Me and my husband were high school sweethearts and have been married for almost 5 years.
When we first started dating I was really close to his mom, she was like a second mom to me. But, the minute I graduated high school and went on college she suddenly shunned me. I wasn’t allowed at her house anymore. She constantly stayed in my then boyfriend’s ear trying to break us up. She would never talk to me when I tried to ask why she hated me. So, my boyfriend asked and her answer was that she felt like I was stuck up and thought I was better than him because I decided to go away to college and he didn’t. If that was truly how I felt then I would have dumped him when he informed that he wasn’t going to college so I was confused.
My family and friends told me to just ignore her because I was with her son and not her. Fast forward 4 years. I graduated and my boyfriend proposed to me. His mother blew a gasket and told him that she didn’t want a stuck up heffa in her family as her daughter-in-law. After we got married I went to law school and got a good job after graduating. However, his mom only got worse towards me. Now, she is having health problems and none of her other children want to move her in with them so my husband wants her at our house. I made it clear that I love this man, regardless of the fact that he didn’t go to college. When I decided to marry him I realized college isn’t for anyone so I don’t know where his mom is getting this from.
We are comfortable in life because we have both have good jobs, regardless of his education level. So, I’m happy. I told him that I would be uncomfortable because of how she acts towards me, but I don’t want to put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between his wife and mother. – His Mother Hates Me
Dear Ms. His Mother Hates Me,
That is really bizarre that his mother would change her tune about you, especially since you were going to college to better yourself, and to continue your education. That is something to be celebrated. Why would she think you were stuck up and better than her son? Obviously, she doesn’t think too highly of her son if she thinks or feels he doesn’t deserve a good, intelligent, smart, and educated woman. And, it’s telling about how she feels about you, and herself. Maybe she doesn’t feel women should attend college, or that they shouldn’t better themselves or outgrow their life situation and circumstances. Maybe because she doesn’t have an advanced degree, or regrets not furthering her education and she is projecting onto you her own regrets and unhappiness. Or, maybe she has a relative, or female friends, or she knows other women who advanced themselves through education, and because they outgrew her she resented them and she felt they became stuck up after receiving their degrees. Who knows her reasoning, but it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And, you don’t owe her anything.
Therefore, in regards to her current health situation and your husband wanting to move her in with you and he, then, I recommend two things: 1.) If she has a home, then sell it, and get her an apartment close to where you live. 2.) Find a senior living residence in your area.
With the first option, you can sell her home, and this will help with finances and bills that she will accumulate for her hospital and doctor visits, and prescriptions, especially if she doesn’t have insurance, or has minimal insurance. Also, getting her an apartment close will allow her to be close enough for your husband to get to her, visit, and check in on her. Also, you can get a health home attendant to take care of her. I understand your husband wanting to move his mother in with you all, but you’re not doctors, nurses, or health home attendants. She will need attentive care, especially if she is having serious health problems. And, because the two of you work, neither of you can stay home and take care of her during the day, so she will be alone in the home. In her own apartment she will have a home health attendant/nurse who can be with her throughout the day, make sure she attends her doctor’s appointments, and that she is taking her medicine.
The second option, this too helps with her being in a residence with other seniors, and health attendants who are on duty, or call, to help in case of emergencies. She still has her own apartment in a senior living residence, and she has the flexibility to engage with other seniors and build a community of friends and relationships. Your husband can still visit and check in on her.
Either of these options will help you and your husband. His mother will be close enough where he can get to her, and she can still come over to your home for visits. Also, she will be able to get the care that she needs, and the attention from a home nurse who can be more attentive than you and your husband. I understand his desire to bring his mother into your home to take care of her, but if his mother refuses to speak to you, doesn’t like you, and treats you horribly, then he can’t force you two to live together under the same roof. Yes, you can be the bigger woman, ignore her, and welcome her with open arms. Yes, you can continue to reach out to her, smile, be patient, loving, caring, and understanding to your husband’s mother. But, to what extent do you create boundaries? To what extent do you stop letting people mistreat you, and being mean to you? What will happen when she moves in and continues to not speak to you, and treats you horribly? Who does she think is going to care for her, cook for her, wash her clothes, clean up behind her, and help with her bills and expenses? I’m sure she can’t possibly think her son is going to do all this by himself. Her karma is coming back to her, and the very person she needs to rely on is her son’s wife, the woman she has been mean toward and refusing to speak to, then, there is bigger lesson for her, and unfortunately she may not get it.
Talk with your husband and let him know how you feel, and offer the options. Talk through this with him and come up with some other possibilities of how he can care for his mother without her being in your home. Why bring tension, drama, and added stress into your home? It’s obvious that you and your husband’s mother do not have a relationship, and she is not interested in mending her relationship with you, or resolving her own issues. Therefore, keep your home peaceful, and happy, and she is more than welcome to visit, but she can have her own place where she can return and be happy in her own home. And, your husband can arrange for a home health aide attendant, or nurse, to be on duty to help her around the house, and to get to her doctor appointments. – Terrance Dean
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