Dear Bossip: He Cheats Because He Can't Trust Me After I Didn't Tell Him The Truth

Dear Bossip,

I have been in a relationship with my child’s father for a little over two years now.

In the beginning everything was wonderful and I was so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life after being single for about four years. I have known him since high school, but after freshmen year he moved and started going to another school, and we lost contact. Junior year he was arrested and spent three years in jail. About four months before he was released we started writing back and forth. Right after his release we started talking about being in a relationship, but I didn’t want to rush into anything. I moved into a new place and he moved in with me after about a month of me living there and we weren’t in a relationship. He was in a really bad living situation so I let him move in with me.

At the time, I was really good friends with my ex. We would text and he would come over and chill from time to time. Well, about two weeks into moving in to my new place I had sex with him twice. I didn’t tell my child’s father because I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. Yes, he was living with me at the time, but we both knew we weren’t in a relationship, and I knew he was talking to other females.

Once we decided to make things official, I told my ex right way and he was honestly happy for me and said he understood if he couldn’t come over and chill, or text anymore. While getting to know each other better, in the beginning of our relationship, my child’s father would ask me questions, like how many guys I had sex with, why I did it, who did I used to chill with, and other questions about my past. When he first started to ask I lied because when I was a teen I did some things I wasn’t really proud of, and I wasn’t ready to tell him about them. Plus, I felt like my past and what I had done before we got together wasn’t that important.

After about nine months of us dating I finally told him the truth about everything, even about me having sex with my ex when he had first moved with me. He would ask me so much I felt that had to tell him realizing it was really important to him that he knows. I never asked him about any girls he had been with before us because it honestly wasn’t that important to me. When I told him everything he got upset and told me I was a liar and I should have told him when he first asked because now he doesn’t trust me. I explained to him I didn’t tell him because I was ashamed of the things I had done and I never told anyone.

We decided to try and work things out and I promised him I would do whatever it took to prove to him that he could trust me. Well, about six months later I found out that I was pregnant. A week later he told me he cheated on me and had unprotected sex twice with someone who lived down the street from us before he knew I was pregnant. I was extremely hurt and heartbroken. I then found out that she was claiming to be pregnant as well, which later turned out to not be true. He promised that he would never hurt me like that again, but said he only did it because he can’t trust me because I lied about my past when he first asked me. I forgave him and decided to try and move on. Plus, I did feel like it was my fault.

Four months later I discovered he was talking to another girl and he was going to see her two or three times a week. He says he was only using her for her money because we were struggling. He hasn’t been working for the past couple of months, leaving me to pay all the bills and picking up extra hours while being very pregnant. He claims to have never had sex with this girl, but I definitely don’t believe that. He was talking to this girl for three months before I found out and two more months when I did know. I let him know I wasn’t ok with it, but once again he said that he wouldn’t have done it if I wouldn’t have lied about my past, saying that he couldn’t trust me. He eventually cut her off and I once again forgave him because we are having a child together and we do love each other.

Two months after this happened he told me that he couldn’t be with me because he couldn’t trust me. Once again telling me that he couldn’t trust anything I tell him because I didn’t tell him all about my past when we first started dating. I’m so hurt because I forgave him when he messed up out of the love that I have for him and me knowing he’s better then the choices he made.  So, why can’t he do the same for me when all I do is work and try my best to show him he can trust me? I made a mistake at the start about things I did before we got together, and he had mistakes while I was pregnant and together for two years, so why can’t he forgive me? Please help me. I’m so hurt and confused. Is this all my fault? Did I have it coming from the beginning? – Ms. Heartbroken and Confused 

Dear Ms. Heartbroken and Confused,

Girl, he’s talking about he doesn’t trust. Hell, you can’t trust him! And, you keep taking him back each time he lies and cheats because you think you’re in love and have to prove your loyalty to him. Honey, you can’t possibly think this is okay, or that you owe him something. You can’t. If you do, then something is very very very wrong with you.

Never, ever, try to prove yourself and prove your love to a man. NEVER! You don’t have anything to prove. He is blaming you for all his cheating behavior talking about he wouldn’t have done what he did if you would have been honest from the beginning. That is a MF’ing lie! He is a cheater. He is a liar. He is not honest. His behavior and his cheating have nothing to do with you and what you didn’t tell him. He is using that as an excuse. Don’t believe him or anything he says. He is manipulating you and pulling a guilt trip on you. He ain’t doing nothing but running game on you and you are falling for it. Bless your heart.

He is sexist. He is misogynistic. He has double-standards. He is a womanizer. It’s okay for him to run around and screw all these women while he is supposed to be in a committed relationship with you, and you had his child. But, he is mad and upset with you because you were not honest about the guys you had sex with prior to being in a committed relationship with him. That sounds dumb and absurd. What you did before him and who you did it with before you met him has nothing to do with him. Yet, he is running around and giving his dirty d**k to all these other women and blaming you for his infidelities. He’s an a**hole. He’s a jerk and dirty dog. He’s scum. He’s a bum. Hell, he doesn’t even work and contribute to the household. He’s not a man, he’s a boy. He is laying up in your house because he had nowhere else to go. You gave him a place to lay his dirty crusty ass, and you fed him. His ungrateful ass is running around and being disrespectful to you, and you let him. Girl, you got the game all twisted.

Put his ass out of your house. He ain’t giving you nothing. He doesn’t have any money. He isn’t faithful. He doesn’t contribute to the household in any capacity. What good is he to you? What use is he? He doesn’t love you. He can’t. He doesn’t even love himself, so how can he love anyone else.

But, I’m going to break this down and be real honest and frank with you about your so-called boyfriend. The only reason he reconnected with you while he was in jail is because he was looking for a woman, some girl, to shack up with when he got released. He didn’t have any place to go upon his pending release, and in order to be released, especially if you’re going to be released on parole or probation then you must have an address and a residence to live in order to be released. He found himself in a bind because his momma didn’t want him there, and his other family members told him, “Hell, naw, you can’t stay here.” So, he was on the phones, and he was writing all the girls he had come across. You were the one who responded and you were the one who was willing to give him a place to live, as you stated in your letter. Oh, the place he was living for a month was probably with a cousin or some friend, and they grew tired of him and his antics and put him out. And, you became superwoman and let him move in with you. Bad choice and bad decision.

Then, when you let him move in, you allowed him to do so with no commitment. He had a place to live for free. You were having sex with him. And, he could come and go as he pleased because you both agreed that you were not in a relationship, so he was already out screwing other women while you were screwing your ex. And, you knew he was having sex with other women, yet, you let him lay up in your house, and didn’t require anything from him. He didn’t move in with you because he loved you, or even liked you. You were a convenience for him. You were an opportunity, and you mistook his need for a place to live, and his need for an opportunity as him liking you and wanting to be with you. He led you to believe something that wasn’t  true. But, you moved ahead, and, then, you and he decided to be in a relationship, or situation-ship, and he started asking about your past. Why? Why did he need to know who you had been with and what you were doing before him? He really wanted to know if you were a hoe. He really wanted to know because he wanted to save face if he was ever confronted by his homies or other dudes who claimed they had bedded you and here he was being Captain Save-A-Hoe. So, instead of telling him the truth, you lied. And, when you finally confessed he copped an attitude and continued doing what he had being doing all along – seeing and screwing other women. Ma’am, nothing every changed with him. He didn’t become more faithful because you and he were together and in a monogamous relationship. He didn’t care that you were having his child. Nothing mattered to him because you and he had a situation-ship. You never had a real relationship. He was in a situation, and you helped him out of his situation. He deceived you and manipulated you into thinking you were in a relationship. He needed a place to live, and a woman who wouldn’t question him, and a woman who he could run game on.

Wake up. Stop taking the blame and feeling guilty because he is cheating and claiming he’s doing so because of you not being honest with him. That is not the reason he is cheating. He is simply a cheater. He can’t be faithful. So, now it’s time to put on your big girl panties, and start being a grown woman who is about her business. Put him out of your house. He doesn’t do anything anyway, and he doesn’t contribute, so put him out. Hell, you were pregnant and working extra hours while he was laid up in your house. No man would have his pregnant woman working extra hours while he’s chilling at the house. Get that boy out of your house. Take him to court and put him on child support. And, end this relationship, or rather situation-ship. It is going nowhere. It will end up nowhere. He can’t commit and be faithful. He still wants to run the streets, so let him. You don’t owe him anything, so stop giving everything to him. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy, valuable, or lovable to him, so stop trying to be faithful to someone who isn’t faithful. Stop making him a priority when you an option for him. If you can’t see what he is doing, and how he has this double-standard against you and your past, then you will never see your own worth. He is a hoe. He is a man-whore. He is a dog. Not you. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

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