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Dear Bossip,

So, I met a guy online on a dating site toward the end of November.

We chatted each day for awhile and the conversation was great, good conversation, and chemistry. After a week, I got the impression that maybe he lost some interest. He didn’t chat as much, so I backed off, answering messages less often, but he did still write.

That weekend I went out with a girlfriend and got drunk and called him. Ha ha. I didn’t even remember it. Funny, he messaged me the next day and we talked on the phone. I thought for sure he would be a creep only wanting one thing, blah blah. But, when I called him drunk, I guess I asked him to meet me that night and he didn’t (points for him), but I was leery because he asked me out for a drink. So, I thought he assumed maybe I was easy.

I have to say or first date was great! I was so embarrassed about my drunk call, but he said it showed I was fun and he liked my voice. Ha ha. He said he thought I had become disinterested as well in the beginning, so it seems we had misunderstandings on that. He said that his work projects got longer so that’s why his message volume slowed a bit.

We’ve gone on 7 dates and they have been great! We do live 45 minutes apart, but for 6 of the 7 dates he initiated the planning and we genuinely have a good time. We talk. We laugh. We play games (pool, darts, bowling), and we went to a comedy club one night. We also have only kissed, but they have been amazing. I get the sense he likes the art of seduction, maybe, and I respect that we are going slow. In between the dates, we usually text every day, quite a bit most days, and we try to talk on the phone once a week. We have not had any conversations about our dating status and that is ok. I will say I am not dating anyone else.

So, here is my concern. We went out two Saturday’s ago and it was great! He won the game of pool and for his win he said I could take him out to dinner, which is great, because he never lets me pay for anything. So, it’s a win for me, and obviously he wants to see me again. We texted, normally, Super Bowl Sunday, and the Monday after that. Then, on Tuesday, things changed. He barely texted, but he apologized that –ish got loaded on him, and he was mentally and physically fatigued. He is self employed as a contractor. So, I have been cool and cheery and told him I was sorry and if he wanted to talk I’m a good listener and sent a smiley (he has been quite the talker all along about things).

I didn’t hear from him at all Wednesday, which was so different from our normal chatter. He texted on Thursday apologizing for being kind of a d**k, but again, a lot of –ish was on him. I waited a bit and said he wasn’t being a d**k, and I thanked him for texting me and hoped things got better. He checked in Friday and Saturday, but nothing on Sunday, Valentine’s Day. I don’t really care about that holiday, but it did kind of stung that he didn’t even say hi, and I was bummed because I had no date, but I know he worked all 3 days.

So, come to today, and he texts me asking how I am doing and we text for a bit. He did tell me again that he was sorry for being M.I.A. and that he was striving to finish his current project by March 1st and that’s a very aggressive schedule. He, also, then asked me how I was and I told him I had a horrible migraine on Valentine’s Day. He said he was sorry to hear that and said he was glad he didn’t bug me that day. Ugh! Why would he think he bugs me? But, anyway, he does not come off as insecure. I told him that of course he doesn’t bug me (I have said this before) and I was a tad flirty when I answered his text, saying, “Hi handsome!”

So, I truly don’t think he is doing the slow fade. He seems very straightforward and blunt and too busy to string things along, but am I wrong? I can honestly say even though I am fretting right now, I have been cheery and chill when he does text me, and I haven’t initiated any texts of my own since that last Tuesday. He has been nothing but chivalrous, gentlemanly, and he has never cancelled a date (Even when one time he was sick and another time when his truck blew up. So, he found another car to drive, which was our last date btw).

What are your thoughts? I always hear a guy is never TOO busy, but I am still worried. He is checking in, asking how I am, apologizing, and genuinely seems swamped. I was tempted to funnily ask when will I get to cash in my bet that I won, but I wanted him to initiate that next date. Am I wrong about him? Also, the Monday before he got distant that Tuesday. We were texting as normal, being flirty, and said goodnight. Nothing weird has ever happened, no arguments have ever occurred. I am an over-analyzer, so I can’t figure out if I am making this worse than it is or if I am right about my worries? I would greatly appreciate your thoughts! – Seems Distant

Dear Ms. Seems Distant,

Well, maybe he is very busy, and he’s trying to meet a project deadline, so he doesn’t have the leisure time to hang out, and be as communicative as you like, especially if he is a self-employed contractor. His income is solely reliant upon him producing, and getting work done in a timely fashion. He works for himself. Therefore, he has to procure and produce, and everything is reliant upon him. He has no one else. He is his own boss, CEO, and supervisor. When a company or organization bids for him, then he has to work according to their schedule. He doesn’t have the normal 9 to 5 schedule, and he is probably working late hours, and well into the weekend. And, he’s been upfront with you about this. So, are you really upset or concerned that he missed calling you on Valentine’s Day, or that he hasn’t made any moves on you sexually? That’s what you really want to know.

You mentioned that Valentine’s Day is not a big holiday for you, yet, you are upset that he didn’t at least call or text to say, hi. If it’s not such a big holiday, then why be upset he didn’t communicate? You’re not his woman. You’re not his girlfriend. You’ve only been out on a few dates, and you two have not established anything between you two. You mentioned that you are not seeing anyone else, but have you inquired or asked him if he is seeing anyone else? Don’t assume that because you are not seeing anyone else that he isn’t. If you want to know, then ask him. He may be seeing other women, or dating other women. You’ll be surprised what you assume when you think you’re the only woman in a man’s life. Besides, he may have been out with another woman on Valentine’s Day. Did you ask him?

Second, if you really wanted to hear from on Valentine’s Day, then why didn’t you reach out to him and see if he had plans? You were leaving it up to him to take the initiative and reach out to you. And, you make mention of this in your letter regarding your desire for him to set up your next date. You want him to take the initiative and ask you out. You have these expectations of him, which he has no clue about, and you want him to do these things that you have set up in your head. So, when he doesn’t perform or live up to your expectations, then he is a failure. He is not living up to your wishes or wants. You expect him to maintain communication with you, texting on a daily basis, and calling at least one a week. You expect him to set up dates, plans, and invite you out. You expect him to do this and to do that. Yet, he doesn’t know you have these expectations of him, and what you want from him. It’s all in your head. And, many of you women do this with men in creating these expectations, and desires you want men to do without telling them. And, when they fail to meet your expectations, you get upset, mad, and disappointed because he is not doing what you think he should be doing.

Look, get out of your head. Let go of your expectations of what you think he should be doing. You and he are only dating. You are not a couple. You are not his woman, and he is not your man. You haven’t even clearly defined what you’re doing, and what you want from one another. I am sure that in his head, you and he are only getting to know one another, going out, and having fun. In your head, you feel that you are dating with the expectation that it leads to a relationship, and thus, you want him to perform and behave like a man who is looking for a woman, a girlfriend, and a wife. I’m sure that if have a conversation with him you will come to realize that you two have two different expectations, or that you two are doing two different things at this moment.

And, if a man is going M.I.A. without texts or calls, then either he is really busy, he has a lot on his plate, or he is entertaining other women. You are not maintaining his attention. He is not sitting at home waiting on you. He is out doing something and he is not waiting at home trying to figure out if he should call or text you. Trust!

I recommend that you get some clarity from him on what he is looking for. Ask him if he is interested in something more, and if he is looking for a girlfriend, or potential wife. Ask him if he is only looking to date and have fun. You can’t expect him to do what you want him to do if you don’t know what he is looking for, and if you two are not on the same page. You’ve gone out several times. You should at least know if you both are either looking for a relationship, or if you’re just having fun.

And, you have to decide if you want to just date and have fun. Loosen up and don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You’re sitting around waiting on him to make his moves and plan everything. Why are you betting everything on him? Why not date and go out with other guys? If he is not giving you all the attention you want, then, why not date and have fun with other men? No one is saying you have to have sex with them. Go out. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Date. He may be a perfect gentleman, but if he is too busy for you, and he is not as aggressive as you would like, or he is not as attentive, then stop waiting on him and go have some fun.

Also, you don’t have to wait on him to take the initiative to ask you out, or to call and plan the dates. Maybe you call him and ask him out. Maybe, because you know he’s busy, and he has a lot on his plate, then you switch it up and do something a little different. All of your dates do not have to be about going out. If you’re interested in him, and want to have fun or do something, then why not take the initiative and ask him out. Or, plan an indoor date where you cook for him, or cook at his home and have a movie night at home. I’m sure he would appreciate you cooking for him, or you two cooking together, and having a fun night at home instead of going out. Or, maybe plan a weekend picnic, a museum date, wine tasting, or getting tickets to a sporting event.

Ma’am, stop waiting on him. Stop sitting at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to call, text, and invite you out. Call him and ask him what’s going on. Ask him what he is looking for. See if you two are on the same page. Ask if he is seeing other women, and dating other women. If he is looking to simply date and have fun, then you know where you stand. And, you get yourself back out there and date and have you some fun.  He is not the end all and be all. If he isn’t giving you the attention you want and need, then move on. Stop fretting and worrying. And, stop trying to make him the one if he is not. Many of you women keep trying to make some of these men the one when they clearly are not. Now, get out, have fun, and date. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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