Dear Bossip: I Reconnected With An Ex, But He Has A Girl & I'm Not Sure If He's Playing Us

Dear Bossip,

I recently started working at my old job again and ran into this guy who I used to associate myself with.

I really liked him at one time, but that was like 2 years ago. Now, every time I see him I don’t know what to think. He always speaks to me, but sometimes he stands really close violating my personal space, or he either stands extremely far away. He’s always asking about my love life, but when I ask about his he’s very stand-offish about it. And, the bad part about it is that he started dating his current girlfriend shortly after I caught him in secret parts of our job talking to her all the time. When I approached him on why he was doing that he started getting defensive, but he would always get mad and approach guys whenever I would speak to them, and I wasn’t even being secretive or being spiteful.

I don’t really know where this is going since we were only associating with each other years ago. It was all good when we were like best friends. I would talk to him all day on the phone until one of us went to sleep. We had everything in common. We were mutually attracted to each other and waited eight months to have sex. He said all the right things.

Then, all of a sudden, this chick started cramping my style. She saw how tight we were so it seems like she was trying to be a clone of me in order to get him. I tried to stay in the race for his heart, but I dropped out because it was getting ridiculous. It was like, if I bought him a regular slushie, she’d buy him a big gulp. I’d buy him a meal from a store, then she’d get the value meal. And, these actions started to make me mad because I thought my overall package was better than hers. So, little by little I separated myself out the equation. Since then, I bump into him all the time. He always has a smile when I’m talking to him and seems to initiate the conversation. Should I let this proceed or leave him alone? In the back of my mind though, I kind of want payback and I kind of think I can achieve it. Do you think I’m wrong? Please give me your wise insight. I need guidance. HELP! – Just Need A Lil Guidance Before I Do Something Stupid

Dear Ms. Just Need A Lil Guidance Before I Do Something Stupid,

There is a saying that I use, “Stupid is, as Stupid does.” In other words, yes, Ms. Honey, you’ve already begun doing stupid things to capture a man’s heart and attention.  Why are you buying him food? He has a job! And, why are you comparing yourself to another woman saying you know your overall package is better than hers? I don’t understand why people always compare themselves to other people, especially when they find out the person they are interested in likes someone else. You compare your hair saying, “Well, at least I got real hair.” Or, “I dress better than her.” And, “My make-up is on point. Her make-up is jacked up.” And, then, “She is out of shape. They need to be in the gym.” Also, “I’m smarter. I went to college. I don’t have several kids by different men. Why doesn’t he like me? Why did he choose her?”

GIRL, BYE!

And, that line about you separating yourself from the equation, uhm, sweetie, I have breaking news for you, this just in – You were never part of the equation!

If your package was so tight, then why is he with the other woman? Obviously he finds something appealing about her. There is some type of connection he has with her that he didn’t have with you. And, it could be that the timing was just not right. I know many people who twll me that they have just met the greatest person in the world, but because of personal reasons, financial reasons, or, emotional or mental incapability, they are just not ready to be in a relationship. Whatever is going on, don’t chase after someone unless they want to be chased. And, it’s clear that they will be chasing you as well. Don’t run up behind someone trying to get them to like you, and they are not reciprocating the attention. That is painful and unproductive. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who is not willing to spend or exert time and energy into you.

In your situation, however, I gather that he likes the attention he receives by having two women compete for him. Notice how he reacts whenever you are around other men. You said he gets angry and spiteful. That is someone who is jealous. He wants you to focus on him. He wants all your attention, and for you to lust after and chase him. However, notice that he refuses to focus on you. He refuses to give you the attention you yearn. He is playing you and his girl. He has the two of you at odds with one another. And, as typical of most situations, we have two grown women fighting over a man, trying to get his attention, and yet, he is sitting back and enjoying the show. Stop it! Please, stop! He is the problem, not the other woman. Whatever lies he is feeding her, trust me, he is feeding them to you as well. Don’t believe the hype!

Honey, no man is worth fighting over. No man who is not building you up, empowering you, or inspiring you is worth it. He should be taking you out for lunch. He should be buying you slushies, and value meals. Girl, stop spending your hard earned money on some loser who doesn’t even respect you. That’s right, Ms. Honey, he does not respect you because if he did he would be upfront with you about his relationship with his current girlfriend. He would not be ducking and dodging your questions. A real man will be upfront and tell you what’s going on.

You say you don’t know what’s going on, Honey, let me break it down for you. He is trying to keep you around as a back-up chick. If things don’t work out with his girlfriend, he knows by keeping you around he can run back to you with some sorry line about, “You know you’re the one for me. She meant nothing to me. I always thought about you. And, blah, blah, blah.” Tell that bum to kick rocks!

And, why do you want to pay him back? For what? Chile, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be bothered with you. So what if you sleep with another guy. He won’t care. And, why are you seeking to get back at him, and why are trying to sleep with him to spite his girl? Is it to try to publicly humiliate him? What will that solve? What will it prove? Girl, grow up! Be a woman and stop acting like you’re in elementary school.

On the real, it’s time for you to get a backbone and stand up. Reclaim your power. You are fabulous and worthy. You deserve greatness. You are created out of greatness. You are created out of love. And, that bum-who-thinks-he-is-God’s-gift-to-women needs to man up. Leave him alone. Move on. Run. Sprint. Girl, when you show your maturity in moving on beyond him, and standing in your glory, and beauty, trust me, you will attract a much better and good man for yourself. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!