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Black woman in disbelief

Dear Bossip,

I have being seeing this guy for awhile, and we are in a very serious relationship. We actually are in love with each other.

I’m 30 years old with no children, and he has 2 children. The problem is not his children, however, the problem is his sick baby mother. She can’t work and she can’t contribute at all financially to take care of her children. That leaves him to take care of her and the children. I mean he pays the rent, utilities, cable, furniture, everything. He told me that if we get married that it won’t hinder anything we are trying to do, such as with the mortgage and overseas trips.

My problem is simple: This man is taking care of another household. I told him that I have a problem with it now, then, I will have a problem with it later. He insists on me trusting him and that I shouldn’t walk away from love. And, if there were any other solutions he will do it because he doesn’t want to lose me. I just don’t know. Please help. – His Other Obligation

Dear Ms. His Other Obligation,

Well, this is a sticky situation, and quite honestly, like you said, if you have a problem with it now, then you will have a problem with it later. And, if you don’t and can’t deal with it now, then don’t take it on. So, end this relationship, and move on with your life.

Here you have a man who is taking care of his sick baby momma, and his two kids. Now, that is understandable, considering she is unable to work, and he wants to make sure that his children do not end up homeless, or out on the streets. He is their father, and he has to provide for his children. The flip side of this is that he is taking care of another household, an entire household. Thus, he may as well be living with them. And, if he and his baby momma are not in a physical relationship, then, they certainly are in an emotional and financial relationship. He is invested in her well-being, and he is supporting her by taking care of all her bills. How is he doing this? What job, or career, does he have that affords him the opportunity to take of his own home (assuming he lives by himself, since you didn’t say he lived with you or her), and he can take care of another household? I digress. But, take note that he is in another relationship.

My biggest concern is not whether he loves you, and he wants to build a life with you. He may very well want to be with you, and to make you his wife. However, my concern is that he is in another relationship, though it’s emotional and financial, but he is in another relationship. He is taking care of his baby momma, and his children. The emotional relationship they have will influence his decisions and how he thinks and moves. He will always consider her, her well-being, what she can do, what she can’t do, and how this will affect him and his kids. The fact that she can call on him to still take care of her even though they are not together speaks volumes. Yes, she is sick and can’t work, but why is he supporting her? Does she not have other resources, friends, family members, or other sources of income? His only obligation is for his children, and though it is upstanding that he is taking on this burden of ensuring they are all taken care of during her illness, but at what point does it end? Why is he paying for all her bills? I understand the rent, but even her utilities, cable, furniture (?) and whatever else. Why? And, if something was to happen to the mother of his children, then if you and he marry you will inherit his children because I’m sure he will take them in to live with him.

You have to consider that if you move forward in this relationship, even into marriage, then you are agreeing to take on what comes along with him, including his children. You don’t have kids, and you don’t know what it’s like to raise kids. So, is this something you want as a step-parent? And, if they are dealing with a sick mother, and if they should lose her, then the transition for them may be harder, especially with you being a step-parent, and they feel you took their dad away from their mother. Who knows what is to happen or what will occur, but you have to consider everything and all the options of dating someone who has kids. And, what if her illness makes her unable to return to work and he wants to continue taking care of her. Then what will you do? How will this affect your relationship with him? What will happen when he is pouring his finances into her household, and neglects you? Yeah, he can say nothing will change, and your future financial plans will not change, but he can’t guarantee this. I’m sure he didn’t anticipate her getting sick and paying for all the expenses for another home.

If you marry him and you become his wife, then I’m not sure you will be so understanding and accommodating of your husband taking care of another household. You will become his wife, his new family, and he is to ensure that you are taken care of before he can take care of another woman. Notice I said, “Take care of another woman.” Digest that and consider that as a possibility.

And, I wonder why he won’t take his children in with him now since their mother is ill and unable to work. I’m sure it may be better to take his children and let her heal and take care of herself, and he can take them over to visit her on the weekends. And, that way, he can renegotiate his financial commitment to her. He can offer to help with one or two bills, but her other bills will be on her. He’s got to think smarter, especially if he proclaims he wants to be with you. Then, he needs to explore all his options in order that he doesn’t lose you. And, you really need to consider if you’re ready to be a step-parent, and having another woman in your life. He’s made it obvious and known that he is not going to stop taking care of her and her finances. He wants you to be on board with him doing what he’s doing, and for you to agree. If you agree now, he will throw it up in your face later if you complain. So, you either accept it, or don’t. And, if you can’t accept it, and it bothers you now, then leave and save yourself the potential headache, drama, and stress. It is not worth it. – Terrance Dean

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