I have been married to my husband for 9 years.
In 2012, he asked me to request his daughter through immigration to come live with us. She has been with us for 4 years now and I want to believe we have a pretty good relationship. However, her mother though is another story.
When my husband’s ex (they were never married) found out I was pregnant she called me to insult me, and bad mouthed my husband hoping that I would leave him telling me that she wished my unborn child would die. This was a horrible moment for her to do that because I was in a very dangerous pregnancy where I was bleeding and had a high chance of losing her. I let it go and just continued not speaking or acknowledging her existence.
I then found out that my husband and her were talking behind my back and sending each other naked pictures. He used to work the night shift and while he should’ve been sleeping in the day he was video chatting with her, amongst other things. His family makes me hide whenever she comes over their house to visit her daughter when we are visiting. I feel like she has a higher importance than me and I’m just the nanny caring for her child.
Now, my step-daughter will be graduating soon and I’m pretty sure her mom will want to be a part of it. I am also sure that my husband is going to want to help her pay for the visa needed to come here just to make his daughter happy. My question is, should I allow this to happen even after everything she has done and continues doing (because she continues to try to talk to him through different apps and not about their daughter)? Also, I’m pretty sure that my husband is going to tell her to stay in our home if she does come. This I will definitely not allow, but how do I say this without sounding like a b***h and my step-daughter hating me? – Frustrated Wife
Dear Ms. Frustrated Wife,
Your husband is not on your side. His family is not on your side. You do not have any support from anyone, and you are an outsider in your own marriage. One would think that you, the wife, would have priority. But, it appears that your husband’s ex is the wife and you are the mistress. I don’t understand why when she comes to their house to visit her daughter and you are there, then they are requiring you to hide like you’re some mistress, or side chick. What the hell?!?! You’re the wife. You have more say than she does. Oh, no, ma’am! Why are you being put in the closet, the other room, or tucked away? SMDH! I wish I might!
Look, you’ve been way to accommodating to your husband and this woman. You’ve helped to bring his daughter into the country through immigration so that she could live with you. You’ve caught him and her sending naked pictures to one another, and him staying up video chatting with her. Chile, that would have been the last time, and you should have put your foot down then. Why didn’t you nip all this in the bud? I bet there is a bigger plot at play, and you are too caught up to see it.
But, I want to make sure I understand something: You’ve been married for 9 years. In 2012, he asked you to help bring his daughter into the country. And, she’s been with you for four years. Hmmm, so, by my calculations, either she was born right before he met you, which would make her 9 years old when she came to live with you, and she is now 13 years old, which explains the graduation from middle school to high school. Or, she was either older than that, maybe 13 years old, and she is now 17 years old, and graduating high school. Or, hell, he cheated and the child is only 4 years old, and is graduating from elementary school. Either way, he is using you for something, and he’s not being honest about it.
So, here is my assessment of the situation. I believe that they still have something going on, and he used you for marriage to get his daughter into the country, or to get himself into the country and to become a U.S. citizen. And, I bet they had a plan of he and her coming into the country together, but, she was pregnant at the time, or the child was just born, so, he came first to set up shop and then would send for her and the baby. However, I don’t know if he is a U.S. citizen or not, but it appears he may not have been since he asked you to help get his daughter into the country through immigration. But, by marrying you and after all this time he is a citizen at this point.
Therefore, I feel he got caught up with you, things became serious, and he feels trapped in a situation between you and the other woman. That will explain why his family probably favors her over you. Hell, they got you hiding when she comes over. Obviously, there is something you’re not privy to. Yes, there is something shady going on, and you need to get to the bottom of it TODAY!
Now, that the daughter is graduating you think your husband is going to help pay for her Visa to come for the celebration, and to also stay at your house. Welp, nope, nope, and nope! I’m curious to know if the other times she has come to visit if he has helped to pay for her Visa. If so, then you are a damn fool!
Anyway, tell your husband that you are his wife. This is your home. This is not Air BnB, nor a hotel, or motel. You are not responsible for her arrangements, living accommodations, or putting her up. Don’t be sorry for it, and you don’t have to explain yourself to him. If he doesn’t understand it, then you need to rethink your marriage, because obviously he doesn’t understand how he should treat his wife. And, you need to have a conversation with your step-daughter and explain it to her. Her mother may be coming to visit, but she will not be staying in your home. She will be staying at a hotel, or someplace. Explain it to her so that she understands, and do not make it about hate, or anger. Be nice and gentle with your step-daughter.
Also, you let your husband know that he is not to pay for her Visa. Sorry, but, she better find the money from someplace, and find herself a hotel. But, she can’t stay in your home. However, I can bet any amount of money that he will probably sneak and send her the money. That’s just my hunch. But, let him know that she’s been rude, disrespectful, and ungrateful. Therefore, put your foot down and demand your respect and place in your home, and in your family, which you shouldn’t have to, but obviously he, nor, his family respects you. If you keep allowing them to treat you as if you’re some common side chick, and not the wife, then they will keep treating you as such.
You need to seriously have a conversation with your husband about his daughter living with you all moving forward, and his relationship with their mother. You have to create boundaries, and you have to make sure he understands that you are his wife, you come first, and your happiness is what matters. He is trying to make two women happy, which means he has something still going on with the mother, and especially since you know she is still trying to maintain some romance through various Apps. Stop pandering this situation, and speak up. Stop playing the background. Get yourself a backbone and stand up for yourself. If he can’t and doesn’t see the value of you, and your marriage then it may be time to rethink your marriage, and how to move forward. – Terrance Dean
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