are stalking this woman’s Facebook and Instagram page daily, and for what reason? Why are you constantly looking on her social media pages? What are you obsessing over?
Then, you are bringing up your husband’s previous infidelities. You are constantly asking him about your shape, your looks, and questions about your butt and his desires. You are insisting he confess to something that you have made up in your mind that he is doing, or looking to do, such as cheat, or him looking at other women and desiring them, and him not being sensitive to your needs. If you and he have moved on from his previous infidelity when he kissed his best friend’s girlfriend, and nothing sexual happened, yet, you keep bringing it up, then perhaps you have not gotten over it. You have not resolved that issue, and thus, you keep throwing it up and are now thinking he may cheat with his former supervisor, or he may attempt to sleep with one of your cousins because he has since told you that he likes their shape, and he has a preference for women with their types of figures. You pushed him into revealing this information. You pushed him by questioning him relentlessly, and now you’re mad when he gives you the answer you’ve been asking for.
He told you that he would be honest with you, and now you don’t like his honesty. What if he asked you what type of men you desired, or if you looked at other men, would you be honest and tell him, or would you simply say that you don’t desire nor look at other men? You have seen other men that you find attractive, but it doesn’t mean you want to sleep with them. You have seen men with great bodies, physiques, and probably larger penises than your husband, but you haven’t pursued them. You’re happy in your marriage. What I am saying is that we are all human and we all live in a world where we will see someone attractive, or someone with a nice figure, body, or looks, and though we may admire, or even acknowledge their looks and physique that is all it is. Your husband did not sleep or attempt to cheat with his supervisor, he simply looked at her and noticed her and kept it moving. He worked with her on a daily basis, for 3 weeks before he quit, he was bound to notice her body at some point. Was he supposed to work with blinders on and not even notice her, or any woman he comes in contact with?
I think if you got back into therapy, and invited your husband to attend some sessions, it will help you. Your move to South Carolina and other children you had when you moved has caused some traumatic experiences and they should be addressed. Then, you couple that with your insecurities regarding your looks and shape, and it truly makes you feel undesirable, miserable, sad, and unhappy.
I hope you know that you are okay, and nothing is wrong with you or your shape. Your husband is not sensitive to your needs, and he is confused as to what to do, or he simply feels inept at helping you. He’s answering your questions, and with each answer you feel even more hurt and betrayed by him. Get back into therapy. Find the help you need to deal with your postpartum, and make sure your husband is involved. You two have to work through this together, and you need to feel supported. You owe it to yourself, your children, and your marriage to get the help you need so that you can be healthy, and mentally and emotionally stronger. – Terrance Dean
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