Dear Bossip: He Blamed Me For An STD, But I’m Clean & Now He’s Ignoring Me

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman medical results

Dear Bossip,

I’m writing you because I have an issue. I’m tired of hearing all my friend’s bias opinions and I need the truth whether I get dragged or not. So, here goes nothing…

I met this man in October of 2014. He is now 25 and I’m 22 years old I was immediately attracted to this man. He is tall, light-skin, green eyes, sexy as can be and his body is amazing (he has a 6 pack), but besides the looks he had an amazing personality. He could make me laugh without doing anything. He also has a great job and is a hard worker and lives alone. I have never seen a man his age work the way he works and has all these achievements and accomplishments. Everything he does reminds me of my father and that’s what I liked about him the most. We just immediately clicked. I never tried to pursue anything with him because I just thought he was way to fine for me. I’m not saying I’m ugly, because I think I’m beautiful, but this man was sexy and I just couldn’t imagine him not having several women around.

Even though we weren’t “talking” like that this man proceeded to call me every day, 5 or 6 times a day. I knew I would get an hour long call in the morning when he was driving to work, an hour long call when he got off, and a couple of hour-long calls before he would go to sleep. It was like clockwork and I loved it. If I didn’t answer a phone call I would get 15 missed calls and a couple of voicemails. LOL! My friend’s thought that was crazy, but I liked that.

In June we just started hanging out more and more and were still talking the same amount. However, our friendship definitely turned into something more. We ended up sleeping together in August. I ended up spending the night and on my way home, I kid you not, this man called me until I reached home and several times throughout the day to make sure I knew that this wasn’t a “hit it and quit situation.”

After that everything was going good. We would continue to hang out, and if I would come over there was no way he was letting me leave without spending the night and cuddling. Well, two months ago I got a call from him saying we needed to talk. I immediately freaked out, and he hit me with some crazy news. He told me he found out he had herpes and that I gave it to him. I freaked the hell out and thought it was impossible. Throughout the time I got tested and waited on the results he was still cool with me, even saying that we’re in this together. Nothing changed until I got my results and found out I was 100 % CLEAN!

I called him and he immediately got mad at me saying that that’s untrue and that it’s impossible. He got so mad it sounded like he was about to cry. He started yelling that he’s only been with me exclusively. I believed him, but after that day he shut me out and went MIA for about a week. I felt like he was making me out to be the bad person when I did nothing wrong. He stopped calling and we went from speaking every single day for the last year in a half to going days and days without speaking to each other. I would call him and he would not answer me. I even asked him if he was seeing someone else and he assured me that there was no one else, and that when he goes through stuff he just shuts people out. I wrote him this long ass text telling him I get the hint and that I will be leaving him alone. He called immediately saying that’s not what he wants. Then, the next day he goes back to ignoring me or no contact at all. I don’t get it.

I understand he’s going through something, but it’s starting to hurt and bug me. Like, here I am sticking by this man, when no sane person would, and I’m getting the short end of the stick. I know his ego may be busted, but damn! He’s also gotten really mean, manipulative, and just refuses to see me. A month went by until I finally saw him after the results and now it’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. If I ask to see him he would just brush me off saying he’s busy. He also started to accuse me of messing around. It’s seriously starting to play with my insecurities and have me wondering and assuming what he’s doing and with whom. Like, I know he’s going through something and I told him I’ll be here for him, but should I just let him be because obviously he doesn’t want to be with me? – Ms. Fed Up

Dear Ms. Fed Up,

Leave him alone. Obviously he doesn’t want to be bothered. He went from calling you umpteen times a day to now he’s barely speaking to you. He went from hot to cold. So, why are you chasing after him? He was spending so much time pursuing you, and going out of his way to get to you, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with you because your results came back clean, and he’s the one burning. Does that sound logical to you? Don’t you think that if he called you about his herpes, and you didn’t give it to him, then perhaps he got it from someone else? Now, pay close attention because some things are not adding up.

Let’s just consider this as a possibility. You went on this tangent and rant about how fine this man is. He’s light-skin with green eyes, and has this great body with six-pack abs. He’s so fine that you didn’t think he would be with a girl like you. As a matter of fact, you thought a man like him, who has his –ish together, working, lives alone, and he was so fine and this good looking then he would have several women. But, he was investing all his energy and time into you. Now, he spent a lot of time pursuing you, calling you, texting you, and working on your emotions to get you where he wanted you. Meaning, he spent a lot of time courting you to make you feel special, feel desired, and making you think he was a one woman man. Then, after some considerable amount of time you two start sleeping together. But, one day, out of the blue, he calls you up to tell you that he had herpes and that you gave it to him. You go get tested, and, lo and behold you are clean. Has it ever dawned on you that perhaps he already had herpes? Ding, ding, ding! I’m willing to bet that since you and he were having unprotected sex, and he probably thought he transmitted the herpes to you, then, he had this plan that if you discovered you had it, then, you would confront him about it because it would be obvious that you got it from him. So, in order to get the jump on you he tells you that he had herpes and that you gave it to him. Because if you had it there is no way to know how long you could have had it, and you could have been the one to transmit it to him. Therefore, he was going to put the blame on you. But, when that plan backfired, because you came back clean, now he has some explaining to do. Thus, he goes ghost.

See, just because he is fine and has all these great things going for him, most women, and some men, think that when they meet someone who is fine, beautiful, attractive, and have this great body, then they can’t have any diseases because of the outer appearance. You were so caught up in his aesthetic, and what he was bringing to the table that it never occurred to you to say, “Wait. We’ve been doing a lot of getting to know one another. But, I don’t know your sexual habits. And, you don’t know mine. I don’t know who you’ve been with you, and how many partners you’ve had. Let’s talk about that. And, yes, you are beautiful, gorgeous, and have your –ish together, but I think if we are going to go to the next level of this relationship and start having sex, then, let’s go get tested together.” But, you folks just jump in the bed with someone because they make you feel good, they make you laugh, they tell you what you want to hear, and just by looking at them and they have these great amazing bodies, then they can’t possibly have any diseases. Welp, lesson learned. He has herpes. You don’t. Where do you think he got it from? Instead of being so caught up in his looks, and all these other things, you should never assume that someone does not have a disease. You don’t know. And, you can’t just look at someone and tell their status, or their  sexual history or if they have a sexually transmitted disease. Always, always, always treat your partner as if they do have something and protect yourself.

And, let’s consider the possibility that maybe he didn’t already have herpes when you met him. However, it’s obvious he’s been doing his dirt because he got it from someone. Therefore, he was seeing someone else. Therefore, he wasn’t honest with you. And, he’s disappeared because he’s been exposed as a liar, a cheat, dishonest, and manipulative. Why are you chasing after him? Is it because he invested so much energy and time in pursuing you and making you feel special that you feel obligated to him and standing by his side? Have you ever thought why he pursued you so relentlessly, especially with the 15 missed calls when you didn’t answer his calls? His insistent texting and talking with you an hour on his way to work, and on his way home, and several hours throughout the evening, you didn’t find it odd? That is a bit excessive, don’t you think, especially for someone who has a full-time job, and I am sure you had your own life.

Look, two things are possible from this scenario: 1.) He already had herpes and didn’t tell you about it. And, if he transmitted it to you his goal was to turn it back on you and make it seem like you gave it to him. 2.) He is/was sleeping with someone else, and he lied to you about everything.

What I don’t understand is why would he go ghost after learning you didn’t have it. Oh, yeah, it’s because he’s guilty of something. He’s not being honest with you. Therefore, stop wasting your energy and time on him. He’s not who or what you think he is. He is not on the up and up. He is hiding something. And, notice that he got mad at you because you don’t have it. When he felt it was possible that you had it, or that you both had it, then, things were all good. He wanted to be the doting and loving partner who wanted to stick by your side, and that you and he would get through this together. But, since you don’t have it, and he does, he’s not talking about support and encouragement. He is running. And, he may be upset, angry, and frustrated with himself. Who knows what’s going on in his mind. But, don’t you spend your time and energy trying to figure it out, especially if he keeps pushing you away. Stop texting and calling him. Stop trying to see and meet up with him. Hopefully he’ll come around and will tell you the truth of what is going on and what really happened. But, until then, be glad that you dodged this bullet. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! 

Mogul Hiding In Hip Hop Visible Lives Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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