Dear Bossip: He's African & Won't Marry Me Until He Gets Approval From His Family

Dear Bossip,

I could really use some hard truth from a male perspective. I met the love of my life in college.

He’s African, and I’m African-American. We both graduated college, attended graduate school, and are now in another city establishing our careers and working toward a family together. However, after 7 years his parents and family still don’t approve of us. At every opportunity they are trying to stage an “intervention.” The latest comes after he spent a week in his home country. He returned home angry, frustrated, demanding, and very short with me.

Now, there’s this wedge between us. He says he won’t be ready to marry until we can get his parents blessings. I feel that we are in too deep to worry about that now. I could write a novel about the details, but I am an attractive, educated, fun, cultured young woman. Do I wait for him to see if there’s a future together or do I move on with my life? This family approval does not seem like a battle I can win, and we will both end up losing. Help! – Awaiting His Family’s Approval

Dear Ms. Awaiting His Family’s Approval,

Ma’am, you’ve already waited seven years for his family’s approval, and it hasn’t happened. So, what do you think you should do? Seriously! Seven years and you’re waiting for this man’s family to give him the ‘thumb’s up,’ the ‘okay,’ and the, ‘stamp of approval,’ to marry you. Chile, you will be waiting another seven years!

Come on, now. You’re smart, educated, attractive, and cultured. You know you have it going on. He knows you have it going on. Yet, he won’t marry you without his family’s approval. And, therein lies the problem. He wants his family’s approval of you. Read this statement again, slowly:  HE….WANTS….HIS….FAMILY’S…..APPROVAL….OF….YOU.

He is a grown a** man, yet, he is waiting for his family’s approval to get married. A grown a** man waiting to get married until his family tells him it’s okay to do so. Therefore, his family means more to him than you do!

He is not going to marry you. He is not going to risk losing his family, friends, and intimate relationships with them for you. Now, we don’t know what happened when he went home to visit, and what conversations were had. I’m sure he probably tried to defend himself, you, and your relationship. He probably tried to convince them that you were in love, and that they should get to know you, and give you a chance. But, after all was said and done, he couldn’t get through to them. He felt defeated and aggravated that his own family does not approve of the woman he is in love with. Despite what you may have gone through together, the bond you have, and the love between you. They just do not approve. And, it is part of his culture, heritage, and identity.

He is African. His family may have historical, generative, and cultural practices that you are not privy to know or are aware of, or may understand. I hope he has shared with you what marriage means in African culture, and to African identity, and heritage. I’m sure his parents probably do not want any intermarriage with an American black. They want him to have an African wife who knows the customs, culture, and identity. Someone who knows the history, family roots, and experiences. You don’t share these things with them. You are not of their culture, heritage, and identity. You are an outsider to them.

Now, what do you do? Do you try to learn their culture, heritage, and identity? Do you immerse yourself into his world, his family, and his identity? Are you willing to submit yourself, and practically lose your sense of own identity in order to incorporate and be accepted into his family?

Also, a part of it is your family, your people, your culture, and your identity. His family wants to know who are your people. Where do you come from? What is your identity? What is your history? And, unfortunately, other cultures, and ethnicities gain their perspective of black culture, identity, and history through television, and other mediums that portray blacks in a negative light. So, his family may have a preconceived idea of you, and who you are based on what they have seen on television, or heard.

Now, I understand you feel you are in too deep now to worry about that, but his family “interventions,” and their disapproval of you will, and always take precedent for him. The wedge they are putting between you is causing him distress and anxiety, and it explains why he came back from his visit with them angry, demanding, and short with you. He is tired, fed up, and just wants peace between the two worlds he is trapped between. You both want him, and there is only one of him.

Will you lose the battle with his family? Every time! Will you both lose out on what potentially may be a wonderful familial unit? Probably. Will he marry you? Not in this lifetime. Not unless he doesn’t care about losing ties with his family, and being disowned.

So, you have to decide if you will wait, or will you just resign yourself to being a girlfriend. But, eventually his family will demand that he leave you because they will want him to produce children. And, not produce children with an African-American woman. They will disown you, and the children. Sure, it doesn’t matter to you. But, it does matter to him. He wants his children to carry his name, identity, culture, and history. And, they can, but his family will cut him off, and want nothing to do with none of you. Your children will never know his parents, cousins, and other family members. He is thinking about all of this. And, I fear that though he may love you, and want to be with you, however, he is waiting for you to leave him. It will make it easier if you left him. He doesn’t want the guilt, or the pain in leaving you because of his family. It’s unfortunate, but you will never win his family over, and his family means everything to him. – Terrance Dean