I have been seeing this man. I’ll call him, “D.”
We started dating last year in October. We stopped dating in January and started dating again in May. In October we decide that we’d be monogamous with one another. We do not live together. He does all the right things from giving me flowers to opening the door.
In the beginning he made his way over to my house 3 or 4 days a week and he would spend the night. Lately, we have seen each other only on Saturdays. He is almost 3 years younger than I. He has his own business, a nice car, is well educated and makes me laugh until my face hurts from laughing so much. I introduced him to my son, my family, and everything is going great. He has yet to introduce me to his family or any friends. I feel as if he is my man but I am not his lady.
He has exes calling him checking on him every now and then. This makes me uncomfortable, so I asked him to change his number and he told me could not. I’m not going to even BEGIN with the many things he is uncomfortable with when it comes to me and all the things I have given up. He said his clients have that number and yada yada, so the number stays. His cell is NEVER on or even with him when he comes to see me.
Recently, we haven’t had sex in about 6 weeks because he “was going through some things.” These “things” were family issues. He has since asked for sex and I have said no based on the fact that I think he’s cheating. Hell, I even told him that, “he doesn’t need me for that,” and to “continue doing whatever you been doing.” I figured if he didn’t ask for it in that length of time, then, there is a problem. Hell, we initially started dating on those pretenses alone.
It’s almost like I don’t exist to people that know and love him. He goes to family parties and doesn’t invite me. Meanwhile, he has been to all of my family gatherings. He tells me that he never brings any women home to his family. I am family oriented. I’m really thinking about hitting the high road, but I love this man. He doesn’t love me back. He “cares” for me. He has little disappearing acts, but always has a great excuse. I just think he’s a good liar. Am I bugging out here or are these not the classic signs of a cheating man? – Do I Stay or Leave
Dear Ms. Do I Stay or Leave,
Why, oh why, oh why are you writing me this letter and you know the answer? Why, oh why, don’t you trust YOURSELF and walk away? Oh, yeah, you want him to be your saving grace, your knight in shining armor. You want him to be the man you hoped he will be ‘one day soon’ because you’re all the woman he needs. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.
You’ve hyped him up to be this great guy because he has his own business, a nice car, well-educated, and makes you laugh until your face hurts. Uhm, sweetheart, just because he has nice things doesn’t make him a nice person. All those things that make him sound good on the outside, doesn’t make up for the fact of how ugly he is on in the inside. You are confusing the outside (material things and accoutrements) with how he is on the inside.
Let’s take a look at this from the inside and work our way out, okay, boo-boo. You both decided to be in a monogamous relationship after dating for two years. Or, rather, being bed buddies for two years. And, you mean to tell me that in the two years of dating this great, attractive, got it together man that he has never introduced you to any of his family or friends? Hmmm, this is not rocket science. It really isn’t. But, the kicker is that he told you that he doesn’t introduce women to his family. Well, let’s be real about what he’s really saying. He doesn’t want to introduce you to his family because he is not serious about you, and he doesn’t see a future with you. So, now that you and he both agreed to be monogamous with one another and you still haven’t met his family or friends, then, what does that sound like to you? No, really, I’ll wait.
It appears he agreed to be monogamous with you, but not committed to you. There is a difference darling. Yes, he may be having sex with only you, but he is not committed to you. He doesn’t see you as the ‘one.’ You are not his lady, woman, girl, or whatever you want to call yourself. So, he may very well be seeing other women, but not having sex with them because you two agreed to be monogamous. But, I am not that naïve to believe you’re his only one. I think he agreed to it because you are, uhm, shall we say steady in-house coochie? He knows you aren’t going anywhere, and guess what, you haven’t.
Ma’am, let’s look at the facts. He doesn’t respect you. His exes still call his phone and although you’ve asked him to change his number he refuses. Yet, he’s asked you to do certain things and you’ve complied. Hmmm, uhm, you’re bending over backwards to appease a man who is not bending over backwards to appease you. I think you got the game confused and he is running it and you. It appears this imaginary relationship you’ve concocted in your head is just that, an imaginary relationship that exists in your head.
I recommend that you two sit down and come to some terms of definition for yourselves and this situation you’re in. Ask him what is a relationship, and what does being monogamous mean to him. Ask him if you’re in a relationship, and if the two of you are in a relationship. Ask him what are his expectations of you, and you lay out yours of him. It appears that there has been no communication or agreement from either of you regarding your expectations of each other. What has happened is that you had this idea in your head of him, and what your definitions of where you saw yourself with him. Obviously he clearly isn’t matching your definition and you’re trying to make him fit, but no matter how hard you try he isn’t budging.
Also, you need to find out when you are meeting his family, his parents, and those persons who are important to him. If he continues to tell you that he doesn’t introduce women to his family, then find out why? What are his reasons? Then, once he gives you another reason, or excuse of why you won’t meet anyone important in his life, then, you need to realize that you are not the one. You are not his lady, his woman, or his girlfriend.
Look, I for one wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone for over two years and they have never introduced me to their family or friends. I mean, that’s just me. You need to realize that Every Man Is Not Relationship Material: Get Up and Move On. And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, darling, your man fits my definition of a man who is not relationship material. Notice that he used come to your house 3 to 4 times a week and stay the night. He knows where you live and is quite comfortable coming to your home. And, you may very well know where he lives, but you don’t spend the night at his home. Hell, you’re not invited. And, notice that recently he only spends Saturdays with you. As I’ve said earlier, pay attention to what you wrote, Ms. Honey.
Then he hasn’t introduced you to his family or friends. Girl, wake the hell up. You are not his woman. He doesn’t see you as a woman he’ll spend the rest of his life with, and thus, he’s not going to introduce you to those he love. He goes to family events and gatherings and doesn’t invite you. Yawn, girl, I’m getting bored now. You say you don’t exist to the people who know and love him. Well, guess what, you are the invisible woman. Notice how he has disappearing acts and how he is able to provide these awesome and wonderful excuses of where he’s been. Let me stretch my legs and arms. I’m over it and you. Oh, wait one last minute, you said he doesn’t love you back, but that he ‘cares’ about you. I’m done. It’s a wrap. You answer that one for yourself. Girl, stop wasting your time and energy for a piece of a man. You’ve subjected yourself to this crazy madness. If you don’t want to be some woman whom only he sees and knows, then you have to make some demands, and redefine your relationship. It’s time to stop being a doormat, floor placement, and throw rug, and become the woman on his arm. And, in order to do that you two need to be on the same page and agree that you’re in a relationship with one another. And, that is meeting his family and friends, going to events with him, no more calls from exes, and no disappearing acts with some bogus excuse. If he loves you, then damn it, he needs to say he loves you. And, girl, when you tell him no more sex, and that there will be no more seeing you until he man up and respects you as a woman and as your woman, then Ms. Honey, don’t expect anything else. – Terrance Dean
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