Dear Bossip: Even After All His Lies & My Cheating, We're Trying To Work It Out, I Think

Dear Bossip,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now and I can say that I’m really in love with this man.

I’m 22-years old, and he’s 27-years old. He’s very different from the typical guys I go for and he’s just like a breath of fresh air.

When we first started getting to know each other we asked each other questions and mine was do you have children and he told me no. But, I think a couple weeks he came out and told me he does and I was like, oh, ok well why did you lie? He swears he didn’t. Anyway, one day I told him I wanted to see him and he told me that I can’t come to his place because he lives with his aunt 0_o??? Ok, you’re 26-years old, why are you a grown man living with your aunt? SMH! HA! Mama didn’t raise no fool. I knew something was up because my gut feeling was going crazy. I couldn’t get it off my mind that he was lying. So, you know us women we investigate.

I found out his child’s mother was on Facebook and I seen pictures from her baby shower and delivery which was a month before we met. SMH. I asked people around and they all said he lives with his child and the child’s mother. Boyyyy, was I a police officer that night. I interrogated his ass until he finally broke and told me she lives in his house only because her family kicked her out and she had no place to go. Once again why did you lie? You know what he says, “I lied because I really liked you and I wanna make you my wife one day and no women would go for a guy in my situation.” He said this after the fact I fell in love with him because I really tried to force myself not to love him. Even my girlfriends were like you guys been together for awhile and you still don’t love him.

I was livid in my mind. He has to be sexing her if they live together. It’s just no way, but I could be wrong because I used to live with my ex and we never had sex. I wouldn’t let him come near me. I forgave him, but I cheated on him based off the things I’ve been through in the past from being cheated on by every guy I dated to my first and second love having 2 kids with other women. So, I was pretty much broken and that’s why I cheated.

Two months later I find out I’m pregnant by my boyfriend and I was so scared it was my first time being pregnant and he wanted me to get an abortion and I didn’t. I come from a Christian home and we don’t believe in that, so I basically let him make the decision which I felt he wanted only because he had a 1-month old and I think he was still dealing with his child’s mother. Ten months later he asked to have the password to my Facebook account. I gave it to him because I wasn’t talking to no one after I cheated. It was a one time thing. I guess when you delete messages from your Facebook on your mobile you will still have messages if you use the computer because he seen the message with the guy I knew from high school I cheated on him with. Which at the time I didn’t love him nor did I think we would last longer than 5 months.

He went ballistic on me. He asked me to come by his house (where he lives with his child and the mother) so we can talk. She wasn’t there because he said he threw her out. SMH. We sat on the couch and all I could do was cry while he made me feel bad. Then he started hitting the walls, he broke the TV and it fell to the floor, and I was crying. I don’t know if he was for real, but I have never seen a guy I was with react that way. I’m the one that’s usually crying not them and to see that made me feel so much more guilty inside. Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing man, and he treats me better than any guy has. He’s been there for me helping me since I got laid off from work. Before he found out I cheated it used to bother me that I cheated on him because he seems like a good man. The kind of man I prayed to God about, even though he has some baggage. I really feel like I found my soul mate.

So, he ended up forgiving me and he said that I will have to earn his trust back. Of course we had makeup sex, but throughout the whole time all I could do was cry. I’ve been trying to earn his trust again, but ever since then we’ve been arguing every week, maybe twice a week. He really doesn’t trust me or anything I do. He continues to throw it in my face that I cheated on him. He even said one day that he would cheat on me and when he does he’s gonna leave me because the girl will be better than me and stuff like that really hurts my feelings. Although, he said that’s because he’s still hurt. Am I the one to blame? Should I be mad at myself? Even though we’re going through it now we always make up. With all our problems going on right now we don’t want to break things off because we really love each other and want to work it out. He never tells me he will break up with me. He’ll tell me to break up with him. SMH. I know you probably think I’m a mess but what should I do? – Stuck Trying To Make It Work

Dear Ms. Stuck Trying To Make It Work,

Well, break up with him. What are you waiting on? Please end this and get you some damn common sense. I truly don’t understand you people. What backwoods are you raised in? Are y’all related?

He lied to you from the beginning. He lied about having children. He lied about living with his aunt. He lied about living with his child and child’s mother. What do you expect from him? He’s a liar!

Then, you cheat on him and….why the hell am I even bothering with this foolishness. You both deserve one another.

You’re playing this tit for tat game with him, and both of you are trying to hurt each other and get one over on the other person because you’re both hurt people. This cycle of pain and hurt is doing nothing but making you both miserable. Why are you with someone who blatantly tells you that they are going to cheat on you, and will leave you for the other woman because she will be better than you? Well, bye!!! Leave!! Go be with the other woman.

But, by reading your letter I can muster and gather that you two are either competently slow, or, neither of you finished your education beyond high school. Whatever the damn reason, you’re both challenged and it’s sad that you’re playing this game with one another emotionally and mentally.

What’s even sadder is that you sat up here and wrote that when you found out you were pregnant by him, and how you don’t believe in abortions because you’re a Christian. Well, ma’am, Christians are not supposed to engage in pre-marital sex, but I guess you missed that part. I love how you have morals and values when you choose to, but won’t use your morals and values to make sound and clear judgments about your life.

Now, what’s even sadder is that you’ve given your power over to this man to decide on whether or not to keep the child you were carrying. You gave him access to your personal information and he learned that you cheated on him. Then, on top of it all, he tells you that he will cheat on you and leave you for a woman better than you, and you’re trying to earn back his trust? You are a damn fool! You will stay and be concerned about a man who tells you that he is going to cheat on you and then leave you because he wants revenge? Ma’am, please stop. Just stop.

You do realize that this is the same man who told you that he put his baby momma and his child out of the house, the house he shares with his aunt, and you are begging and pleading hoping he will want to be with you because of why again? Ms. Thing, he put his baby momma and his own child out onto the streets! Okay, wait a minute, I don’t even believe any of his lies anymore. Nothing coming out of his mouth should be held true. He’s a freaking liar!

It’s obvious you’re not going to leave him. You’ve played the fool and believed his lies, yet, when the tables turn you’re bending over backwards, kissing his a** and trying to redeem yourself. He’s playing you like a damn bird, a pigeon, a chicken, hell, you choose one. But, he knows how to play you and make you feel idiotic and stupid because you allow yourself to be seen and thought of as idiotic. Stop giving your power over to him! Stop letting him make you feel as if you’re worthless! You have some sense, why don’t you use it! And, you already know what to do. Leave him! End the relationship! Move on! Listen, if you feel worse, guilty, and hopeless then this relationship is not the relationship for you. No relationship with any person should make you feel less than, unworthy, and depleted. Get out if it does because it will leave you mentally, emotionally and physically empty. No man is worth all this aggravation, heartache, and pain. No damn man! Put the energy into loving yourself, building yourself, and empowering yourself. When you are inspired, encouraged, and empowered then no man can bring you down. He will have to bring himself up to be with you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!