Dear Bossip: I Have A Girl Crush On A Co-Worker & I Want To Explore My Feelings

Dear Bossip,

There is a woman at my job who I’ve found myself to be attracted to, like REALLY attracted.

It seemed to come out of nowhere. I am really nervous around her and can’t even be my funny and charming self when she’s close. I have a very easy going relationship with all of my other colleagues and am usually the one making all the jokes, but I lose my cool with her. On the flip side of that, I see her being very social with everyone around her, but she seems to be very reserved with me. Whenever we pass each other in the hall and we accidentally make eye contact, we break it immediately. There have been a few weird moments between us that make me think she may be nervous around me as well.

One time, I went into her office to ask her something and while I was talking, she sat on her hands. I kind of took that as a sign of nervousness (I could be wrong). The kicker is that we are both women. I’ve never been attracted to another girl before so this has really got me confused. Also, she has a boyfriend and so do I. The attraction I have for her is very strong and I really want to know if she is feeling something as well or acting a little shy around me because she just isn’t paying me any mind at all.

I’ve invited her out with a few of the other ladies on two occasions. The first time fell apart all the way around, and the second time she couldn’t come because she had an event after work. I decided to not press the issue after that. Surprisingly, just a few weeks ago she stopped me in the hall to say that we should try to schedule a happy hour again. She, a few other co-workers, and myself ended up hanging out. The interaction between us was comfortable and we had a great time, but keep in mind there were cocktails. Since then we have exchanged numbers and had a few short text conversations. Things are still a bit awkward in person.  I just don’t know. This is all new to me and I would appreciate any advice. – Girl Crush

Dear Ms. Girl Crush,

First, do not –ish where you sleep and work. Office romances, relationships, and sleeping with co-workers is a big NO-NO! Don’t do it. Don’t get involved with someone you work with, and, nor do you get involved with someone you have to see every day in the workplace. It is a disaster waiting to happen. Answer these questions: What happens when things fall apart? What happens when the relationship ends? What happens when one or both of you become upset, angry, and mad with the other person? How will you engage or interact in the office place when you come across them or see them? What happens when other co-workers become suspicious, or they find out what’s going on? And, what happens when harassment begins, or they begin to tell all your business like what you do in the bedroom, and how you like it done. What happens when they start telling bedside secrets? This is off limits. Stop! Do not proceed. Stay away!

Office romances more than likely always end in epic failures because regardless of how you think things may turn out, or how you wish they will turn into a life full of bliss, they never end well. I urge you to not proceed, do not engage, and do not get involved with her.

Second, you’re both already in relationships, and you’re both in relationships with men. So, please explain to me how you are going to proceed with an affair, and think you won’t get caught, or caught up? Cheating is cheating. So, because you have some feelings for a co-worker, and you want to explore these newfound desires that you have for the same sex you’re willing to risk it all and your relationship. Look, if you’re not happy in your relationship, then leave. Why cheat? What is the purpose of stepping out on your partner? If he is not giving you what you want, or making you feel how you want to feel, then communicate with him and let him know what’s going on. How would you feel if your man was cheating on you? Your panties would be all in a bunch, and you would be accusing him of being a dog, and trifling. And, let’s imagine if he was cheating with a man. How would you feel? How would you handle it? And, please don’t say, “Well, it’s different. I’m cheating with a woman, and men love the fantasy of two women being together. Besides, it’s different when a man cheats with another man.” No, sweetie. If you are having feelings for another woman and thinking of sleeping with her, then you are either bi-sexual, or gay. And, it’s no different if a man was sleeping with another man, or, if this was his first time having feelings for another man and decided to act upon them. If you want to explore same-sex relations, or relationships, then perhaps you need to ask yourself what are these desires, and why do you have them? Why are they manifesting with this woman? Research, talk with a certified specialist, or someone who specializes with same-sex identity.

Lastly, you’re not even sure she has the same feelings as you do. You’re not sure if your co-worker likes women. What happens if you decide to ask her out, or pursue her and she tells you that she is not into women, and that she is not interested in you? Then, what are you going to do? You are playing a dangerous game. This whole thing can fall apart and you will be out there looking dumb if this woman doesn’t have the same type of feelings you have. Hell, she may suspect that you are gay or bisexual and she may be curious to know about your business and who else you slept with at the job. You are sitting up here reading this woman’s interactions with you and claiming that she may possibly feel the same as you. Well, what if she is just nervous to be around you? What if you make her feel uncomfortable? Notice the only time you are together is in a group. She hasn’t initiated being alone with you. She hasn’t asked you out, or to go to lunch or dinner with her. I swear some of you act like you’re 13 years old and thinking someone likes you, and you all are playing these games trying to figure out. Are you going to pass her a note asking her to check the box if she likes you. You’re going to send one of your friends over to her and ask her if she likes you. Girl, please have a seat. All I’m saying is that you leave her alone, let this crush pass, and focus on you and your relationship. If you need to explore you sexuality and same-sex desires, then I recommend you don’t try it out with a co-worker, and that you end your relationship with your boyfriend and figure out what it is you want, need, and desire. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!