I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years, and I have been best friends with his friend for three years. I met both of them at the same time.
So last year, the boyfriend and I broke up due to him completely ignoring me and always blowing me off to hang-out with his friends and smoke. He didn’t even talk to me anymore. We’re both in college and work, so when he hangs out with his friends I don’t mind, but I only see him once a week, and he began to take that one day I got to see him away from me.
When I would reach out and talk about it he would say I’m overreacting and wasn’t into fixing the problems at hand. I began talking to my best friend about it, (which I know is a red flag in relationship of telling your problems to other people). But, I needed advice on what I should do. He would give me good advice and in no way shape or form try to break up me and my boyfriend up or talk down or bad about him and my relationship. However, when in the midst of everything, my best friend confessed that he had been in love with me for the 3 years we’ve been best friends. I could see it because we are just alike and he get understands where I’m coming from. He gets my emotional side and taps into that. While my boyfriend is the complete opposite and gets more of my physical side rather than helping and relating to me emotionally. So, I broke up with my boyfriend after many failed attempts of reaching out and trying to fix our issues. He still wasn’t listening, so I ended it.
Meanwhile, me and best friend are trying to figure things out. I’m trying to fall in love with him just as much as he is already in love with me. But, it doesn’t click. My mind wants him, but my heart wants my ex-boyfriend. We ended up getting romantically physical one night and I ended by telling him that I like him, but I still also have feelings for my ex and I was confused. He says, “Okay. Well, I hope you choose me, but if you don’t we’ll still be friends.”
I end up choosing my ex-boyfriend and now my best friend won’t talk to me. I know he’s hurt, but so am I. I just lost my best friend, too. He feels like I lied to him, but I didn’t. I told them both that I was confused and didn’t know who I wanted to be with. My best friend has now blocked my number and un-friended me on all social media. I feel like I’m going crazy because I didn’t realized how emotionally attached I was to him after all these years and how much of my happiness I put in him. Now, all that happiness has left with him.
When do you think he’ll ever speak to me again? I know things won’t be the same, but I feel like some things on my part were left unsaid. I miss him so much, so much more than I did my boyfriend when we broke up. And, that’s the crazy part. Why am I going so crazy and losing my mind over someone I could develop proper feelings? – Moonchild
Dear Ms. Moonchild,
So, you were best friends with the friend of your boyfriend, though you’ve been with your boyfriend much longer. Hmmmm, never a good look. You don’t become best friends with your boyfriend’s friend/s.
And, rule number 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, you never ever go to your man’s friends to complain about your relationship, especially said “best friend.” Yeah, you sound young. Why are you confiding in him about your problems in the first place? Don’t you think he would go back and tell your man what you said? Or, was he listening, consoling, and conspiring all along to get you into his own bed?
See, this is the problem – the best friend was never your best friend. He was the friend in the wing waiting. Notice that the very moment trouble ensued between you and your man he was there to help you pick up the pieces. He was there to console you, providing comfort, and giving you a shoulder to cry on. Of course he wasn’t bad mouthing his friend because he was smart and knew better than to do that. He played his position, and when the moment presented itself, BAM! He tells you that he’s always been in love with you for the three years you’ve been friends. Ironic, don’t you think?
He’s not your best friend. And, he is not your man’s friend. He is the wing man who sits in the cut of all his friends, and plays the consoling, jovial, good time and hangout buddy who smiles and encourages and supports his friends, and their girlfriends. He’s the friend who appears to be nonchalant, cool, mellow, and an all around good guy. But, he is secretly plotting on how and when to make his move on his friend’s girls. Yes, he sizes all the women up, and he knows exactly what to say and do because when he’s with the boys, just chilling with the fellas, and they are complaining and talking about their relationships, meaning you, there he is taking it all in. So, he knows how your man really feels about you. He knows that it will only be a matter of time before the boyfriend has had enough, and the desperate girlfriend, again, meaning you, will be calling the “best friend,” to complain and cry about why her man is acting the way he is toward her. And, he listens to you cry. He listens to you and provides the emotional support you need. He gives you a shoulder to cry on. And, eventually, he welcomes you to his bed after he confesses his love to you.
This is the dude you have to watch and be very careful and leery over. He patiently waited for three years, acting as if he was your best friend, and always available for you. Oh, Ms. Honey, the lengths a man will go and the extent they will do it for some coochie. They are a patient hunter, and he patiently and diligently waited for his moment. All this time he was sitting on the side line watching, plotting, thinking, and sizing you up. He was playing both sides of the fence, and no one was the wiser to him. You all have fell for his con, and his game. Trust and believe, I am sure he has slept with other girls that his friends have broken up with, but, he will never tell you that. Of course he won’t reveal what he’s been doing for the past three years to you. He is not going to make himself out to be some player, some man-whore. He wants you to think of him as the solid stand-up guy who has been single for the past three years, who at some point may have liked one or two girls, but nothing ever materialized because he’s “always had eyes for you, and he’s been in love with you.” Whatever!
The only thing is that you truly felt he was your best friend. You truly felt he was someone you could call a friend. You’re hurt and upset because you were more invested in your friendship than he was. He became your support system, your go-to guy, and your emotional support system. And, now that he cut it off, you’re floundering and emotionally hurt, trying to figure out what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. You simply made a choice, and it was the best choice for you. Any friend would recognize that. If he was really your friend, he wouldn’t be acting the way he is, and he wouldn’t be salty about how things went down. Instead, he has cut you off, and now you are sitting here in your feelings wondering what happened. You’re questioning if you made the right choice, and decision. That fool got you shook. His ego is shattered because you shot him down. He’s hurt because you chose another man over him. You went back to your boyfriend and he can’t handle the fact that you chose your boyfriend over him. No true friend would act or do what he is doing, well, not unless he always had an ulterior motive, and he never was your friend from the beginning.
Take this as a lesson learned. Don’t ever become friends with your man’s friends. It’s not a good recipe. It is only a disaster waiting to happen. And, you never confide in your man’s friends about your relationship. NEVER! EVER! Why don’t you have a circle of sisters, really good sisters, whom you can confide in? You have to create a better network of spiritually sound people you can trust and be honest and frank with about your life and relationships. Not your man’s friends. No friend of your boyfriend is going to be sitting on the sideline, giving you advice and consoling you without some hidden agenda. The moment you are weak and vulnerable is the moment he will show and reveal himself.
Recognize that the guy you felt was your best friend was not really your friend. You can’t make yourself feel and love someone you don’t have feelings for. You tried, and made an attempt, but your heart was just not in it. Besides, you had just come out of a relationship. Your feelings and heart was still desiring for your boyfriend. You can’t just cut off or turn a switch on your feelings. That’s not how it works. Also, it was poor timing. If he was smart about it, he would have given you time, and once the relationship was officially over, and you were completely over your man, then he should have said something. But, it shows his poor jump man qualities. LOL! Also, and something I don’t recommend is two friends attempting to date each other. It complicates your relationship, especially when you attempt to take it from platonic to intimate, and then it ends. Not only do you lose your partner and lover, but you also lose your friend. You can never go back to being friends again. You don’t look at that person the same ever again. And, this is what happened between you and him. Your friendship will never go back to what it was. It will never be the way you want it to be. The dynamics have changed. He’s shown you who he is and he is embarrassed. All you can do is move forward, and hopefully one day in the future you and he will talk about it, and he may apologize, but he will never be your friend again. – Terrance Dean
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