Bossip Video

Black woman embarrassed 1

Dear Bossip,

Am I wrong? I sit here clustered and confused about what to do about my situation.

I am currently in a 3 year relationship. Like every other relationship we have our ups and downs, but I must say honestly the good overshadows the bad. Both my boyfriend and I work, and we both make a decent amount to handle our bills individually. We are both very financially independent. I must admit when my boyfriend and I began dating I was doing freelance work and traveling. I grew tired of always having to find work so he found me a job at home which I am at still presently. He finds the need to throw this in my face often. Which I do not appreciate, and I tell him, “Yes, you helped me to find the job, but you’re not the reason I’m still there. It’s my work ethic that still has me employed.” But, he feels as if I owe him something.

We both have our own cars, and to be honest I have no major bills except putting gas in my vehicle, paying my life insurance and paying my college tuition. Therefore, this year I had budgeted to go on a family cruise which I will be attending next month. I am a woman that budgets her finances properly.

So, here’s my problem. My boyfriend and I got in a verbal argument (that resulted in physical abuse) during the month of May. He took my cell phone (which I brought, since previously he would always request the cell phone he brought me back after any petty argument), and I told him to give it back to me. He refused, so I got his phone and put it in the toilet (immature I know). After this, he still refused to give me my phone so I went to take it from him. He then proceeded to slap me. This slap resulted in my ear drum becoming ruptured.

I literally had to spend roughly $700 for my surgery, and this is excluding lab tests and a hearing test that I had to take prior to the surgery. It’s this low because I have health insurance and the insurance covers majority of the bill. But, every time I visit my doctor I have a co-pay fee of $43. I’ve been paying this co-pay alone each visit since May. My boyfriend never offers to pay for this expense that he has me in, because he says it’s my fault I should be responsible and pay my bill.

But, my point is I wouldn’t be in this bill if this man was not insecure. He feels as though he doesn’t have to help me with my doctor’s visit and this is totally messing up my budget.

Am I wrong for expecting him to want to help because he damaged my ear? Or, should I just continue to do this independently and on my own. I’m confused please help me. – Won’t Compensate

Dear Ms. Won’t Compensate,

Wait, what? Your boyfriend slapped you hard enough to rupture your eardrum, and your only concern is whether or not he should be helping you with the $43 co-pay after you had to have surgery? Ma’am, your boyfriend slapped the dog –ish out of you, ruptured your eardrum, and you had to undergo surgery to fix this. Why are you still in a relationship with him? Why is he still in your life?

I truly don’t understand this. I don’t get it. Then, you had the audacity to preface your letter by saying the good in your relationship overshadows the bad. Uhm, please explain to me what can possibly overshadow the fact that he slapped you, and then ruptured your eardrum. What overshadows this? What excuse do you have or how can you explain that your boyfriend put his hands on you? I don’t care if you put his phone in the toilet. I don’t care if you and he were arguing and you were reaching to get your phone from him. Please explain to me what constitutes his behavior of putting his hands on you? What legitimates his reasoning for slapping you so hard that he burst your eardrum?

Please get out of this relationship. You are being abused and you can’t even recognize that you are abused. He put his hands on you. Then, when you asked him to contribute to your co-pay for your doctor’s visit he tells you that it is your fault that you are in this predicament and that you incurred this bill, thus, you need to be responsible and pay your own bill. WOW! He refuses to acknowledge his complicity in this, and how he is responsible for what happened to you. He will not even own up to his part, and admit that it is because he hit you that you had to have surgery and visit the doctor for post-care. He is telling you that if you had not done what you did to him, then he would not have responded by slapping you and bursting your eardrum. He is an a**hole, an abuser, and narcissist.

Then, he throws it up in your face that he got you your at-home freelance job, and attempts to make you constantly thank him for helping you. He feels that you owe him, and he is your savior. Hell, when he bought you a cell phone and whenever you and he got into an argument he would take your phone, the phone he brought you, as some type of punishment. You are not 13 years old. Girl, this fool wants control over you. He wants to dominate you. And, you have allowed him to do so.

Ma’am, if you can’t see what has been happening for the past 3 years, and if you are going to allow him to justify the physical assault, then there is nothing I can tell you. Your main concern is whether or not he is going to “assist” or “go half” on your $43 co-pay because it is an unexpected expense that is cutting into your savings for your trip. You don’t care that he busted your eardrum. It doesn’t upset you that he physically assaulted you. And, you are not even mad that you had to shell out $700 on a surgery in which he is the cause. If you allow this treatment from him, and you tolerate his behavior without any repercussions, then he is going to beat you senseless the next time. He is going to do more than burst your eardrum. Take precaution. End this relationship. Get out. Save yourself. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. He doesn’t care about you. No man who puts his hands on his woman, or any woman can honestly say that he loves, and respects women. Your man is no exception. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Hiding In Hip Hop   Visible Lives


Bossip Comment Policy
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.