Dear Bossip: I’m Not Gay But I’ve Fallen For A Stud Who Has Nothing Going For Herself

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’m a single woman in my thirties with no kids. I met someone online. She, yes, I said “she” is in her thirties, a stud, and has two kids.

I have a stable job, working towards my degree, and handling my business. She, on the other hand, has no job, receives government assistance, smokes weed in front of her children, and has several warrants out for her arrest. The sad thing is that if she was a “he” I wouldn’t give her the time of day. I listen to her sob stories and I feel sorry her. I feel like I have to help her.

In reality she messed up her own life. I just say to myself, “She’s human and people make mistakes.” We’re not really in a relationship just “friends with benefits.” She claims she’s in a long distance relationship, but fails to ask that chick for help. She comes to me. I don’t consider myself gay and this is the first time I really had feelings for someone like this. I just think I should leave this person alone. I feel I deserve better. Then, I start feeling sorry for her and her situation and feel like I can’t give up on her. Should I just say “F” it and leave her alone or keep trying? – In Love With A Stud

Dear Ms. In Love With A Stud,

I swear you confused “I’m not gay,” folks wear me so thin. The hell you talking about, “I’m not gay,” yet, you’re having an intimate relationship with another woman? Huh? Ma’am, please stop lying to me, yourself, and everyone else with that bull-ish! You are afraid to admit to yourself that you’re gay because of the backlash, judgments, and ridicule you feel you will get from your friends, family, and loved ones. You don’t want anyone to judge you, condemn you, or ostracize you, so you pull this, “I’m not gay” routine to justify to yourself that you’re not like “them.”

Ma’am, you are “them.” You are in your thirties. Grow the damn hell up, and stop worrying about what folks think about you. Stop worrying what they will say about you. Like you said, “you have a stable job, working towards your degree, and handling your business.” Then, why do you care what other folks think if you are doing all this for your damn self. Ugh! Slap your own damn foolish self in the mouth and quit with this childish routine. Be a woman and claim all the parts of who you are. I don’t have time for this today!

Now, you’re dating this stud who has nothing going on, no job, receives government assistance, smokes weed in front of her child, and has several warrants out for her arrest. The hell!!! Why are you with this woman? What can she bring to the table to help benefit you, or herself? If she is unwilling to do better, or unwilling to change her lifestyle, then why do you think you save her? Ugh! You both are two damn donkeys! Just dumb!

But, you sit up here and write that if she was a he that you wouldn’t put up with this nonsense. Well, regardless if she is a he, or he is a she, any person who doesn’t want to do better, be better, and get better should not be someone you are entertaining for a relationship, friendship, or any type of association. They will do nothing but bring you down, drag you in the barrel and you will become one of the other crabs in the barrel. What happened to your common sense? Is it linked to your coochie? Is she munching on your box so severely that you have lost your damn mind!?! Is that dildo she’s strapping on and pounding you with giving you delusions of grandeur?

Ask yourself these questions: What can she bring to the table to enhance you or her own life? How is she working toward improving herself or her situation? If she will smoke weed in front her children, then what makes you think she respects herself, her children, or anyone else? Why is this woman on government assistance in her thirties? Why does she have several warrants out for her arrest?

I swear once someone licks your box, or pounds you silly all of a sudden you want to give that person the benefit of the doubt. The world doesn’t understand them. They just had some bad experiences, and they just need someone to love them enough. You want to save them, help them, and hopefully get them to see that the world is not out to get them. SMDH! All you Captain Save-A-Hoes need some damn help your own selves. The hell you look like trying to save someone who doesn’t want to even save themselves.

You stay with this “stud,” and you will find yourself in debt, broken, jobless, homeless, warrants out for your arrest, strung out from the dildo, and still running around talking about, “I’m not gay.”

She is using you. She is pouring on these sob stories and making you feel sorry for her because she knows you are weak, gullible, dumb, and easy to manipulate. Ma’am, it’s time to grow up, be real and honest with yourself, and move on with your life without her. She is not going to do anything but bring you down with her. Once you accept your sexual identity as a gay woman I’m sure you will meet some beautiful, smart, educated, caring, and loving women who are more compatible with you. Don’t dumb down, or date down. It only demeans you and your self-worth. This was a lesson learned, and an experience you can grow from. Yeah, she ate and banged you good, but is it worth your sanity, well-being, and self-worth? Is it worth the drama and stress? And, like you said, if she was a he, then why are you giving her, or even allowing her this much space in your life? Grow up. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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