Dear Bossip: He Moved In, But He Isn’t Working & Wants Me To Get Him A Visa

- By Bossip Staff

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Dear Bossip,

My baby daddy recently moved from the United States to be with me and the kids in Toronto, Canada.

I recently started stripping again because he couldn’t to support us financially. But, now he’s just here living off me. He is babysitting the kids and saying he wants to marry me. I don’t feel that I want to marry him. I’m not trying to buy myself a ring. He wants me to get him a Visa so that he can start working, but he never wanted to work hard enough for me in the States so that me and the kids could come over there. I work like 5 times a week. I hardly see the kids, and I’m exhausted. I don’t think I can continue doing this, but at the same time he is good with the kids. I just feel like I can do better. He says it’s just temporary until he can work construction. But, I don’t know if it’s right for a man to live off a woman, and I have to pay his bills, and, deal with his bad credit instead of paying to go school for myself. What do you think? – It Don’t Seem Worth It

Dear Ms. It Don’t Seem Worth It,

Uhm, how is he babysitting his own kids? If he is the children’s father, then he is not babysitting, he is taking care of his children as he is supposed to be doing. The hell!

And, why is talking about marriage when he can’t support you financially? He doesn’t have his life together, so how can he talk about creating and building a life with you when he is out of order? He can’t even take care of himself, so he definitely won’t be able to take care of you and his children. And, if you don’t feel it is right for a man to live off a woman, especially while you pay the bills, then why are you letting him live off you? Ma’am, you are answering your own questions in your letter. You already know what to do. You don’t need validation from me to tell him to kick rocks, and go back home and get himself together. Until he can provide and take care of himself, then he doesn’t need to be talking about marriage, or shacking up with any woman.

But, I’m curious to know why are you letting him shack up with you? I understand he is the children’s father, and you want them to have their father around. Yes, I get that he is good with the kids. However, he is not contributing financially to the household. The kids see him and see a man who is not working. They see a man who sits at home while you go to work and bring home the money, and provide for everything. So, what type of role model is he for your children?

Also, he is not contributing to you and your growth. He is another mouth in your household that you have to feed. He is using the electricity, and staying for free. He has nothing to show for himself. What is sad is that you had to go back to stripping to support your family, and he is okay with this! HELLO! He is okay with you selling your body (the visual aspects of it), and men pawing all over you. Instead of telling you that you don’t have to do that, and he doesn’t want his woman stripping for other men, he is sitting in your home chilling, and has made no effort to get a job, hell, it can be any type of job, so long as it keeps you off the pole, and out of the gentlemen’s clubs. Sweetie, he is a sorry excuse of a man. You don’t need him. You are well off without him.

He moved to Toronto from the States because I’m sure he was just as lazy here. You made a very valid point when you said that he never wanted to work hard while he was in the States, so why all of a sudden he wants you to get him a Visa to find work, and to be with you? Girl, I’m sure he had no other place to go, and no one wanted to deal with him. His family and friends were probably sick and tired of him begging, and using them, and are probably happy he is out of their hair, and that you’ve inherited the problem. He’s useless. He only wants to marry you so that he can get his Visa. I’m sure he hasn’t talked about marriage before, but since he finds himself in a bind he needs a way out, a ticket, a resource, and you have become his salvation and hope.

You are taking care of a grown man child. Why? What are you getting out of it? How is he or this situation benefitting you? If you feel depleted, tired, worn out, depressed, sad, upset, angry, and not appreciated or worthy, well, it’s because he can’t pour into you because he himself is depleted, tired, depressed, sad, angry, and worthless. How can you expect someone who has nothing – emotionally, mentally, or physically, to give you something that they don’t have? He is emotionally unequipped to be in a relationship with you at this time. He is dependent on you, financially and emotionally. It is obvious that he is mentally unable to cope with this situation because he allows you, his woman, to strip in a club to support him and your children. Honestly, that will mess with a lot of men’s head if they knew that their woman was stripping, or had to strip to earn money. But, maybe it doesn’t bother him. Maybe he’s okay with it, and has checked out mentally, so he doesn’t have to deal with it, or think about what you’re doing and who’s doing what to you at work.

Look, you already know what to do. Send him packing, and ship him back to his momma’s house, or wherever he was staying before he came to live with you. Why would you take on another problem, another mouth to feed, and another grown ass adult who can and has the capability to work? He is not ready for a serious relationship with you. He wants a hand out, someone to baby him, and support him. He wants someone to fix him, and build him. But, what about you? Again, he can’t give you something that he himself doesn’t have. End this relationship, put him on child support, and make arrangements for him to babysit his kids. LOL! You don’t deserve to be overworking, stressing yourself out, and creating more problems than you had, or need. He is a liability. He has bad credit, no job, no money, no place to live, spiritually empty, and is emotionally inept. Please ask yourself is this the type of man you need in your life right now, at this moment, and at this time. If not, then he needs to go. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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