Dear Bossip: I Spend Time With His Son & Have Never Met The Mother & I Want To

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. He has a wonderful son whom I get along with extremely well. He is 7 years old.

He gets his son every other weekend and we have a great time all together. The concern that I have is that I have expressed to him is that I have never met the mother of his son. He would always tell me he is trying to avoid drama and that she is petty and will make excuses as to why he can’t have his son, etc.

At first I understood because I have seen situations like this all the time. So, I left it alone for a while. But, then it started getting under my skin, only because for one, his son does stay with us on the weekends, and sometimes he (the son) and I go out from time to time if his father is working. I expressed to him what if we are out and about one day and I bump into her (never seen her before) while I’m with his son? It would be an awkward moment and that is not a good situation to get into.

Fast forward I have expressed this to his mother because at the end of the day, if I have a child and me and the father aren’t together anymore, then, whomever I am dating my child’s father should have a proper introduction so he can see who is in our kid’s life and who is spending time with them, etc.

His mom agreed with what I was saying and said for me to keep telling him as the time goes by.  A couple weeks ago he asked if I wanted to attend his son’s soccer game; this was the first time he offered me to come to his son’s game (the mother was there), but I had a family emergency all of a sudden as we were leaving.

This is my first time dating someone serious that has a child and I have no kids. But, I know that if people date someone with kids that they eventually meet the parent’s of their boyfriend/girlfriend at some point in time.

My question: Is this type of situation normal? Do people who date kids have to wait a long time before they introduce their significant other to their kid’s parent? Maybe he still has feelings for her and is using the excuse of saying she is petty and a drama queen for us not meeting each other? His mother and him always tell me that she knows about me because his son always talks about me. However, a situation occurred when his son expressed to me that his mother knows nothing of me. When I told my boyfriend this he said that’s what you get for listening to a 7 year old. Every time I think about this I have a headache but I really need your opinion on this. – Never Met His Baby Momma

Dear Ms. Never Met His Baby Momma,

Why are you so interested in meeting his baby momma? For what? What will you gain in meeting her? You want to be friends with her? You want to go out to dinner, hang out, and become friends on social media? What motivation is there for you to meet her?

You have been dating a man with a child for a year. And, by the tone of the letter you live together because you stated that his son comes and stays with the both of you on the weekends. Now, let me get this straight. You live together, and you’re playing house with a man, AND, you are being the babysitter when he goes to work and are left alone with his son. Yet, there was no mention in your letter about any types of discussing on marriage, and let alone a marriage proposal. As a matter of fact, you go on to mention that if you have a child and you and the father are no longer together, then you would want them to meet the new person that you’re dating and who is also in your child’s life. (This means you don’t see yourself in a long-term relationship with him or anyone else. As a matter of fact, you’ve already put the relationship in past tense.) Yet, I digress.

Sweetie, you’re focused on the wrong thing. You’re laying up with a man you’re not married to, or even discussing marriage with. You’re concerned about meeting his baby momma. Hell, I can see if you and he were engaged or even discussing marriage. Then, I would understand needing to meet his son’s mother. But, there is no mention of marriage, or a proposal. You’re putting the cart before the horse.

Girl, you’re already actively involved with his son, even to the point where you are spending time alone with him and taking him out on outings. Now, let’s be rational and think about this for a moment. If he doesn’t want to introduce you to his baby momma because he claims he is trying to avoid drama because she is petty and she will make excuses to keep him from seeing his son, etc. Then, in your rational thinking intelligent mind, don’t you think she would be highly upset, and even angry to know that he is leaving their son alone with you (someone she hasn’t met or know anything about) while he is at work, and that you are taking her son on outings without the father being present? (I’ll just let that marinate for a minute)

I don’t know why you want to play mommy for your boyfriend’s son, and take on this position, especially babysitting while he is not around. Are you trying to prove you can be a good mother and that you are good with children so that he will propose marriage? Are you trying to impress him and show him that you are marriage and wifey material? Why are you being so accommodating? His son is not your child. You should not be left alone or caring for his son while he is at work. Let him find a babysitter, or leave his son with his mother. But, you should not be alone with his child and he is not around. And, trust, the child’s mother doesn’t know this, or anything about you being around her child alone.

Also, when he made the attempt to introduce you to his child’s mother at the soccer game, and you had a “sudden” family emergency, then, you need to inquire when is the next game or event where he can introduce you to his child’s mother. But, again, I don’t see why are you invested in meeting her. He shouldn’t have his child around you. And, I mean, I am sure he introduced you to his child very early on in your relationship. Your letter indicates to me that he had you around his child probably in the third month, if not sooner. Whenever he introduced you, you should have set some boundaries and should have waited before you met his child.

You folks be jumping into relationships with people who have kids and don’t know your position or role. But, you want to play mommy, or act like the accommodating girlfriend in order to establish your position with your boyfriend/girlfriend, but what happens when the relationship ends?  What happens when you’re no longer around? Meeting children and being around someone else’s child in a relationship confuses many children, and, especially when the parent introduces people who are in and out of the child’s life.

You should have told your boyfriend that you were not ready to meet his child so early on. And, you definitely do not feel comfortable being alone with his child. Set boundaries. You are not a caretaker, babysitter, or the child’s second parent. He put you in a position and you were too anxious to take it on. WRONG MOVE! He needs to hire a babysitter or find other arrangements if he has to work. You can’t be playing babysitter. What happens if something goes horribly wrong when you’re with the child? What happens if there is an accident, or you need to take the child to the hospital? Trust and believe all hell will break loose when the mother shows up. And, you need to know your position and where you stand and where the relationship is heading. If he isn’t discussing marriage, or long term plans and goals with you, then why live together? Why play house and allow yourself to be the live-in help? You all got this relationship thing backwards. And, now you’re talking about you want to meet his baby momma. Girl, trust and believe, if she gets whiff of you being alone with her child, and you’re taking him on outings and acting like step-mommy, and, he claims she is petty and he wants to avoid her drama, then just know it will not go well when you do meet her. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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