I have this toxic relationship with my best friend.
He’s married and we have three kids together. They came years after marriage. YES, I know we are/were wrong, but it happened – can’t change it. Trust me, I got my head ripped off by my 90 year old grandmother who said I was dumb and foolish, but I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last. However, he’s accepted at all family gatherings, and he is missed when he doesn’t come.
We (the kids and I) never lacked for anything from him (time nor money). We always got gifts on birthdays and holidays, if we were in town, and some even while we were out of town. We have been friends all our lives, but we have been in an off and on relationship for 20+ years. I’ve had serious relationships that have never worked out and I always ended up back with him.
Well, all this back and forth has ran its course finally, and it’s either we are gonna be fully together or we’re done. Now, honestly I don’t want the latter, but I know karma so I’m preparing for the end. I’m trying to distance myself from the situation, but the conversations with his friends are cryptic but hinting at me sticking with him and them saying, “We’re gonna help him get it together.” Meanwhile, my friends and family are telling me give him time. I don’t know what he’s telling them. One minute he’s telling me, “I want you to be happy.” And, in the same breath he’s actually saying, “But, I need you!”
Right now he’s going through a significant loss, and although I wanna be there for him as a friend I don’t want to get sucked back into our normal. I mean he really is my best friend! Please help! – Torn & Tired
Dear Ms. Torn & Tired,
He is not your best friend. He is not your man. He is married and belongs to someone else. Thus, you are a long-term side chick. You are not in a relationship. You are on loan, well, actually, you are convenient and available sex. I’m sure that over the years you are not the only woman he has slept with besides his wife. I am certain there is and have been other women. You are not special. You are not unique and nor do you have a magical vagina.
And, I’ll be very clear that he is never going to marry you. I don’t care what your friends and family think, say, or do. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. And, if after all this time he has not left his wife, nor has he made any attempts to be in a monogamous relationship with you, and he hasn’t committed to just you, then he is not, and never will. You can sit up there and listen to your friends, and wait on him all you want, but it’s been over 20 years, three kids later, him marrying another woman, and him using you for his personal sexual pleasure, but he is not going to marry you. Why? What is the incentive? What will he gain? You’re giving him everything now. What will he get by marrying you? He doesn’t want your heart, mind, love, and companionship. He doesn’t want anything from you that will make him leave what he has, and make him leave where he wants to be. He made his choice. You are not a priority in his life. You are an option.
By the way, why didn’t he marry you from the beginning? Why didn’t you get the ring? Why isn’t he married to you? You claim he is your best friend, and you’ve been friends for over 20 years, then why didn’t he settle down with you? If you’re best friends, and he says that he needs you and can’t be without you, then why did he marry someone else, and spend the next several years building a family and life with her?
And, I find it despicable and appalling that your friends and family members are helping to plot and break up his marriage by telling you that, “We’re gonna help him get it together,” and for you to give him time and hold out for him. That is disgusting, and it’s sad. But, I blame you for dragging them into this mess and drama. You have this blasé attitude about what you’re doing, and despite knowing its wrong you continue to do what you’re doing. You have no remorse, no ethics, and no values. You’re showcasing your adulterous lifestyle in front of your family, friends, and kids, and you think this is okay. What do you tell your children when they get older? How do you explain what you’re doing and that he is a married man with another family? What explanation do you give your children when daddy is not available or around? And, how do you explain his other children, who are their brothers and sisters, and may possibly have never met, or will meet one day? Ma’am, I can see why he won’t marry you, or why none of your serious relationships have ever worked. You don’t really care about anyone but yourself. You are selfish, desperate, and miserable.
I’m sure you thought that each time you had a child with him that he would leave his wife and be with you. I am certain that you held out hope that having his kids made you feel that he would love you more, and that you could end this adulterous relationship and become his main woman, his only lady. Welp, I guess that didn’t work out for you, huh?
So, here you are, you had three kids with a man who is married and you’re bragging that you never have to want for anything, and how he buys you and your kids gifts on birthdays and holidays. And, you’re proud of the fact that he can come to your home and hang out with your family and friends and how much they love and adore him. That isn’t anything to brag about, or be proud of. You and your family and friends should be ashamed of yourselves. They are co-signing your and his bull-ish, and you find that okay. Something is wrong with you and your family and friends.
Now, you send me this letter because you want me to co-sign this bull-ish. Girl, bye! I am not your family and friends, and I am not going to lie to you and fill your head with lies and false hopes. I am like your 90 year old grandmother – you are foolish and dumb. You said this situation-ship has run its course, yet, instead of walking away you want to be together because you don’t want it to end. Well, there is nothing I can offer you because you have resigned yourself to the position you are in, and the one you have – always and forever a side chick. Like I said, he is not leaving his wife to marry you, so I guess you’ll be waiting another 20 years for him. And, now he’s going through a significant loss and you feel the need to be there for him, and not end the relationship because he will be devastated? He will be hurt even more if you left him during his “time of need”? You do realize you don’t want to leave. You don’t want to walk away. You enjoy being a doormat, a foot rug, the garbage and trash. You like being the side chick who has his kids, and can brag that he can come to your house and hang out with your family and friends. You have no problem sharing a man because you have no self-worth or respect for yourself. So, you know your role and position. You know where you stand. Stop complaining and remain where you are and stop demanding something from him that he can’t and won’t give you. – Terrance Dean
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