Dear Bossip: Me & My Husband Took Care Of My Sister's Children For 3 Years, But She's Taken Them Back & I'm Experiencing Baby Fever

Dear Bossip,

I am 27-years old, happily married, no children, and I finally got the job of my dreams.

About three years ago, my sister was going through health, relationship, and financial problems so I agreed to take care of her children (who at the time were 3 months old and a 1 year old) until she got back on her feet. My husband and I did not hesitate to help out her when she needed us.

Well, now that she finally got herself together, she was able to take her children and ended up moving 15 hours away from me. My problem is that I got attached to the children. It was difficult taking care of them at first, but I got the hang of things and everything became natural. I was an emotional wreck when she came to get them. It may seem weird, but I literally felt like my own children were being taking away.

She calls upset and tells me how the children are always crying how they want to go back home. She will tell them that they are home, but they reply how they want to go home to their Auntie. We recently had a falling out because both children ended up with ear infections. I was trying to tell her what to do, but whenever I offer a suggestion she always reminds me, “You are not their mother. I am.”

Since they’ve left I have had extreme baby fever. My husband wants us to wait a few more years, but I really want one now. But, he says I only feel this way because I miss the children so much. I don’t understand how everything was okay when the children lived with us, but we’re not ready to have one of our own.

How do I get over this baby fever? Should I? Am I crazy for how attached I got to the children? Lastly, how do I fix my relationship with my sister? I feel like I may have over stepped my boundaries. Thank you for your advice. – I Want My Own

Dear Ms. I Want My Own,

It does appear that you and the children developed a paternal relationship at the most formidable years of their lives. For the first three years they only knew you and your husband. They did not bond or know their mother, therefore, their attachment is with you, the one who showed and gave them unconditional love.

To uproot them as quickly as it happened I’m sure jolted them, and has caused some serious emotional and mental dissonance with their own mother, but, also it has caused an emotional rift between you and your sister, and your own mental and emotional well-being to have children. Whew! That was a mouthful.

When you and your husband learned your sister was coming back to take her children, then, that was the time you both should have had conversations with them to prepare them for the change in their living situation, environment, and going home to live with their own mother. Yes, they are young, but talking with them, and helping to prepare them would have been suitable to make this transition easy for you and them. To abruptly move them with no reason why, or explanation of what was going on is jarring. You and your husband could have explained that you will always be a part of their lives, and will visit as often as you can, and that they can always come back and visit you. Ensuring them that they still had your love, support, and presence in their life would have helped tremendously.

Therefore, it will explain why they cry and say they want to go “home,” and to live with “Auntie.” They have not had the opportunity to know their own mother, or to build a bond with her. And, this probably frustrates her, and makes her envious and jealous of the bond they have with you. I don’t know the full story, but it would have been helpful if during the time they lived with you that she visited and spent some quality time with her own children. You didn’t mention if she did, or not. But, I’m gathering her health, financial, and other situations did not give her the opportunity to be in their lives as much as she probably wanted to.

Therefore, you created a stable, loving, and nurturing home for the children. Your sister has uprooted their lives, removed them from this environment, and has taken them 15 hours away. It will take time, and they will grow accustomed to this, and to her.

The tension between you and your sister is a result of her trying to bond with her own children, who are probably resisting her, or not connecting in such a manner as quickly as she would like. Also, she is adapting to being a mother, again. So, the phone calls for advice is really her way of saying, “Okay, I don’t really know my children, and they do certain things, or act a certain way. They’ve been with you and you know why they are doing this, so could you tell me what’s going on.” However, she would never say this, but that is what is underlying to her reaching out. And, in the frustration she snaps at you, and says, “You are not their mother.” It’s a jab at you to remind you of your place, and position.

Don’t take it personal or any type of way. Just know that she is frustrated, angry, and upset that she is not connecting or bonding with her children in the way that you did. And, they are crying for you, and saying they want to go home. Reach out to your sister, and let her know that you are there for her. She can count on you, and you only want to be a support system for her, and not her replacement. You simply want what’s best for the children, and are willing to help as much as you can. Give her time and space. I would recommend calling once or twice a week to check in on her and the children. Let her lead the conversation around the children, and if she asks for advice just throw it back to her and ask her what does she think she should do, or can do.

Lastly, the baby fever you have is a result of bonding with your sister’s children for three years. You took care of them, fed them, loved them, changed their diapers, took them with you wherever you went, healed them when they were sick, nurtured them, and gave them a loving environment. Yes, it’s natural to want a child of your own. And, the reason your husband agreed to let them live with you, but wants to wait for one of your own is because he knew that they were living with you temporarily. It was not permanent. The children would eventually go back to their mother, and, therefore, the commitment to raising a child for a lifetime had a time limit.

So, again, talk with your husband, let him know how you feel, what you’re experiencing, and how you truly feel about having a child. You are experiencing baby fever after caring for two children for three years, especially your sister’s children, therefore, it’s natural how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. It will pass and get easier as time goes by. But, you will continue to have the feeling of wanting to have your own child.

I would recommend talking with your sister, after a few months have passed and she’s had time to develop a bond with her own children, about allowing the children to come visit once a month for a weekend. And, talk with your husband about the idea. This way, you continue to be a part of their lives, and it helps you with the empty nester syndrome you are feeling. Because I’m sure you come across pictures, toys, or clothes of the children that are still in your home. And, having the children in the home will bring back the memories, and good times you had with them as you spend quality time together. Also, it may very well spark your husband to get excited about having your own child in the home, as he will remember his connection and joy of having the children around. – Terrance Dean

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