I am 28 years old and have been in a relationship with my 39 year old boyfriend for a year and a half.
We have been living together for 6 months. When we first got together, neither of us was looking for something serious and we were Friends With Benefits (FWB) for about 6 months. Then, I guess we both caught feelings and decided to take it to the next level. Things have been awesome and we are very much in love.
When we first met he said he didn’t want to get married ever again after experiencing a terrible marriage to his ex-wife. Well, needless to say, things and feelings changed and now we talk marriage regularly and know that we want to marry each other.
Here’s the problem. When we were FWB, we had sex regularly, probably 3-4 times a week. When we became a couple, and, even more so when we started living together, the sex decreased exponentially. Now, we may have sex 1-2 every TWO weeks. Now, the love and the intimacy are still there and I have no fears of him cheating, but I noticed the change. When I asked him about it, he stated that the other aspects of our relationship are more important and are satisfying and sex is kind of like, “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.”
He said I should be worried if sex is all he wanted from me. Okay……anyway, I think this may have to do with him feeling like we are living in sin. A lot of times when he brings up marriage, he brings up the fact that a big part of him wanting to get married is because he doesn’t want to live in sin. He is a church man and a man of God and this is obviously very important to him.
Now, just today, we are talking about marriage and we are joking around and he says, “Why buy the cow when I’m getting the milk for free?” And, I said, “Well, you’re not getting it for free anymore then.” And, he says, “Okay, I’m going to hold you to that!” Then, in all seriousness, he says he thinks we shouldn’t have sex until we are married. I said, “Fine,” thinking it was a joke, but he was dead serious.
He made it clear that is what he wants – no sex until marriage. Terrance, this would be fine and all, but we aren’t even engaged! I mean, if we were engaged and let’s say my wedding date was 6 months from now, I’d know my time frame. I basically agreed to no sex for however long. Is this normal for him to want this? Is it because of the living in sin thing? I can go without, don’t get me wrong, just a little confused. Any insight would be helpful!! – Now He Wants Celibacy
Dear Ms. Now He Wants Celibacy,
Bwahahahahahaha! You and he are a joke. A freaking joke.
He pulled that bull-ish a** line that he doesn’t want to be living in sin, and he is a man of God, yet, when you were Friends With Benefits he had no problem smashing you to smithereens 3-4 times a week. Give me a freaking break! These ole’ holier than thou fake Christians.
So, let me get this straight, he didn’t have a problem having casual sex with you before you started living together. Was that not sinful? And, after you two decided to become serious and date, he moved in with you and now you’re living together and having sex, yet, is that not sinful as well? So, why all of a sudden he has this moral high Christian complex that he doesn’t want to live in sin with you, but, it’s okay to live with you as an unmarried couple and have sex? I’ll wait. (Sips tea and glances at the “Today Show”)
If he was a man of God, and he was about that Christian life, then he wouldn’t have been having casual sex with you as Friends With Benefits. He wouldn’t be living with you as an unmarried couple and having sex if he was really about that life. If he was so serious about you, and about being married and doing the right thing, then, he would have been a proper Godly Christian man and courted you without sex. He would invite you to his church, and spend spiritual quality time with you and getting to know you without the sex complicating things, which it seems to have done.
But, he is not about that life. All of a sudden he wants to be celibate before you get married, yet, like you said you’re not even engaged. So, how long is this supposed to go on and last of you two living together? How long are you supposed to wait before he proposes marriage? Yeah, I know this type of dude. It was all good while he was smashing you as FWB, and there were no expectations, and he was okay with living in sin because he didn’t see you as wifey material. You were just some chick he was freaking on the regular, and he wasn’t planning on making you official, or making you his woman. Then, feelings got involved, you two decided to move beyond FWB and become a couple, and he moved in. So, instead of doing the right thing, he moved head first, both heads, into your house. Now, he’s probably having second thoughts, and threw that line out there that you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married.
Trust, the next line you will hear from him is, “God told me that this is not right, and you’re not the woman for me. I need to focus on me and get my spiritual life in order.”
And, I want you to know that you played yourself, especially when he said, “Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free.” And, your response was, “Well, you’re not getting it for free anymore then.” Yup, he was getting the milk for free, therefore, he was delaying the engagement. Why would he move forward with you, a jump-off turned girlfriend, and he is getting everything he wants from you without marriage. You agreed to this situation, and let it go on instead of demanding and wanting more upfront. It’s obvious now that you two were on two different pages, and while he was communicating one thing, you were hearing another.
When you met him, and he told you he was a Godly Christian man, then you should have stopped him right there and told him that if he is such a Godly Christian man, then you will not be subjected to being just a FWB, and isn’t that sinful and out of character for him. But, you didn’t. You laid with him and let it go on for 6 months. You were hoping things would change, and you could make him your man. Then, you let him move in with you, without any expectations other than he was your man. And, after you got him now the rules of the game are changed because he doesn’t feel morally right in his Christian ethics about living in sin. A freaking joke!! LMBAO
Ma’am, you either ask him how long are you supposed to wait until he proposes, and then marriage comes, or you can ask him to move out and have a peace of mind and your sanity of not allowing him to manipulate his so-called Christian providence about not wanting to live in sin. Take your power back and stop subjecting yourself to frantic and erratic behavior by a man who uses God and his church as a means to manipulate and play with women and their emotions and feelings.
You can wait on him, and you can play this game of celibacy, but in the end what will it resolve? What resolution will this create between you and he? Why not question him about this living in sin, and how does this really make him feel about you and he moving forward? And, since he called you out about having the cow, then either demand you get a ring within 3 to 6 months, or he moves out. Because, otherwise, this relationship is not going to move forward, and you can’t play this game of his Christian morality. – Terrance Dean
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