Well, to make a long story short, my husband and I have been together for over 10 years (married 2 years).
When we first started talking he did tell me that he had a child from a previous relationship. Even though I was a little uneasy about dating someone with a child, we had a strong connection and I really wanted to see how far things could go between us. His son was about 2 years old at the time. I talked to him over the phone, but I never had the chance to meet him because at that time I was living in Michigan (my husband is from Virginia; we had a long distance relationship).
When I moved to Virginia to be with him I asked about his son. I asked when could I meet him, and my husband told me that his baby momma had moved and he hadn’t been able to get in contact with his child. Over the years I would tell him that he needs to find his son and rebuild their relationship, but it’s like he didn’t care or maybe he didn’t know where to start.
Fast forward to just a couple of months ago. My husband began putting a lock on his phone. That ended up driving me crazy! I couldn’t understand why he would need to lock his phone. What was he hiding? One morning, right after Thanksgiving, I grabbed his phone and unlocked it. The first thing I saw were text messages between him and his baby momma. They were in contact with each other for months and I had no idea. On the messages, they were telling each other how much they loved and missed one another, calling each other “baby” and “sexy.” There was no mention of his son through all of this.
I confronted him about it and he did admit that he messed up (not the actual words of course). He said that he was sorry, but I don’t believe him. I think he’s only sorry for getting caught. If I would have never found out, it could still be going on. I also sent a text message to his baby momma explaining that I am happy that they were able to reconnect for the sake of his son, but that I felt very disrespected by their conversations. Now, every time I look at my husband my mind goes back to that day. I feel as though I can’t trust him anymore. He tells me some things, but not the entire truth. He says it’s because of my attitude. I’ve explained to him that the texts I read are what are causing my attitude.
There has been a lot of crying and screaming at each other. The topic of divorce has been brought up on numerous occasions. I love my husband with all my heart. I don’t want to get a divorce. I want to find a way for us to get along and get through this so that he doesn’t feel as though he has to choose between his wife or his child. – The Sad Wife
Dear Ms. The Sad Wife,
You want to find a way to get along and get through this so that he doesn’t feel as though he has to choose between his wife or his child, but ma’am, it’s much deeper than that. Another woman is involved. HELLO! He is choosing between you and his baby momma. The child never comes up, and you even stated this fact. So, please, stop deluding yourself.
Your husband has been maintaining a secret relationship with his baby momma, for lawd knows how long, and like you said had you not gone through his phone and discovered this fact your husband would still be carrying on with his baby momma without your knowledge. He led you to believe that he had not been in contact with her, and he had no way of reaching her. Hell, he had been in contact with her for months. You stated that none of the texts mentioned his son. So, therefore, he wasn’t or didn’t care about his son. He was interested in reconnecting, rekindling, and getting back with his baby momma. Sweetie, you have a bigger issue on your hand. Your husband was looking to cheat, and to step out on you.
I understand you want to work through this with your husband, but once distrust, and dishonesty enters into the relationship, and you are going through phones, emails, and spying and checking up on your mate because you don’t trust them, then, your marriage is in jeopardy. You no longer have trust or honesty. He told you that he was sorry, and you said you don’t believe him. You even mentioned that every time you look at your husband you think back to that incident. Ma’am, you haven’t let it go, and you are still holding on to it. You haven’t forgiven him, because you don’t trust or believe that he won’t resort to texting her, and cheating. Your husband is emotionally and mentally cheating. I’m not sure if he has physically gone through with cheating, but emotionally and mentally he is cheating. It’s just a matter of time before he does physically cheat on you.
I recommend marriage counseling, and possibly seeking out a spiritual advisor, or speaking with your pastor or reverend, if you go to church. But, definitely talking with a marriage counselor will help you to get to the bottom and root of these pressing issues in your marriage. First things first, I wonder when you were in a long distance relationship if your husband had been maintaining a relationship with his baby momma while you were in Michigan and he was in Virginia with her. I find it quite interesting that when you moved to Virginia and inquired about his son that all of a sudden she disappeared and he had no way of getting in contact with her. That doesn’t seem to add up. I suspect that he had been maintaining a relationship with her up until you moved to Virginia, and even thereafter, and at some point she got tired of him, or, once he got married she ended the relationship. That will explain why she ended the communication with him, and probably threatened to not let him see his child.
Thus, I am apt to believe that your husband has never been honest and upfront with you from the beginning. He has always and continues to lie, or give you the half-truths. You said that he tells you some things but not everything, so, this is nothing new. This has been going on for years. I think the fact that you’re mentioning it, or noticing it now is due to the fact that you discovered he had been texting his baby momma. Your husband has never been fully honest with you about anything.
I love how he has a reason and explanation of why he can’t tell you everything, or leave out details because of your attitude. So, he would rather lie to you than tell you the truth? Why be with someone and you can’t be honest with them, or tell them anything? Why be with someone and you have to lie, leave out details, and distort the truth? He is flipping and turning all this on you, and making it your fault that he can’t be honest. Chile, bye! His lying, deceiving, and manipulation is of his own doing, and who he is. It has nothing to do with you.
Then, I’m wondering if he really has a son, or why he has not introduced you to his child. He has had ample opportunity to make it happen, so, where is this mysterious child? Why hasn’t he brought up the child again? All these years have gone by and he hasn’t seen his child, and it doesn’t make you wonder? Come on, honey, wise up! You discover that your husband is texting his baby momma, and not one text message mentions his child? Not one text? SMDH! All the years have gone by and you are the one asking and inquiring about the child. He never brings up his child. He just dropped the subject and has moved on with his life? That doesn’t even sound right.
Your husband is leaving out some very critical information, and details. As you know, and as you have said, he is not forthcoming with the truth, and you need to get to the bottom of this. What else is he hiding, and why is he hiding it? Why are the secrets and games? What is really at stake, and what is really at the root of his deception, and misleading you? You have to ask some serious questions, and ask for some clear and honest answers. Again, marriage counseling will help, and hopefully your husband will be truthful enough to reveal his deceptions and lies. Hopefully, you will get to the root of these issues, and it will probably reveal more painful truths. You mentioned that you and your husband have thrown divorce at one another in arguments, and, if it’s that easy for you all to throw it out there, then, perhaps that is at the root for him. I wonder who mentions it first in your arguments. But, if this becomes too much for you, then perhaps you consider leaving your husband. He has been deceptive with you, and it’s not the first time, and like you mentioned, had you not discovered the texts your husband would have never said or mentioned anything to you about his baby momma. He is only sorry that he got caught. He isn’t sorry for his emotions and the feelings he has for her. – Terrance Dean
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