Almost three years ago I met and started dating the father of my child.
At first everything went well so much to the point that we ended up living together for awhile. As time went on I started to notice his true colors: flirting with and talking to other females over the internet, and other things to the point that we fought all the time, and I put him out last year!
When he left he claimed he was going to stay with a relative, but ended up moving in with some female and her kids. Of course I was devastated when I found out because I still loved him and wanted him to be a family for our child. Flash forward a few months and it’s my due date and we end up arguing over money that he was supposed to give me for our child, but didn’t! Ultimately him being the child and not a grown adult he’s supposed to be, he left me by myself to go through almost 40 hours of labor while him, and the female and her kids, went out of state with the money I was supposed to have for my child!
Flash forward a couple more months and I learn my child has a younger sibling, who I’m still not sure I want my child to know. Granted it’s selfish, but I have to work that out with myself in due time! I was pissed, hurt, betrayed, heartbroken every emotion rolled into one so much that I let it eat at me for months and ended up getting depressed over the entire situation!
I no longer worry about the situation because he doesn’t help take care of my child or even bother to come visit my child! What I am worried about is why do I still have feelings toward an individual who obviously didn’t care enough about me or my child to do right by us? I’m currently in a relationship with a wonderful man who is understanding and respectful, and is giving me time to sort out my feelings, but I don’t want to have to sort out my feelings I just want to forget the father of my child even exist, let alone that I still have feelings, and move on! So please help me honey. I would really appreciate it! Sincerely- Still In Love With Her Trifling Baby Daddy
Dear Ms. Still In Love With Her Trifling Baby Daddy,
Instead of asking me the question of why you still have feelings toward your baby daddy, who obviously doesn’t care enough about you or your child, how about you ask yourself that question?
Your child’s father is not a man. You’ve identified that when you said he is a child and not a grown adult. No man, well, let me rephrase that because it appears that the common theme in many of your letters, and by definition of what many of you call a man is totally different from mine, will lay up with a woman, help create a child, then leave the woman without any support financially or emotionally for HIS own child. What man will deny HIS own blood? What man will leave HIS own child to go be with another woman and her kids that are not his? I’ll tell you what type of man – YOURS! He’s weak, spineless, trifling, self-absorbed, S.O.B. who is a child himself. You should buy him a Big Wheel and put tassels on it.
These men are running around here claiming to be father’s, yet they haven’t seen their kids in weeks, months, or years need to be rounded up and thrown in jail. They need to be castrated. You know what, let me refrain and bring it back. There clearly needs to be some education, resources, and outreach to help men learn how to become fathers and be a parent. Clearly no one, and I mean no one, will create a solution to an ongoing problem that is crippling our communities, society, and world. When the father is out of the picture, it creates havoc and chaos, because young boys and young girls grow up with the “Looking For Daddy” Syndrome, and they end up looking up to men who are irresponsible, careless, reckless, and abusive, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle of unemployment, drug dealers/users, sexual promiscuity, uneducated, poverty, high teen pregnancy, undiagnosed mental disorders, and other dysfunctions that kill our community.
Now, what you, Ms. With-A-Hole-In-Her-Head, need, and I’ll say this to everyone out there, is a spiritual cleansing. You see, sweetie, when you sleep with a man, and vice-versa, your spirits cling together. There is a unifying and exchanging of emotions, feelings, and spiritual cohesiveness. So, all you ladies out there who can’t seem to shake a man you’ve been with, and you’re wondering why you’re emotional and physically having withdrawals, it’s because he is still “in” you. Ladies, if there’s nothing I’ve ever told you and you’ve haven’t heard before from me, but I highly and I mean highly recommend you purchase or watch Juanita Bynum’s videos called, “No More Sheets.” This video will change your life!
You say you’ve met a good man who is standing by your side, and giving you time to sort out your feelings. Do you really want to run this man off because you are sprung out on some other man who is trifling, low-down, and emotionally and mentally unavailable to you? Or, are you mad that he is with another woman and her kids that are not his, and they are playing house, yet, you still romanticize and fantasize that he is supposed to be playing house with you? Chile, your new man is good one. You are going to push him away and out of your life. And, better him than me, because I’ll be damned if someone tells me that they are still in love with their ex who has clearly moved on, but you’re feigning and craving someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you or his own child. Miss me with all that!
Ms. Thing, it’s time to move on, start working on you, and get out of denial. Get out of this fantasy world you’ve created in which you keep saying to yourself hopefully one day he will turn around and see what he’s missing and come back to you and you’ll be a big happy family. Come on Boo Boo, a man who took your money, left you in labor for 40 hours pushing out HIS child, and he went out of town with another woman and her kids. And, you really want him back? If you do, then something is clearly wrong with you. Stop harping over him. Stop putting your child in the middle of this. If he doesn’t want to see his own child, then you can’t force him. Just take him to family court, get full custody of your child, and then put him on child support. Regardless if he wants to be there physically, he will be there financially. It’s sad what he is doing, and how he is taking all this out on his own child. No child deserves this, and trust me, you’re better off without him in your child’s life. He’s a bum and deadbeat. Girl, for your own sanity and well-being don’t let him get to you, or under your skin. Focus on creating a new life and new world for your child. And, if the new man wants to help you build and provide a positive role model and outlets for your child, then give him a chance. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!