Cookout season is finally here and we compiled a handy-dandy go-to guide for the tacky, Chief Keefy or hoodrat-minded to live by. More like Commandments than actual rules, these golden guidelines will make grilling season far more enjoyable and stress-free for everyone.
Here are ten golden cookout (and fish fry) rules to live by. Take a look.
1. NEVER come to a cookout empty-handed (and hungry).
Sides, chips, desserts, a bottle (or chasers), plates, napkins, sporks, wet wipes, fresh deck of cards. Just bring something. ANYTHING. Because if you don’t, people will judge you and think you’re tacky, fatherless or unemployed and never invite you again.
2. NEVER renege in Spades. EVER.
Spades is one of the leading causes of death among Blacks aged 18-72 in America. Renege during a heated game and there WILL be gunplay.
3. Stay home if you know you’ll complain about everything.
“Food cold. Chicken dry. Beer warm. Ugh, it’s HOT. Who the DJ? He wack. These flies…UGH. No turkey burgers or wheat buns? Only regular sodas, no Diet? Yall only got catfish and whiting, no tilapia?!” Please just stay home.
4. Be responsible for whatever kids you bring.
Allowing lil Quantavious to run wild, Miguel leg drop other kids and put his filthy hands in the food is a crime against humanity. The cookout is not free daycare.
5. Vegetarian or vegan? Stay home.
Vegetarians and vegans are cookout terrorists who will bring their own plants, leaves, tree bark and healthy eats to be grilled and get mad when they’re told “HELL no.” Ain’t nobody putting kale-stuffed tofu burgers on the grill, beloved.
6. NEVER come to a cookout musty, unwashed or Chief Keefy.
You can’t really be mad if someone calls the cops on you for being disrespectfully Chief Keefy at the cookout. Make sure your hygiene situation is glorious before leaving the house.
7. Store-bought potato salad ONLY if you absolutely MUST bring potato salad.
If you’re thinking of whipping up potato salad for the cookout, don’t, because most decent human beings won’t eat any ole stranger’s potato salad creation. Just play it safe and buy some from a trusted Deli (Publix or Harris Teeter).
8. Be smart about who you bring (if you’re creepin).
Why would you bring your sidepiece to a cookout that you know your main boo’s friends may attend? Do your research. Creep on Instagram. Stalk Twitter timelines. See who’s attending on Facebook. Don’t get the cookout shot up.
9. Practice (and perfect) your Wobble or Cupid Shuffle technique in advance.
Thousands of step-by-step Wobble tutorials on Youtube and you’re at the cookout creating chaos in the Wobble line? Totally unacceptable.
Photo credit: http://www.rebekahhoyt.com
10. NEVER charge your guests food or entry fees.
As host, you’re responsible for the venue, comfortable atmosphere, seating and basic food essentials. It’s in the Bible. Charging guests to cover costs is one of the pettiest things you can ever do.