I recently read one of your responses to a young lady about her situation with an ex that was in jail, and I’m hoping that you will be able to help me shed light on my situation. I’m really struggling with depression from it.
One of my friends that I work with added me on Facebook and I noticed she had a very cute son. I mentioned it to her and she told me that he was single, but also in jail. To make a long story short she sent him a picture of me and we then began to exchange letters for a couple of months, and then we started talking on the phone every night. We had multiple discussions about his ex and their child together including where they stand as far as their relationship. He reassured me that they were over and I didn’t have to worry that. I had apprehensions because my co-worker and the baby’s mother are close, and, even though she got him and I together at the time the baby’s mother and her were fighting. Since then, they have made up and she stopped communicating with me as much. I felt like she wanted them to be together. We saw each other for the first time on Sunday and everything was nice, but afterwards I didn’t hear from him. The radio silence continued for days until in the middle of the day on Wednesday, while I was at work, when he called me and told me that he’s going to try to work it out with his baby’s mom. My heart dropped and I cried all afternoon. I don’t know where this came from or how to deal with it. If you could give me some insight on what you think. I appreciate if you could help me. – A Very Brief Encounter
Dear Ms. A Very Brief Encounter,
When your co-worker told you that her son was in jail then that should have been the end of the discussion. There was nothing more to discuss, to chat about, or explore. And, why would she send him a picture of you to him? It’s obvious you got hyped and told her to send your picture to him. So, in your eagerness to meet her “very cute son,” you chose to forget that he is in jail. And, you chose to ignore that he had a baby momma. Oh, yeah, a baby momma who you learned is close with his momma. But, because you were so caught up in how he looked, and what he was telling you that you ignored all the red signs. You ignored the crucial factor that he was in jail. So, please tell me what type of future were you planning on having with him?
Why would you engage and begin conversing with a man in jail? What is the reason for that? What could he do for you? You ran up your phone bill taking his phone calls from jail because you thought this was going to be a long-term relationship? Are you that lonely and desperate for a man that you have resorted to men in jail? Of course he will write you and call you from jail, and tell you all these wonderful things and how much he wants to be with you, build a relationship, and be your man and you his woman. He has nothing but time on his hands, so writing and calling you is the thrill of his day. Men in jail will tell you anything you want to hear because it’s jail talk. Hell, I’m sure he was writing and calling his baby momma while he was in there as well.
Next, though his mother and baby momma were on the outs when she hooked you up with her son, uhm, don’t you find it kind of strange that this is the moment she introduces you to her son? She is mad at her, and to get back at her because she is mad, angry, and upset with his baby momma, she was thinking of a strategy to be vindictive. Aha! You see her son. You mention he’s cute and inquire about him. Ding! Ding! Ding! The mother is like, “I’ll get back at her. I can’t stand her.” So, she introduces him to another woman. Oh, and a woman she happens to work with. That is such a dig. And, she is bragging on Facebook talking about how her son has met a new woman, and it’s a woman from her job, and blah, blah, blah. But, then, they make up, and become good friends again, and then the mother stops communicating with you. Oh, that was convenient. Basically, you were a pawn. She used you, and you fell for it. You are too blinded by naivety and this faux relationship that you can’t see how they all used you. SMDH!
Then, he comes home from jail. You and he decide to finally meet, and have a face-to-face. A few days later he calls and says he’s going to work on his relationship with his baby mother. Well, one of two things could have happened. First, he didn’t like you when he met you in person, meaning, you were not physically his type. Because most men would attempt to smash or get with you despite trying to get back with their baby momma, especially if he just got out of jail. He is going to hump any and everything moving. And, I find it odd that he was telling you not to worry about his baby momma and she wasn’t a factor, but now he wants to work things out with her. Naw, son. I don’t believe that. Something else happened. So, maybe he didn’t think you were his type, physically.
Second, since the mother and baby momma made up and became buddy-buddy once again, then, you are no longer needed. Your role was insignificant. Remember, you were a pawn. You were being used a ruse and a distraction for her son while she was fighting with the baby momma. And, who knows what she was telling him about you. Think about it – that’s her son. They have intimate conversations you are not privy to, and she can tell him anything about you. He came back home, to his momma house, and she is telling him all about you, be it good or bad. And, since she’s stopped communicating with you at work, then, I’m going to err on the side that she is not saying nice things about you.
I don’t know why you are crying and upset over someone who basically can’t do anything for you. He doesn’t have a place of his own. He lives at home with his momma, or his baby momma. He doesn’t have a job, therefore, he has no money. He is a criminal, and his job opportunities will be very limited. He has a baby momma that is in and out of his life. He’s a deadbeat dad because if he doesn’t have a job, then he can’t afford to take care of his child. His mother meddles in his business. And, quite frankly, he’s a child himself. He is not a man. He is a boy. So, please tell me why you are upset and crying over him? Girl, please grow up. Get some common sense. And, stop letting people use you, and play you as a pawn. Stop confusing co-workers with friendships. They are not your friends. And, un-friend her on Facebook. Mind your business. Keep it cordial. And, go to work and do your work. Leave men in jail alone, and stop trolling your friends Facebook pages looking for a hook-up. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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