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Black Woman worrying

Dear Bossip,

I have been married for 3 and half years now, and have been insecure about my husband’s relationship with his younger sister.

My husband’s sister got married a year before we did, but she always visited our place once every three days and stayed over till the weekend. This continued even after our marriage wherein she expected my husband to drop her off to her classes and then pick her up, wherein, her own husband would just sit back at home and do nothing. My husband willingly did this for her.

This continued for 3 months, and soon after her husband got transferred to another city, but she decided to stay back at our place since she was working too. She moved in and that’s when things turned ugly. She relied on my husband for every small thing. She would never step out without him. She also accompanied us in most of our drives, and she even slept in my bedroom, next to my husband, on my bed in my absence.

When I raised my discomfort to my husband he very conveniently pushed me away saying that the house belongs to their parents and his sister has a right to do whatever she wants anytime, anywhere, and if this is a concern for me then I should go and live with my parents or work late to avoid seeing the sight.

This continued for 15 months. Her husband visited once in 15 days and he never got his own vehicle. Thus, all our weekends involved taking them out in our vehicle or planning something from home with them. My husband did not see anything wrong with this.

My sister-in-law got pregnant and had a baby. Her in-laws took her home after the baby turned 3 months old and she had to give up on her job.

Now, she visits us once every 2 months and stays over for a week. Even if her husband accompanies her he doesn’t get his own car, even though he earns 5 times more than what my husband and I earn together. In a way they take my husband for granted and treat him as a driver. I hate it completely. My husband shuts me up saying it’s none of my business and he would continue to drive them wherever they want right till the end.

His relationship with his sister is not something I would accept. He even has asked me to divorce him if I continue to have issues with her presence or with his support that he offers her. We fight a lot because of this. I love him endlessly and don’t want to lose him. At the same time I don’t want her in our life every now and then. – My Annoying Sister-In-Law

Dear Ms. My Annoying Sister-In-Law,

They are in a mentally and emotionally incestuous relationship, and it should bother you. It is eerily strange that she is sleeping in the same bed as her grown brother, who is your husband, and she has a husband. Why are they sleeping together? What the hell is going on?!?!

Uhm, ma’am, if they are sleeping in the same bed together, and she is always at your home, and spending more time with her brother rather than her own husband, uhm, are you sure she is his sister? Hell, she may not be a blood sister. She may be adopted, or from a second marriage by one of their parents. Do you know the history of your husband’s family, his parents, and their background? I question your husband and his sister’s relationship. That sounds too weird and too familiar to my liking. I wouldn’t put up with them being all cozy and laid up on one another, and then your husband tells you that you should divorce him if you have a problem with their relationship because he is not going to stop doing what he does. Well, that is when you should have served him the divorce papers. Ain’t no way in hell he should be giving you an ultimatum when he is doing some foul –ish, and in your own home! Lawd!

Their relationship is not normal. It is not a typical familial relationship. It sounds more like two lovers. They are behaving like two people who have been intimate with one another, and this relationship has continued.  She spends too much time at your home. She is sleeping in your bed with your husband while you’re at work. She expects your husband to cater to her, and do everything for her. They are basically in a relationship with each other. I’m surprised that you and your sister-in-law’s husband have not spoken up and said anything, or the two of you joined forces and talked about this strange behavior and confront them together. It appears that the both of you are either weak-minded people, or too afraid to speak up and confront them, so, you just ignore it because you’re too afraid and have no spine. I wish I would stay with someone who tells me to divorce them because they plan to continue their incestuous relationship with their brother or sister. No ma’am!

And, hell, are you sure the baby your sister-in-law had is her husband’s child? Honey, that baby may be your husband’s child.

Look, you are too accommodating about this situation, and too calm when it comes to your husband and his “divorce me or stay and deal with it” attitude. You got to put your foot down, and demand that your husband recognizes that you are the woman of the house, and not his sister. I don’t care if it is their parent’s home. Hell, if he is saying she gets to have free range and do whatever she wants because it is their parent’s home, then give it to his sister and you two move and get your own home. You are unhappy in your own home. Ain’t no way in hell your husband should be choosing his sister over his own wife. You’re his new family. You’re his number one woman and lady, and he should be doing everything to make sure you remain happy. If you can’t confront him, and talk about this civilly, then I suggest marriage counseling, and getting to the root of their relationship. What is really going on? Do they not find what they are doing as not normal or disturbing? Why are they sleeping in the same bed, especially the bed you share with your husband? Why is he bending over backwards for her, driving her around, and catering to her? Get answers to the questions because there is something at the core of this relationship, and be prepared for what you may uncover. It may not be healthy. And, if this continues or persists, then it may be time for you to consider divorcing him. You are a third-party in your own marriage. Sorry, ma’am, but your husband has got to make a choice, either you or his sister. And, he’s already made it clear which of you he is choosing. Now, you need to do what is best for you. – Terrance Dean

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