Dear Bossip: He Dated A Married Woman & Now She Is Playing On My Phone

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman really upset

Dear Bossip,

I need a bit of advice. You see I have been in a relationship for over a year and I feel a really strong connection.

My boyfriend and I spend every day together and have been talking about moving in together. He comes over straight after work and only goes to his place to do laundry. He even helps pay my bills so it makes sense.

There is this issue. Someone was playing on my phone, calling anonymously and hanging up. I finally installed an app and was able to figure out who the prankster was. It was this married woman who my boyfriend used to have relations with. She was married the whole time and after a few years she divorced her husband. Then, my current boyfriend moved in with her and her kids. He said he got scared and left her. Then she re-married her husband.

So, I did my research and found out who her husband is where they lived and much more. So, what I am curious about is if I should contact her husband and tell him about his wife. I will admit that I just want her to go away. Part of me thinks it’s not my business, but there is a selfish part that wants to expose the truth.  So do I tell or nah? – A Fire Hot Mess

Dear Ms. A Fire Hot Mess,

Well, for one it’s not your business, and it has nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend brought this drama with him, and he is the one who needs to clean it up. It is not your place or your role to confront this woman and get involved in something he should have cleaned up before he got into another relationship. You should let him know what’s been going on, and tell him that he needs to put her in check, tell her to stop harassing you, and let her know that whatever she thinks or feels about them getting back together or rekindling what that they had, well, it is over. There is no relationship. No rekindling of a flame, or getting back together. They are done. Over. Finished. And, she needs to move on, or he will tell her husband.

If that doesn’t work, then your boyfriend should confront his ex’s husband if she continues interfering into your relationship. He should step to him man to man and let him know what his wife has been up to. He has got to be the one to end this once and for all. Don’t allow your boyfriend to be off the hook and leave this up to you to handle. Again, this is not your problem, and you shouldn’t be confronting another woman over a man. That is silly and immature. And, yes, she is childish for calling and playing on your phone. She obviously thinks this is a game. Don’t entertain her or get caught up in her games. She wants attention. She wants to talk to you and hear the new woman’s voice. She wants you to stoop to her level. Don’t!

But, I’m curious as to how she got your number, and how does she know about you. Did he tell her about you? Have they been communicating and you just don’t know about it? Is she also stalking him and calling him and he hasn’t told you about it? If she is calling your phone, then, I am sure they are still in communication with one another, and he is not as innocent as you think he may be. She had to learn about you either from him, or she is stalking the both of you. And, if she is bold enough to call you, then I am for certain she is calling him and they have spoken. On another note, you mentioned that he comes to your  home straight from work, well, just because he may spend all his personal time with you, there are still the hours he is at work, and when he goes to his house to do his laundry. So, he has the means, time, and opportunity to meet up with her, or to talk with her on the phone. By the way, why isn’t he doing his laundry at your place since he is at your home so often? Why is he going home to do his laundry? Do you not have a washing machine and dryer?

Anyway, I’m going to let you marinate on that while I move on. So, even though I know you won’t take into consideration my recommendation, I am concerned that you are going to do what you want to do. You want to confront her. You want to tell her husband. You want to put her on blast because in your head you have the perfect relationship, and a great man who comes home every night, and you and he are always together. But, in reality it does bother you because you know that he is not perfect. He is flawed. Ma’am, your boyfriend was involved in a relationship with a married woman, and he lived with her and her children. Sweetie, he is not so innocent. He was just as guilty and responsible for that relationship as she was for cheating on her husband. It takes two people to cheat, and your boyfriend was complicit. He needs to own his part of what he did. Now, you can confront her when she calls and you can tell her to stop playing on your phone. You can let her know that whatever she needs to say or wants to know then she should take it up with your boyfriend because calling you is not going to resolve anything. You can remind her that she is a married woman, and she needs to work on her marriage. You can also tell her that if she doesn’t stop playing on your phone and calling you, then you will let her husband know because you know who he is and where they live. So, doing all of this and confronting her what do you expect will happen? Please tell me what is putting her on blast going to resolve? It will not stop her from pursuing her ex, your man, because it’s obvious that she doesn’t care. Whatever issues she and her husband had, well, they have resurfaced if she is snooping around your man. And, her husband took her back and they remarried, so it’s obvious he is oblivious. Therefore, girl, have your man handle all this. He needs to resolve this relationship with his ex, end it once and for all, and you need to check him and find out what’s really going on between them. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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