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Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

Here’s my situation – I started seeing this guy that works in my building. I just broke up with my ex due to cheating, and he (the new guy) is going through something similar, so he says.

His wife cheated on him numerous times with a co-worker. I believe him because he went into detail about how he caught her and how he wants a divorce and she won’t sign, blah blah blah.  Well, after talking with him and going on a few dates we slept together and it was great. Then, he started being distant. He used to text me every morning and when we would make plans he cancels with some last minute notice, not always but mostly.

So, I asked him, “Are you interested in someone else, or in getting back with your wife?” They are legally separated, and I wanted to know because I’m not mistress material. And, he got mad and said I’m accusing him and I should just ask, which I thought I was doing. He said he is friendly with other females in our building.

I know I shouldn’t sh*t where I eat, but it was something about him. He was a gentleman. He didn’t ask for sex right off. And, he kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before. I really like him and he says he likes me and that he wants more, but his actions don’t show it. I have started to let him go. What should I do?  Is he a hoe or did this woman, his wife, mess him up to the point that he’s like “F” every broad?

I’ve asked friends for advice and they said maybe the cookie was too good to him and he wasn’t expecting that. He has told me the sex is amazing, but he’s a guy how many so how many times has he said that is what I’m thinking. I’m too grown for this, and I’m new to dating after 7 years of being with one person. I’m 32 years old. I don’t want my insecurity to block a good man that God will send by thinking the worst. – Unsure and Getting Over Heart Break

Dear Ms. Unsure and Getting Over Heart Break,

You’re 32 years old, but you sound and act like your 13 years old. If you know that you shouldn’t –ish where you eat, then why are you trying to pursue a romantic relationship with a co-worker? Here we go again with this –ish. Office romances never work. They are disasters waiting to happen. It will never become what you want it to be. Do not sleep with co-workers. NEVER!

And, Ms. Honey, why are you sleeping with a married man? Yes, he is legally separated, and he may not be with his wife. However, he is still married. So, sweetie, he is someone else’s husband. He is still married. You claim you don’t want to be someone’s mistress, well, I hate to break it to you, but you are a mistress. That is what women like you become when you sleep with a married man. I’m certain his wife, family, or friends do not know about you. And, I’m sure that when you and he went out on dates it was in the evening, and not in the day. Also, you had sex at your home and not his. So, therefore, you are a mistress.

And, you throw in that last line of your letter talking about, “I don’t want my insecurity to block a good man that God will send by thinking the worst.” Girl, God has nothing to do with this. And, God is not going to send you someone else’s husband. God will not send you a man that is tied to someone else. God will not send you a man who is unsure, indecisive, and uncertain. Please leave God of this. Your lust and sexual desires is what got you into this mess with a married man. Your immaturity in dating and relations with men is what have you sleeping with a co-worker, and you know better than to sleep with someone you work with. You are doing this on your own recognizance.

Now, you are confused about his intentions after you have slept with him and you claim he has become distant, and he cancels his plans with you. Uhm, ma’am, when you met him he was going through a divorce from his wife. Which means, he was in a bad place mentally, and emotionally. Why would you want to date or be with someone who is going through a bad break-up? That is the worse time to pursue a relationship with someone. Their head is not in the right space or place. They are not thinking about you, their head and heart is still with the one they are ending the relationship with. They need time to heal and to move on. And, I don’t believe that he being distant. I feel that for him you were just something to do to fill the time. He is still trying to figure out what he wants and what he needs to do with his life now. He should have been honest and upfront with you about his intentions, and that he is not interested in a long-term relationship at this time. He should have told you the truth that he is in the middle of a divorce, so the last thing he can do is to commit to someone else at this time. So, the sex he had with you was nothing but break-up and rebound sex. You were the rebound woman for him to start moving on and to get over his wife. He will have lots of rebound sex with lots of women because that is probably his coping mechanism, as it is for many men and women after a break-up. They have lots of sex to get over the one who broke their heart.

And, besides, you are wanting a lot considering you only went out on a few dates, and you slept together once. Did you think that you and he were in a relationship? Or, were you and he clear that you were getting to know one another, and it was nothing serious and you were having fun? I hope you didn’t think that a serious relationship was going to come of this. You should keep your options open and see other people. This is going nowhere. Also, notice that instead of getting a divorce they are legally separated. He says his wife cheated, and she won’t sign the papers. Hmmm, so, what happened to the divorce? This is a tricky situation, and I’m sure they are still in communication, and if his wife doesn’t want to sign the papers for divorce, then they are working things out. He is wondering what he should do, and how to proceed. His head and heart is still with her, and this legal separation gives him carte blanche to explore, have sex with other woman, and do him for the time being. Don’t get invested in him.

You are wasting your time with him. He is never going to give you what you want or give you what you need. He can’t. He’s someone else’s husband. Also, he is not upfront with you, and he is not being honest about what he wants from you. I don’t think he wants a relationship or serious commitment at this time. He can’t give himself to someone at this time, especially his heart and head. Save yourself the time and investment. He is not your man, your future man, or potential husband. Invest more into yourself and learning the difference between what is for you and what you lust and desire for. Your lusts and desires will always get you into trouble, and it will have you doing –ish like trying to date a co-worker who is married, and you don’t understand why he won’t commit to you, or if he is playing you. – Terrance Dean

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