My husband and I have been together going on 24 years.
I recently found out he cheated on me and it floored me. I have always been a great wife and always kept it sexy till today. I never let myself go, and I am always at the gym. I also make sure our household is on point. We have 4 kids – My oldest son who he raised since he was 2 years old. His twins that I raised since they were one year old, and, our own child.
My husband was recently diagnosed with heart problems and had to have stents put in his heart. His brother had a heart attack at 30 years of age and passed away. His father died of a heart attack at the aged of 56 years of age, and his mom has stents put in her heart. His older brother has also had heart surgery.
Once this happened, things really changed in our relationship. He started hanging out more and staying out. I spoke to someone who said he is going through a mid-life crisis. I sat and spoke to him and he stated that he feels he does not have long to live and wants to enjoy life. I can understand that, but when the fun turns into missed calls, not answering your phone, and making up lies now we have a problem. And, then, I became a detective. I found out he cheated and I told him we were done and he needed to leave. He went to stay at his mother’s house and he has been there for the past 6 months. We keep in contact, but I feel now that he is doing way more out there, and he is saying “THE HELL” to out 24 year relationship. I am finding out thing and I don’t like it.
He tells me he loves me with all his heart and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he also says that he needs to find himself. I haven’t been with anyone, not because I can’t, it’s because I don’t want too. I truly do love him and want my marriage to work, but it cannot be one sided either.
As a man, if I just leave him be, is there a possibility to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once was that brought us together?
Do you think me just leaving him alone is right, meaning, don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs, don’t act jealous, and don’t bring up the cheating? Should I just do not bother him and just give him his space? Do you think he will realize what he had? You keep it so real and to the point that I truly do value you honest option. – Still Hoping For The Best
Dear Ms. Still Hoping For The Best,
Your husband is gone. He has checked out of your marriage. He has checked out of your relationship. He has checked out of life. He would rather run himself into fast and quick into the ground, rather than focus on the positive things he has in his life, such as your marriage, his family, loved ones, and the love that you and he built for 24 years. Sadly, he has witnessed his own family members die from heart attacks, and another sibling and his mother have stents in their hearts, so, he doesn’t see any hope or future for himself. He has accepted a fate that he feels is determinate and will ultimately lead to nothing gained, ventured, or lived. So, he’d rather live out his days fast, hard, and doing what he feels is a life of no regrets.
It is sad that he doesn’t realize the wonderful life he has built with you for 24 years, and the children he has helped to create. He could be spending lots of time with his children building and creating memories that will live forever with them, but he can’t see that. He can’t see how this will affect them in the long run. He has become selfish and self-absorbed thinking only of himself. He would rather throw 24 years down the drain. Unfortunately, he sees things differently than you, and he doesn’t see the pain, and hurt he is causing all those who are around him and love him. He is committed to self-destruction, but his self-destruction seems eminent because for him it’s “I’m going to die anyway, so I may as well live how I want to live.”
I don’t think he will realize or recognize what he has done or is doing to you until he is on his deathbed and he sees you, his children, and all those who love him surrounding him. He may beg and ask for forgiveness at that time, but it will be too late. He has already done the damage. So, your question is there a possibility to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once was that brought us together? Ma’am, I don’t know. But, I do know it will never go back to what once was that brought you together. That will not happen. I am all for new possibilities, but unless he is willing to see the possibility to reconnect to create a new bond, then it won’t happen. He has to be willing to change, to turn around, and come back home. You would think that this wake up call would cause him to create a new bond with you, his children, and his family. But, it hasn’t. He has turned to doing him and doing him at any and all costs. He has turned his back on you, and is not interested in building a friendship, or strengthening what you once had. He is about himself.
Next you want to know that if you should just leave him alone, meaning, don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs, don’t act jealous, and don’t bring up the cheating? Well, you’re still married. He is self-destructing right before your eyes. You’ve caught him cheating, and you know he is in the streets doing whatever and with whom. So, why ignore it? You are his wife and he is your husband. He is destroying your family, and your household. He is causing you grief, pain, and agony. You can’t just ignore what he’s doing. He is still responsible as a father, a husband, a family man to be committed to you and his children. No, you shouldn’t let him off the hook. No, he doesn’t get a pass simply because he wants to live life to fullest, and it doesn’t include you. His actions and behaviors do affect you. Why be an a**hole? Why treat you all horribly? You all have not done anything to him. I don’t understand his rationale that he needs to find himself. Uhm, sir, you’ve had ample amount of time to find yourself. You don’t get married, create a family, build 24 years of a marriage and then decide you need to find yourself. No, that’s not how this works, and this is not how you go about doing things, especially when you’ve brought other people into your life. They didn’t ask for anything of this, so why would you treat them like this? I get that he has a life scare, and he is not sure of the amount of time he has. But, why not take care of yourself, find resources and understand your health choices and decisions and how these may prolong your life. Why not invest in ensuring you live longer so that you can enjoy life with those who love you, and those whom you claim you love?
Ma’am, your husband has been gone for six months, and it’s time to consider your options. You either get divorced and let him do him. Let him find himself, and let him run himself into the ground. Or, you and he have a serious talk. You don’t hold back anything, and you let him know how all of this is affecting you, his children, and those who love him. You let him know what 24 years of marriage has been built upon, and remind him that his marriage vows are for better or worse, and in sickness and health. He can’t abandon you all. That’s not what he agreed upon when he asked you to marry him. So, hold him accountable. Then, you get into therapy/marriage counseling, and then you find treatment plans and doctors who can give him options on how to extend his life. If he is not on board with any of these, then, you have to let him go. Let him go and do him. You can’t stop living your life and chasing after him and playing marriage detective. You have children to raise, a family to look after, and your own mental, emotional and physical well-being to be concerned with. Your children need at least one sane and healthy parent, so, don’t let him lead you down a path of destruction following him and worrying about him. – Terrance Dean
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