I have been a side chick for 10 years.
We started off as each other’s side pieces for about a year and then I became single and I still kept messing around with him. He left his girlfriend and he was single for a while, but he did not choose me. He then got another chick and he still did not choose me. I finally stopped waiting for him to choose me and I decided to go on with my life. That was his suggestion. So, I did.
I moved away for two years, but we kept in contact. I even saw other people, but none of them that were worth being in a relationship with. I moved back and the relationship with him started again. He was in a relationship in the beginning, but he ended it. I did express to him that I wanted more and he said he did not want more with me.
I desire very much to be in a relationship, and also, I would like to get married. I’m not getting any younger. I love him, but I love me more. Now, I am at the point where I desire to move on with my life, but it seems that I have a tendency to go back to him expecting different results, which is insane. I really wonder why he never chose me. What is it about me that he does not want? None of his previous relationships have ever worked out, and the only one he keeps around is me.
I have wasted a decade of my life going around this revolving door. A lot has changed. I no longer make him a priority in my life, it is more or less if I have time to hang out, then, I do. I’m actually am busy a lot, but I always wonder why he never chose me. I have only walked away once in the 10 years of messing around with him, and he came after me. But, even then, I settled for less. I am finally washing my hands of him, but secretly just wish he would come after me and say he wants to be with me. But, I’m not holding my breath. I just want a commitment. If only I could meet someone else. – Ms. Want To Be Chose
Dear Ms. Want To Be Chose,
You are truly sad, and it’s sad that you know that you are sad, but you won’t do anything about it.
Why are you running and chasing after someone who has told you time and time again that they don’t want to be with you? It’s been ten years, and you still haven’t gotten the hint, clue, nor the obvious in your face signs that he doesn’t want anything to do with you other than to use you for sex. Girl, ten years, and you are still waiting to be chosen! Please stop being desperate, lonely, nagging, and agitating.
The man doesn’t want to be in a serious monogamous relationship with you. And, who knows why he doesn’t want to be with you, but just know that he is not into you as you are into him. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t like you. There is something about you that he chooses not to invest in. And, he doesn’t want to get to know you other than to have sex with you. Hell, maybe he doesn’t like your personality. Maybe it’s your nagging ways. Maybe he finds you to be to clingy. Maybe you are too available. Maybe you’re too desperate. Maybe you’re simply not his type.
Yes, it is true. We all are not everyone’s type. As hard as it may be to believe, everyone is not going to find you attractive, a great catch, or amazing. You’re wondering why he won’t choose you, and it’s nagging at you. So much so, that you’ve allowed yourself to be his side piece for ten years hoping he will one day see you as a girlfriend. He’s not. Stop allowing yourself to be his chick on the side. Has it ever dawned on you that it just may be that the only thing you and he have in common is sex?
Look, I am not going to analyze this mess and come back with some conclusive answer as to why he after ten years this man has not chose you to be his woman. I don’t know why he hasn’t chosen you. He has the answers. And, time after time, even after you have confronted him about being together, he has told you to move on with your life, and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and that he doesn’t want anything more with you. Girl, listen to him and walk away. Move on. Stop allowing him access to your life. Stop answering his calls. Stop responding to his texts. Stop opening your legs for him. Stop giving him access to you, and your body. He can’t keep you on this rollercoaster, that you believe that you are on, if you keep allowing him in and out of your life.
You can end this relationship, this cycle, this longing desire to be with a man who has made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing to do with you other than sex. So what he has had other girlfriends. You are sitting up her bragging that the only person who has stuck around is you. Sweetie, he kept around because you’re steady sex, not because you are a steady girlfriend, or that you have been faithful and stuck by his side. And, why are you bragging about sticking around as a side piece for a guy who consistently cheats on his girlfriends? That is nothing to brag about, and, it shouldn’t be a quality you would want in a boyfriend. Hell, if he cheats on them, what makes you think he wouldn’t do the same to you?
You are waiting on him, or someone to choose you. It shows a lot about your character, and personality. You’re too desperate for a man. And, men can sense a woman who is too desperate and lonely. You will settle for anything, and allow a man to do whatever he wants with you and to you. Case in point, you’ve been waiting around for a man for ten years, a man who has consistently told you over and over again that he doesn’t want anything to do with you. Yet, you keep your legs open for him. You allow him to call, and text you whenever he wants to have sex, and you make yourself available. He walks all over you, and you allow him. You have no backbone, no courage, and no strength to walk away from someone who has made you secondary, hell, you’re not even secondary. You’re like number ten on his list. If you don’t see yourself as a priority, and you have no self-esteem and no self-worth, then why would he? Let him go. Stop waiting on him. He is not going to change his mind. He is never going to choose you. How about for once in your life you choose yourself! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!